Category Archives: Coaching

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional”

As the United States remembered 9/11 last week,  I was reminded that none of us are immune from grief.

You have no doubt experienced sorrow and loss.

Perhaps your life looks nothing like what you had hoped for at one point.  Maybe you have lost someone important to your heart through death, divorce or other circumstances. Deep loss is felt by our bodies, minds, and souls. It is not a trivial experience. No matter what the cause, you have probably grieved deeply, and most likely you will again.

Over the years, I have facilitated various grief workshops for people who have recently lost a loved one–husband, child, sibling or parent.  The most profound of those workshops was a group of teens who had all recently lost a parent.

What was different about my group of teens?  Once they crossed over the barrier of being vulnerable with the group, they did things that helped their process that so many adults refuse to do:

  • They felt their grief as a real-time, present moment experience.  (My adult groups spent considerably more time focused on re-living moments of past grief, rather than identifying how they felt at the current moment.)
  • They had no goal to achieve in the process, they simply processed what they were feeling. (My adults participants usually measured and re-measured their progress by random, unconscious beliefs about where they should be in their process. This often colored what they shared with judgment about themselves, or pretense about where they were–rather than open, really vulnerable sharing.)
  • They knew they spent most of their time running from their pain and were honest about it. (Participants in other groups often took weeks or months to acknowledge their coping mechanisms so they could assess what was working and what was making things worse.)

These are gifts given unknowingly from my group of teens that anyone can embody.  What things still bring up feelings of grief for you?

Use the following steps based on the wisdom from my teens to help you move from feeling stuck in this grief to finding your inner transformation and resilliance.  You might want to journal your answers.

  1. Do you re-live this event in your mind frequently? Can you identify the difference between how you initially felt about this situation and how you feel NOW? Take a moment to describe this situation from your perspective today.  Anytime you notice your story going into how it felt “then,” cross it off and resume writing from the perspective of how it feels today. It is a good idea to do things that ground you in the current moment while doing this exercise. You might write for awhile, then go for a walk outside before continuing.  Other things that can help keep you grounded in today are exercising, contact with water (washing your hands or feet, swimming, taking a shower, foot bath in epsom salts), walking barefoot on the earth, and digging in the earth (weeding, planting).
  2. What judgments do you have about how you have handled grieving this situation, especially verses other people? Write them down.  Be specific.  You might start with sentences like, “I should have…,” “By now…,” “Other people…” Once you have exhuasted your litany of self-condemnations, rewrite each one beginning with the statement, “It’s OK that I…” Then find a nice place to walk where you can have a destination goal of at least 100 feet.  As you walk that distance take each step deliberately and state “It is OK that I…”  Do this as many times as you need to until you feel a release of judgment from each item.
  3. Identify (with scathing honesty!) all the ways you have ignored and run from feeling your feelings around this situation.  Write them down. Which ones of these are serving you and which ones are just keeping you tied to your grief? Make conscious choices as to which behaviors and actions you plan to continue and which you want to cease.  Call your best friend and tell her what you have discovered and ask her to help keep you accountable to your new goals. Create new behaviors that help you feel your feelings and release them, rather than cover over them. Here are a few suggestions:
    • Commit to feeling fully the grief when it comes.  If it is convenient, go into the shower and cry until you feel complete, go into a private room and turn on music loud to cover your sobs, or climb into bed and rock yourself in a fetal position.
    • Take long walks in nature regularly to reconnect to yourself and let go of the outside world
    • Journal everytime your emotions get triggered.  Give all your feelings voice–whether good, bad, or ugly–not just the socially acceptable ones.  Let your hurting inner-self really express the depth of how she feels. By ackowledging, not hiding, how you feel you take away these emotions power over you sand they can no longer control you.
    • Forgive yourself. You are usually encouraged to forgive others who have hurt you in order to heal from grief.  While that is an important element, the more often ignored and more important step is to forgive yourself.  Forgive yourself for the choices you made that helped create this circumstance, or for not taking care of yourself sooner, or for handling your grief in a way that has kept you stuck.  Whatever it is, forgive yourself over and over for it until you have set yourself free.

No one is immune from painful experiences that trigger feelings of sorrow and grief.  It is part of our human condition.  Yet, how we approach our grief can determine how long we carry its weight around our necks.

As the Buddha is oft-quoted as saying,

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

 

tips to avoid stress

Got Stress?

Do you feel stressed? Frequently?

I often walk a tight-rope between enthusiasm for something that keeps me working until late at night and feeling stressed and overloaded. Do you? We all know stress is not good for us, yet as a culture we seem almost addicted to it.

Here are some reasons you should care, and take action to reduce the stress levels in your life:

  1. Regardless of the type or size of the stress, each time you experience it (for most of us this is multiple times per day) your body has some 1,400 biochemical events. Unchecked, this causes premature aging, impairs of cognitive function, drains our energy — basically it reduces our effectiveness and clarity.
  2. Stress causes “cortical inhibition” which is the term brain researchers used to say it makes smart people do dumb things!
  3. People become numb to stress and then it becomes the new normal. Unfortunately, just because you are not noticing it, stress is still wreaking havoc in your brain and body. Even small stresses accumulate stress hormones in the body unless we take active steps to remove them. Unobserved stress can show up as over-reacting to life events, which if you continue to ignore can end up in really poor decisions and even an unwanted health issue.
  4. The American Medical Association notes that over 60% of ALL human illness and disease are caused by stress!

Notice: I did not start this list saying you should remove things in your life that cause stress, but that it is important to reduce your stress level?

That means our reaction to events is more important than the events. Your goal is to increase your ability to handle stressful events and quickly return to a state of calm.

At the Voice and Exit conference I went to recently, there were a number of talks about stress, it’s opposite – flow, and how we can become more effective. I also tested some fun products that help you relax.

Here is what I learned:

Breathing is top of every list.

Even the gadgets you can buy end up teaching you to breath deeper and more rhythmically. Try this every morning before getting out of bed and each evening before sleep. Then, use it during the day to reduce your stress levels and increase your brain power. Breathe in for five or more counts and then out for the same. Do this for at least two minutes while counting your breaths.

Real and imagined threats both create the same biochemical chain of events in your body.

I know we have all heard this, but it warrants repeating.

Our thoughts influence our level of stress as much or more than our outer circumstances.

If we are ruminating over what happened yesterday, last week, or last year again and again, we are triggering our body to go into fight or flight each time. This means noticing what goes on between our ears and taking control of it.

Deal with each stressful event when it arises; don’t hold on to it.

Easier said than done, but the amount of time wasted thinking about problems rather than acting on them could be as much as 25 to 50% of your day. Think of all the time you could free up — which would also decrease your stress levels — if you were not taking up so much space in your life this way.

Support yourself reducing stress with activities and tools that work for you.

Here are a few of my favorite stress busters I use:

  1. Exercise, exercise, exercise. We hear it and yet so many of us still do not do it regularly. I know I often let this go faster than anything in times of pressure. My favorite ways to keep it in my routine are to take a 30 minute walk between projects or at the end of my day. Gardening. I love having my hands in the dirt, being around plants AND true confession — it fulfills my need to get something done, rather than just “take care of myself.” The issue is not what you do; but that you do it. Five minutes on a trampoline, or downward dog yoga position, or jumping jacks will help reset your hormone meter.
  2. Sing out loud. You can do it when you are alone. Put the music on high and sing your heart out. Or do it in the shower. There is something cathartic about connecting our emotions with our voice in song.
  3. Dance. Although this could be in the exercise list, dancing has an emotional component for me that takes it to a whole new level. I can dance by myself to my playlist, dance with my kids around the living room or go out dancing — and each time I feel something move in me. If you haven’t danced since you were a young adult or teenager, then I highly recommend you find some private time to reconnect with your body. It is great!
  4. Joy. Dancing brings me joy which is why it is high on my list. But really all things that bring you into a state of joy work to lower cortisol and other stress hormones. Playing with your puppy, wrestling with your child, painting can all do the trick…what brings you joy?
  5. Meditation. For those of you who meditate, you know how blessed this can be. For those of you who haven’t tried it, this is your invitation. Most people avoid meditation because they believe they cannot quiet their mind. But that is not your objective. Your goal is to notice when your mind has hijacked you into some story and gently return to your objective of calmness. Over time, your mind becomes the servant it is meant to be, and you become the master. Right now, it may be driving you around, instead of the other way around.
  6. Get more sleep. This is hard for me because I think of myself as a night-owl and enjoy the work I get done when the house goes silent. However, the more I play with earlier sleep routines the more I am realizing what a great impact it has on my attitude and my effectiveness. I am converted!

I will follow up with a review of the products I tested at Voice and Exit soon and let you know what works.

Until then, notice how stressed you are — become observant, and then start to take action.