Author Archives: Amy Beilharz

Your New Life Awaits — Part 2

After talking to countless women and noticing my own journey I have categorized our paths into three general themes—career woman/power path, mother/nurturing path, and beauty queen/sensuality path. Let me describe them briefly and in gross generalization to paint a picture.

The career woman on a path of power has developed her masculine side and knows how to compete in the world. She has chosen her field, become good at it, and directs her energy to her accomplishments—past, present, and future. She often prefers the company of men, has little in common with women who fondle over the newest baby, and if she spends time exercising it is to stay on top of her game or to socialize with others in her field at the gym.

The mothering woman on a nurturing path has chosen to take care of others whether in her own home or in her career. Often a mother, she may not be. She can also be a caretaker of her elderly or disabled family member, a nanny or housekeeper for other people’s families, or a nurse or psychologist. In some way her primary activity is in helping others. She is often uncomfortable around powerful people because she has spent so little energy feeling good about her looks or her own personal status in the world and this becomes obvious in their company.

The beauty queen woman on a path of sensuality learned early on that her looks gave her power and so she has invested much of her time keeping her body in shape and her clothes put together. Whether she is buying expensive clothing or shopping at thrift stores she knows the image she is looking for. She rarely goes out without feeling put together. Not always, but usually she has a stronger connection to her body and sensual life than the other two. She may be a mother or a career woman, but her priority to herself and her looks did not take second fiddle to her family or her career.

Each of these paths has both their gifts and their demons. If we are fluid in each then we can tap into their gifts as needed. If we are stuck in a role, then the gifts of the other two are often out of reach. Perhaps the demons of the role we are stuck in are more apparent than the gifts to which we once aspired.

Some of us have been on more than one of these paths at different times of our lives. Many of us have shunned at least one of these paths as foreign territory. Some of us are proud of our accomplishments in our path and others of us feel shame. Yet, ultimately when we put the ego aside the real test of if our path is whole is — how alive do we feel at the end of the day. Are we drained or are we fulfilled? How complete do we feel? Is our life full and rich and juicy? Can we tap into more than one aspect of being feminine? Or do we feel envious or judgmental at women strong on another path?

(If you want to learn more about how balanced you are in these areas and receive a free meditation to help you increase the richness of your life take my Feminine Balance Quiz.)

If you find you are more often exhausted than exhilarated I suggest you have become stuck in a role your path dictated rather than being yourself on this path. Roles and masks can keep us from really living. The good news is they can be unraveled easier than you may think. Our goal is to be fully alive, celebrating our strengths and growing in the areas we have left untouched lately—being able to be fully feminine in each aspect of the feminine.

Most of us do not attempt to let those other parts of us out because we are afraid of the affect it might have on our cherished existing life. We may have buried memories of past times we became more sensual, powerful, or vulnerably nurturing and something bad happened. Often when we cannot stand our role and hiding behind our mask any longer we shatter our existing life causing all sorts of wreckage in ours and other’s lives in order to break free.

I suggest neither staying stuck or major revolution is necessary. If you do the inner work to reengage with the whole of you the changes will happen organically rather than violently. And you will create a life that enlivens you and honors where you have been—all at the same time.

We will talk more about that inner work next time.

Do you dress for success?

What does that mean to you? A recent article about this in the Houston Chronicle tickled my thoughts about how executive women dress. In the 80’s it meant women (me) wore blue pin strip suits (skirts not pantsuits), padded shoulders in their jackets (I once was told my jacket had more padding than an NFL player), cute little bow ties replicating the material of men’s ties, and starched button down shirts. A perfect replica of executive men, albeit put together with expensive high heels.

We moved through a number of iterations of “power dressing” to pant suits. Today, women are beginning to show some feminine flair and still be taken seriously. Hallelujah! Across the globe western women are also waking up to the emotional cost of hiding parts of ourselves to be successful. We are starting to reconnect to this rather large piece of who we are (uh, yes you were, are and always will be a woman whether you are also a MD, lawyer, executive, etc.) .

So the question is, do you remain hidden behind the suit of armor of your profession or do you start to let the real you show in your professional clothing? And more importantly, do we collectively wait until the world accepts our feminine nature and sees us as powerful leaders, movers, and doers before we bring our flair to our clothes? Or, maybe as we individually start to wear clothes that make us feel more alive and represent more clearly who we are we will walk into the room with the clear energy of a leader, mover, and doer–simply because we are connected with the source of our power, not hiding it! And just maybe as more and more of us do this, the world will begin to recognize feminine leadership, not women masquerading as men!

Clothing is our second skin says Liana Chaouli and because of that we have to feel comfortable in our skin in order to walk into a room with all the strength and grace we desire. Most of us change our wardrobes unconsciously as we buy new items here and there, get presents of this and that; then one day we wake up wondering why nothing in our closet makes us feel good. Others of us have a wardrobe full of things we think we are “suppose” to wear based on the type of work we do. None of this will give you the reinforcement of your internal power, but rather it steals it from you because you feel like a farce that someone will find out.

So take a peek tonight at your closet. Pull out the clothes you love to wear and learn what makes you feel good. Now find adaptations that you will feel comfortable with in a work setting. One day at a time, one outfit at a time start showing up more and more as YOU!

Your New Life Awaits — Part 1

I read a statistic today that 93% of women are depressed or despondent towards there future! I don’t know how they calculated this or if it is a gross exaggeration of the actual study; but ladies, even if we cut the number in half something is terribly wrong here!

Depression and despondency come from a lack of passion and joy in our days and weeks and months as they pass by. They come from feeling trapped in a place, a job or a relationship that does not feed our soul. They come from a life not lived–but merely endured or survived.

Most of us have moments of both joy and depression. The question is in where are we most of the time? Do our moments of joy kindly spice an otherwise dull existence just enough to keep us there? Or do our moments of depression and despondency come when we occasionally forget to take care of ourselves and exhaustion sets in? The first is a prescription for trouble. The second is a wakeup call to recalibrate our priorities.

Many of us in the first scenario of joyful moments feeding us just enough to keep us stuck happen because we have created our own prison. Before you put up your defenses and your story–stay with me. Reflect on your own passage to your current life. Most of us at some point or another choose to follow a certain “path” of how we project our womanhood to the world. Whether it is because we were rejecting who our mothers were or because we followed their tradition does not matter. How we got here–whether we saw power in this path or because we ran from the reaction people had to us when we attempted another path, or something in our history–no longer matters.

What matters is what path we choose today. Does it empower us to feel alive, or have we carved away huge parts of our feminine soul in order to “be” the role we have assumed. Next time we will look at some generalized paths women are taking, how they affect us, and how we can break free from our own imposed prison if we find ourselves less than fully enthusiastic when we awake each day.

Making Joy a Headline

When things happen, like a commercial plane being shot down over the Ukraine killing hundreds of innocent people, it is easy to tell ourselves the world is a mess. It is somehow comforting to talk to others about how horrible the world is. Our media reminds us daily about how frightened we should be–even when things as shocking as what happened this week over the Ukraine, on the ground in Israel/Palestine, and elsewhere are not in the headlines.

We feel compassion, perhaps disheartened, or fearful when we learn of such things because when one of us suffers, at some level we all suffer. We all feel helpless at easing the obvious suffering of those experiencing these events first hand.

Yet, these headlines are the exceptions despite the fact they are the rule in the media. Ruthlessness, calculated harm and revenge are not the norm. The natural state of human beings is joy and kindness. We learn hatred and revenge. Look into the eyes of a young child or baby. You will never find revenge, hatred, or scorn. You might see fright, or sadness, or brief anger. But even these pass quickly and the inner experience returns to joy, kindness, and curiosity.

Over time we learn to cover up those pieces of ourselves — to protect us from being hurt, or shamed, or in any way vulnerable to an uncertain and often unfair world. Yet, at your core you are full of joy, kindness and curiosity. And the odd thing is — so are the people who do these heinous acts that hurt so many others, whether in war ridden patches around the world–or in our own homes.

We cannot protect ourselves from everything “bad.” Yet, we can create our life from the inner part of ourselves that radiates joy, kindness and curiosity — even if only dimly at the moment. We can feed our minds and our hearts the things that encourage and grow our joy, kindness, and curiosity. What we read and watch and listen to really is food for our emotions. We can insist that the people, places , events and circumstances we choose for our lives encourage and grow our joy, kindness, and curiosity. And when they do not — we can remember although we cannot control everything in our world to be perfect, we can move away from situations that repeatedly do not bring out our joy, kindness and curiosity.

Sometimes moving away is not a physical move, but an internal shift. Many Holocaust quotes speak of brave hearts recognizing that the Nazi’s could not determine how they felt and thought. Their inner world was still in their control. This amazing inner control is what saved some from succumbing to the insanity of that moment.

As we grow joy, kindness and curiosity in ourselves, we begin to turn on the light in our world. And when a light goes on — the darkness is no more. Every moment of joy in each of us is another candle of light, adding light to our world.

Let’s use these sad and painful events as a wake up call. Let’s re-member our inner light. Tonight before you go to bed, or tomorrow when you wake, I invite you to turn off the news, change your focus from the dark or fearful images in your mind or world, and create more light. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. What can I do today (tomorrow) to grow joy, kindness, or curiosity in myself?

2. What can I NOT do that diminishes my joy, kindness or curiosity?

3. What five small acts can I do that add joy, kindness or curiosity to my world and those in it?

And then, set out to do them. Join me on a 40 day journey, to see what changes we can inspire in ourselves and our world. Let me know what you learn.

Do you have an internal saboteur?

It is half way through 2014. Are you creating the life of your dreams or are you revisiting the same daily actions and trivia you have been managing for years? Staying alert to the subtle ways we sabotage our own success is critical to achieving our dreams. But what do you do once you recognize you are off course?

At our last women’s retreat, we created a list of powerful actions to stop our internal saboteur before it gains power over our ability to manifest. Having this resource can be your ticket to freedom and finally manifesting your goals, so I decided to share it with everyone.

If you begin to feel defeated, deflated, or depleted….STOP, and remember to reach for one of these tools:

Scan you body. Where are you holding the block physically? Breathe into that area.
Take a chance! Be bold when you feel timid, undecided, or confused. Most failure comes from lack of decision, not the wrong decision.
Set 3 objectives each night before bed for the next day that relate to your important goals. (Not the stuff that will consume your day, but the stuff you wish you had time for and never do.) These are small steps towards these important goals–steps you can complete tomorrow. Leave them by your bed and read them again when you awake. These are your priorities for the next day. Your unconscious has had time to creatively work on them overnight. Do them before other tasks.
Be Here Now. Remember to focus on the current moment; let go of ruminating over the past or worrying about the future.
Speak you truth. Be yourself. Share your true feelings. Remember truth is a powerful enzyme and it continues to transform over time. (Let go if the results are not immediate.)
Stop, rewind. Cancel-clear. Find a phrase to say when you notice what you are thinking or saying is not what you CHOOSE.
Cultivate a daily practice. Meditation, yoga or some other practice can keep your soul renewed and your spirits strong.
Listen to the soft, calm voice of knowing we all have but often ignore.
Stop the fearful chatter. Be the boss of your inner dialogue. Say “that’s enough!”
Embrace the new or uncomfortable. Rather than resist it try saying, “Wow! I’ve never done THIS before!”
Rewrite “the story” when you feel yourself stuck in one. How could you see this from a different perspective? What else is possibly true?
Cultivate play, laughter, joy. See a funny movie or do another energy changer. We are more creative, productive, and better leaders when we act from a place of happiness.
Take the next small step. Don’t worry about the full list of what is required to reach your objective, just move forward everyday in some way.
Connect with another supportive person.
Do tapping or EFT when your energy is off. If you don’t know what this is or need a reminder go to http://www.thetappingsolution.com/ or google Emotional Freedom Technique.

What are your favorite ways to keep yourself positive, motivated, and on track for the important goals you set?

For the Good of the Tribe

Our world will be healed, our lifestyles will be sustainable, our communities will thrive and our relationships will be enlivening only when the feminine is valued, nurtured and has a voice.

Although this blog speaks to women, eventually strong women leads to men and women valuing the feminine in each of us. And this is where balance can be found. Since the 1960’s women have developed and honored our own masculine traits. It was a difficult and bold change from our foremothers. We now have both power and influence in our world in many ways.

Yet, we journeyed here at a severe cost to our internal feminine compass. It is incumbent upon women in this new era to raise our feminine while continuing to honor and develop our own masculine. It is essential we find our voice in ways that encourage the masculine in our men, rather than demean them. Balancing our own masculine and feminine natures – and requiring the men we choose relationships with to do the same – will create new co-empowered relationships in our homes, communities, work places and government. In her book Mutant Down Under, Marlo Morgan asked the aboriginal wise woman/grandmother which was more important in their culture – men’s work or women’s work? It took multiple translations back and forth before the grandmother replied, “I understand her words, but her question does not make sense. Both men and women’s work is essential for the survival of the tribe.”

Look at our school systems, our health care system, our economy, the environment and our government. The survival of our tribe is at stake!

We must start with our inner world. And it will come as no surprise that the quickest way to find your inner roadmap (its joys, its detours and potholes) is to raise a child. For women having our daughters enter adolescence can be a loud wake up call to our own unprocessed issues about being a woman.

The survival of our human tribe depends on women learning to influence the fabric of our culture from our deep inner feminine wisdom. We must walk away from the trance of our culture and remember our place in the circle of life. We must remember our worth, so we speak our truth and inspire ourselves and our men to bold acts of integrity and soul filled businesses, governments, and economies. It is within our grasp.

Sorry — how often do you say it?

This Pantene ad uncomfortably depicts our unnatural tendency as women to apologize for everything –even mundane daily nuances, repeating “sorry” whenever someone might be displeased. Is it true? Do you? I confess, I still say sorry way too often in way too many circumstances where it is not the needed response.

As I became aware of it years ago I said it less–and still saying sorry is my tendency. It’s almost like having the doctor tap that little hammer on my knee and up flies my leg; only it is every possible time I accidentally bump into another human being physically or emotionally–oops, sorry–even if is they who are doing the bumping!

I never thought of it as a gender based issue, just a personal flaw of mine. Yet, after watching this ad and reading some of the interesting write ups on women apologizing, I am starting to notice how many of my female friends and colleagues are plagued with this “verbal tic” as Bonnie Marcus labeled it. You might enjoy reading some of the research, CNN’s Kelly Wallace found of two studies showing men having a higher threshold as to what they need to apologize for and Gwen Moran’s excellent write up giving solutions. She looks at women’s predominant tendency to say “sorry” and then offers three important habit changers–find another phrase, get someone to audit you and give you feedback, and ….silence.

We will talk more later about the different ways we can improve our strength in relating to others without feeling pushed around or having to push. But not right now–sorry!

Are you free?

Are you free? Independent? Sovereign? What does it mean to be these things? For some it can mean being alone and lonely. For others it can represent a burst of life force and spontaneity. For yet others it is in rebellion or pushing away from someone or something.

Today in the United States we are celebrating our nation’s beginnings as a free state. While enjoying the festivities, I encourage you to look at your own definition of independence and then assess your own internal nation-state. Where do you hold yourself hostage? What parts of your life would you like to emancipate? What can you do today, this week, this month to feel more self-reliant?

Be bold. The beginning of anything important never started with meek and mild attitudes or timid actions. Where do you want to be and what do you want to be doing? More importantly who do you want do be? Use the energy and momentum of today, stand on the shoulders of great people who were willing to risk it all to be free. “Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.’ ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Take steps today to free yourself from whatever is holding you back from letting your light shine. Be your own fireworks!

Femininity in Action

Did you know that when geese fly south for the winter they fly in that classic formation so those at the back can work less—literally gliding on the efforts of those before them? And when the goose at the lead becomes tired she moves to the back and another seamlessly moves into her place. These countless graceful exchanges of who is leading and making the largest effort help them travel thousands of miles. This is the feminine in action.

Structure and form are important, yet fluid. And for the feminine they take a back seat to creativity and collaboration.

This is one of the countless ways we as western women can “save the world” as the Dali Lama has been quoted so many times as saying—by demonstrating new forms of wealth, government, and living through creativity and collaboration, not competition.

Another interesting thing about geese is if one of them gets sick, or for some reason drops out of formation and cannot continue at least two others descend with that goose. That way, when the time is right, they begin their journey once again with the ability to lead and to follow—for each to work and for each to gain momentum from the draft created by another.

Let’s use the examples of the simple annual journey of geese to inspire our creation of new forms of living rather than fighting to change what is.

Great retreat — Amazing aha moments!

Wow! I was so inspired by the women and the growth at last Saturday’s women’s retreat! Here’s what others are saying afterwards:

“I am on fire with love for my life, and you are making a difference!”

“It was comforting to be in the company of damn fine women with purpose!”

“I feel that I have stumbled into the red hot section of my personal treasure map!”

Sound like something you want to partake in? Join us for our next event — Feminine Balance Retreat — July 26th in Austin, Texas.

PART OF INFLUENTIAL WOMEN, INC.

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