I have been coaching women entrepreneurs for awhile and am dismayed by our gender’s general lack of networking when we are so good at creating social circles and deep friendships. Too many business women work hard to get ahead and fail to create the professional networking so vital to advancement.
Women are known as the sex that is better at relationships, communicate more and more effectively, and have stronger compassion genes. Yet, study after study show that women regularly fail at networking when it comes to their careers.
A recent article by one of my favorite Forbes contributors, Geri Stengel points to many of the pitfalls my clients have fallen into when they come see me about jumpstarting their stalled career or helping their start-up take flight. Geri offers 6 tips for improving networking skills including “get over your inhibitions.”
However, I find most women are not shy, so this does not necessarily point to the real issue but is more of a symptom. What I have learned coaching women is they are hard wired to supporting other people’s requests (their boss, co-worker, or family) but find it extremely difficult to ask others to help them, to ask for what they need. Period. No amount of “getting over your inhibitions,” cracking the confidence code, or leaning in will unwire this because it is not about assertiveness. Women can be plenty assertive at pitching their deal, rally for a cause, or going to bat for an employee. Where they fail to speak up is asking for themselves.
To ask for something for yourself requires a few key things. It is about knowing what you want, seeing how others could help you, and reversing genetic conditioning that stops you from recruiting others’ help. Let’s look at the first one, knowing what you want– since without that step the others are meaningless.
Many years ago I had a counselor send me home with the assignment of writing down everything I would ask for if I had the guts, and not ask. She just wanted me to start to know what it was I would ask for if I felt I could. Whoa! Once I got going I realized there were a lot of things I was not asking for. It was a great exercise and because she did not send me off to start asking for what I wanted, I was able to see more clearly all the areas that I was holding back. If she had recommended I go start asking for what I want, I am sure I would not have been able to think of anything to ask for.
You, too can start this with just a pad a paper. You don’t have to ask your boss for a raise or an investor for money. At least not yet. Start with a clean sheet and just think. If I could not loose–what is it I would ask for. Start to really make long lists. List all the people you would ask. It will help grow your muscle of seeing yourself as capable of asking. You might surprise yourself and start asking sooner than you think.
