Around the world, many people will soon celebrate their nation’s independence or revolution from oppression—July 4th in the United States, July 14th in France, July 28th in Peru, August 15th in India, August 17th in Indonesia, August 24th in Ukraine, and September 16th in Mexico. Modern life glorifies independence and for good reason—so many people have endured great hardship to win their freedoms.
As I look at my life, I realize I, too, went from dependence as a child to independence as an adult. At some point, I moved on to even from independence to a journey of inter-dependence.
In my early 20’s it almost felt like a fight for my independence—sometimes fighting as much with myself as anyone else—as I struggled between earning enough money to pay rent and spending it on having fun, wrestled with the thrill of making my own decisions against my fear of failure, and often wondered when I would really feel the freedom I sought. It was a challenging and exhilarating time.
Later, after I married and had children my “hard won” sense of freedom was challenged in so many ways. Like many women, I struggled to balance my desires with my family’s needs, my desire for a meaningful career with my desire to be with my children, and my personal preferences with those of my partners. It stretched me in ways I didn’t think I could handle and often my relationships won, leaving me feeling a bit deflated.
Sometime during this period I began to find a new way of living that did not pit my needs against the relationships I valued. It began subtly, and I am still mastering what I call the dance of inter–dependence. It is a magical dance that began by becoming curious about what I enjoy—the things that really give me joy and help me feel good about myself.
Once I became a student of me, I then began weaving my world to include more and more of the people, places and events that fed me. I don’t always succeed at it, but when I focus on filling my needs and focus less on making sure everyone else is happy I get closer. Doing so also seems to give everyone else around me the freedom to connect with their own needs instead of making them unhappy with me, as I feared.
This process of becoming interdependent also means I am learning not to make people and things wrong that don’t fit my desires. They can be who and what they are. I also no longer need to feel obligated to invest my time and energy there.
So my question to you is: are you dependent, independent or interdependent—and how do you want to be?
