Category Archives: empowerment

Annual Ritual to Ensure Failure?

Most of you will create New Years resolutions in the coming days; but, have you reviewed those you made last year? How did you do? Both women and men continue this annual ritual throughout the world; however, very few people do it in a way that help them succeed.

In fact, I will bet the way you create these resolutions may be contributing to your failure!

That may sound harsh, but unrealized dreams is a harsher reality. There are common traits of people who do not achieve their dreams. Are any of these familiar?

  1. Wishing for, instead of believing in, your goals.
  2. Making goals without ever reviewing your progress.
  3. Creating goals that make you feel bad about yourself by focusing on
    1. what you do not have,
    2. what about yourself you dislike, or
    3. how you feel you “should be” which is externally driven instead of coming from deep desire.
  4. Plus, the amount of guilt you carry for all the unkept resolutions adds to the problem and keeps you stuck.

I want you to find ways to succeed so let’s look at a few tips to move your resolutions to real goals that become your reality.

  • Avoid making a laundry list of promises to stop doing x,y, or z.

    (Trying to NOT do something just keeps that something front and center of your mind, making it harder to achieve your goal.)

  • Go beyond the initial goal and find what is driving it.

    Once you delve deeper you’ll create a much better goal and one you will be more inspired to achieve. Here are some examples of how goals can be worded to describe the why, the way you will feel when they are your reality:

    • Change I want to loose 15 pounds to I feel great in my body, clothes fit well, and I enjoy my vitality.
    • Replace I need to be debt free to I feel empowered to make the choices I want because I have financial resources to do so.
    • Modify I found a better job to My work is fulfilling and I am inspired by the people I work with.

  • Limit your resolutions to three things (one or two is even better).

    I like to have one personal goal and one professional goal. Anything more than three becomes a wish list with no meaningful attention kept on any one goal.

  • Write down your resolutions and put them where you can read them daily, even multiple times a day.

    Say them out loud. This may sound silly, but do it anyway. You need to say them until you believe it is so, even if you do not yet have the material results to show for it. When you say your goal aloud visualize how you will feel and what you will be doing when it is reality.

  • Tell somebody else what your goal(s) are for this coming year and then keep them posted regularly on your success.

    I belong to a mastermind, but sharing with your best friend is equally helpful in this step.

Belief in yourself, your goals, your ability to achieve them and your worthiness to have them is the most important step in manifesting your dream. Try to think of one famous musician, olympic athlete, or other successful person who did not believe they would achieve their goal some way, some how.

Become an olympiad of your own life.

The fringe benefits of failure

In 2008, J.K. Rowling gave the commencement address to the graduating class at Harvard and titled her speech, “The fringe benefits of failure and the importance of imagination.” I wish I could have been there, as both of these ring so true to me today. More importantly, I sure could have used learning that lesson much earlier in life.

As a college student and in my early professional years, the idea of failing was the tiger chasing me from behind–always keeping me running faster. It could have never occured to my younger self that failing might have its benefits. Did you understand this when you were younger? Do you actually believe it, today?

Yet, today I know that I have learned more from my failures than my successes and that many of my successes came from the ashes of my failing.

But the biggest benefit of failure is NOT the lesson you might learn from the fall. The benefit comes from trying at all!

So many people give up–on an idea, a vision, a dream–long before they ever begin because they fear failure. I bet you can think of at least a few times you never tried because you did not want to fail. I can.

The willingness to fail and learn from your mistakes might be the single most important determining factor on whether you will succeed.

If you think failing puts you in the company of loosers, remember then Thomas Edison attempted to create the incadescent light bulb over 10,000 times before succeeding.  When asked how he could continue after failing so many times he replied that he did not fail but came that much closer to the right answer.

So how about it? What could you try? How might you challenge your status quo and go outside your comfort zone?

Do you love yourself?

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

~Marilyn Monroe

One of the hardest and best books I ever read was Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection. I had spent my whole life trying to be perfect for other people so they:

  • Wouldn’t leave me.
  • Would accept me into their circle.
  • Would admire me.
  • But most importantly would love me!

Brene’s book rocked my very soul.  It then took years for me to embrace it’s wisdom–and really I am still learning.

Do you love yourself just the way you are?  Are you ready to be as bold as Marilyn and tell someone if they cannot handle you at your worst they don’t deserve you at your best?

I am!

Taming Your Inner Critic

Have you noticed how often your inner critic sabatoges your relationships, your confidence, and your life?

Becoming aware of the subtle whispers she is putting in your thought process, not to mention the down right abusive yelling, all takes a willingness to listen.  All too often you try to ignore and push these voices down in order to overcome them. However, like almost everything in life the more we ignore or deny it, the worse it gets.

Your inner critic causes you to react, rather than respond, to your environment more than you can imagine.  She makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and incompetant. She compares you to others, points out your flaws and makes your entry into an important event much more difficult than necessary.

My inner critic not only criticizes me, she also starts to attack someone outside when their look on their face or tone of voice makes her feel criticized. Although the queen of criticizing me, she cannot stand to feel criticized and will put me on the defensive faster than I can blink, unless I am listening for her.

Stop and listen when you notice this inner dialogue, rather than allowing it to egg you into reactions you will later regret the affects of.  Just pausing rather than reacting will give you the space you need to make conscious choices of how to handle a situation.

I love the advice of Dorie Clark and Susan Brady around the inner critic.  They say to listen with compassion and curiosity because awareness is the first step to changing a behavor. They also state that studies show people who practice self-compassion are happier, more optimistic, less anxious and less depressed.

For those types of gains, I am going to start practicing more self-compassion starting now.  How about you?

The first step in self-compassion is listening to your inner critic with curiosity for what she might really be trying to tell you.  Learn from it and thank her for trying to help.  Like most of us, when she feels heard her need to increase the volume goes down.  And a decrease of inner criticism will go a long way to improving how you feel, how you relate to others, and how well you perform at what you do.

 

 

What are you passionate about?

What things get your juices flowing?  Are there topics you find yourself talking about socially that you could go on and on about?

It is important to know what really makes you excited, and then make sure you are including those things in a big way in your life.

Enthusiasm is contagious.  It makes life lighter. It fuels your energy tank in ways that nothing else can.

So why is it that so many women live lives that lack pizzaz?  Do any of these hold you in a place of hum-drum daily existance?

  • Prior commitments.
  • Responsibilities.
  • Bills need to be paid.
  • No time for anything else.
  • Don’t want to hurt anyone.

Too often, women assume that their needs have to be met AFTER everyone and everything else is taken care of.  This tactic results in slow simmering anger and resentment or subtly growing depression for many.  How do you avoid this slippery slope?

You must make it a priority to feed your soul. This is not another to-do to add to your already overflowing list of obligations.  Rather, this is what will give you the energy to complete those things with a smile on your face.

I help women find their passion and incorporate it fully into their professional life, usually by creating a company that embodies their values, has a mission they are passionate about, and surrounds them with people and events that they would enjoy–whether it was work or not. You can learn more about my Wealth Development Program here.

Having your work life BE your passion is one way to ensure you include what you are enthusiastic about in your daily world.  But their are other ways, too. Here are just a few:

  • Volunteer with an organization that is doing what you believe in. By actively helping in an area you care about you will start to feed your belief you can make a difference.
  • Dedicate Saturday mornings doing something you love (painting, dancing, kayaking…) before you venture into chores or other activities. If Saturday mornings don’t work, find a day you can commit to. Time spent cultivating enjoyment will help you re-ignite your life and your belief things can be fun.
  • Spend time regularly with someone who is doing what they are passionate about and support their efforts. As you see how someone else incorporates their passion into their life; you will begin to see opportunities for your own life to change.
  • Regularly go outside your comfort zone.  Too often, the biggest challenge to improving your life is your habits–the way you always do things. If you want things to change you are going to have to change things in your life.  If you want more of the same, continue doing what you always do.

Don’t let your life and the weight of it control you.  You control your life.  Most women avoid this because they think it means throwing away their career, their marraige, or some other important element of their current life.  Maybe it does.  But most likely, once you embark on waking up your passion the changes will look much different than they do today.

Take a small step. Today. And then another step, tomorrow. Move in the direction of living fully. You will be amazed at the joy you bring back into ALL aspects of your life as YOU become more fully alive.

 

Do You Resist Change?

I do not easily embrace change.  Do you?

I clung to my marraige long past its healthy life.  I have remained in my family home–with all its memories of another time–probably longer than was good for me starting a new life. I love creating warm, cuddly environments and then I rarely want to move from them. I am very flexible and “go with the flow” in most situations; so I deceive myself about how hard it is for me to really move willingly into big changes.

Some people are definitely more inclined to jump with both feet into change whenever the opportunity arises, and others, like me, are slow to put our toes in the water. What is your nature?

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

– Charles Darwin – 1809-1882, Naturalist and Geologist

Ironically, in business I understand completely that the companies who are able to change and adjust to their environment are the ones that succeed.  I actually am good at it in a business arena, just not my personal life.  So it is time to bring my innate knowledge of adaptability in business to my own personal life.

I will be making many changes in the coming months.  It is both exciting and terrifying!  I will keep you posted on my progress at jumping in the water.

How many hats do you wear in your life?

In a world where you hustle from one commitment to the next, keeping all your plates spinning can be a constant challenge.  Usually we look at this from the view of a work and life balance as if they are two separate and distinct compartments.

The tasks competing for your time can be overwhelming, especially if you make endless to-do lists.  But maybe there is an easier way to look at your life and make juggling your many plates a little easier.  Forget viewing everything as equally demanding of your time or a long list you must endlessly prioritize.

Instead, look at the demands on your time from the view of the many different hats you wear. Start to catagorize demands on your time into these different roles rather than separate responsibilities.

What are all the hats you wear and roles you play in an average week or month?

You have the major hats you wear. These might be roles like:

  • Boss
  • Wife
  • Mother
  • Employee

But you probably also put on a number of other hats each day, week or month that you should add to the list.

  • Volunteer
  • Dog walker
  • Counselor for friends
  • Health consultant for family
  • Family maid service
  • Yard maintenance
  • You might even wear different hats with different people; list them.

Make your list as complete as you can, including all the hats you wear–whether chosen or out of duty.  Start to notice how much time each week you invest wearing these different hats. You may find that although one of them is extremely important to you, you don’t put that hat on nearly as often as another you really don’t enjoy wearing.

Then turn to your heart and ask which of these roles are your heart’s priorities. Pick your top three to five hats that you wish to wear, no matter what!

If your time investment is not aligned with the top five roles you desire to play, then it is time for a reset!

From this vantage point of roles you can start to assess if there are hats you wear that someone else could just as easily put on, freeing your time to wear the hats that matter.  It also allows you to lump many seemingly insignificant tasks that take up a lot of time into roles that matter and roles that do not.

Often I have been perplexed when a well-meaning friend has offered to help me by doing something that on the surface seems like it took a great load off my list; however, I resisted.  I now realize when I look at my responsibilities from this new angle that they were taking something that made sense from shortening my list, but was one of the hats I love.

By assessing your competing responsibilities by which hat your wear to do it you will find yourself free to make easier choices that lighten your load AND enliven your life.  When you put hats on that make you smile and inspire you more often then you have more energy for the rest of your work-life.

Balance can be restored by negotiating with others to pitch in on the hats you don’t enjoy, hiring help, or just putting those hats on much less often.  Your confidence will also be boosted as you tend to the things that matter; because we all know when things that matter are well everything else is so much easier.

The final take away is sometimes in order to juggle this work-life balance issue we try to do multiple things at one time. My advice is to drop that tactic, focus on what matters, who matters, and what really counts.

You always look better wearing one hat at a time.

 

create a blue zone routine

Create Your Own Blue Zone Routines

August is often the start of hectic activities to resume our regular routines. Here is why, and how creating your own Blue Zone routine is important.

Whether you are getting ready to send your children back to school, or you are just starting back into a more regular work week as employees, you and your customers are all back from vacations — the end of summer schedules is near.

As you begin to ramp back up into your regular routine I suggest you think about creating routines that better align with your desires and your health — rather than doing what you have always done.

I often talk about how creating a life you love will feed your soul and your pocketbook. And it is true. Plus, creating routines that feed your inspiration actually improve your health and life span!

In his book, The Blue Zones, Dan Buettner describes nine key lessons he discovered while researching the places around the world where people live longer than average. He looked at places where people lived to over 100 healthy at rates significantly higher than average — blue zones. Many things he found also match what I have learned about success.

Here are key points you will want include in your routine this fall:

  • Regular physical exercise — preferably outside rather than in a gym helps your body be strong and reduces stress.
    • Walking five miles a day or more every day seems common in blue zones.
    • Gardening is another great form of exercise that uses a wide range of motions and gives you a source of fresh vegetables.
  • Choose work you love, rather than work to later do what you love.
  • Find purpose in your life so you wake up enthusiastic for your day.
  • Take time for family — many blue zones have strong family time in their lives. In fact, they put family first.
    • Develop and cherish a strong social network; family and friends who will have your back and you will have theirs emotionally, financially and physically. Make sure the people you spend the most time with honor the same values and goals you do.
  • Take time daily to admire what is beautiful in your world. Stop and enjoy it.
  • If your routine does not include much laughter, start new ones that allow for more joy in your daily life.
  • Keep learning. Look for ways to expand your mind regularly.

Here is to your happy, healthy, Blue Zone routines. Do you have one to add?

The road to financial empowerment

Alexa von Tobel dropped out of business school to start LearnVest. Her mission is to make financial planning affordable to everyone, not just the elite!

Financial empowerment is a tall goal since so many people in our world think nothing more about financial planning than how to make this week’s paycheck stretch to the next!

I don’t know how this looks in the rest of the world, but according to the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System’s 2014 Report on  the Economic Well-Being of U.S. Households:

  • 34% of Americans feel under financial stress
  • 59% spend all or more money than they earn.
  • 47% cannot handle an unexpected expense greater than $400.

Because women often let finances become a black hole they avoid, I think Alexa’s company can be the entry point you need to get off the starting point in this area of your life.

And let’s face it, when you do not feel empowered financially everything else starts to become weaker, too.

LearnVest is structured with a minimum start up fee and then small monthly fees for tools, structure, and on-going online guidance.  I haven’t used it and am not selling it; but I have to say the concept is brilliant. Every get rich book you read or seminar you attend will always advise you to start finding ways to put 10% of every pay check away.  I like to call it “paying myself.”

But once you do that if you have never invested in the stock market, don’t know the difference between the Dow Jones Industrials and Fortune 500, and are pretty clear earning less than 1% at your local bank is not going to get you rich — where do you turn?

I recommend you check out LearnVest as they have free online budget programs and other free tools. Their blogs I read have some spot on financial advice and once you explore it if you decide to invest in the program you will probably find even more there.

Whether you choose this or any other forum for becoming more educated about your finances and controling them–rather than running from them–you will be a more empowered woman. It will give you choices and help you create a life you enjoy.

Start somewhere. Each step moves you closer to feeling good about you.

 

How do you compare?

One of the worst things women do to themselves is compare themselves to others–especially other women.

Yet, as women, we are frequently doing this. I know I have found myself guilty as charged on numerous occasions.  Have you?

I remember during a rough spot in my marriage dropping my son off at a friend’s house for a sleep over. Since I, too, was friends with most of his friends’ parents, I stayed and visited for quite awhile before leaving him there for the night. When I got back in my car to drive home I actually sobbed before driving off because they seemed to have such a wonderful relationship and mine seemed to be falling apart.

Only a few months later at the dropoff to school, this child’s mother came to give me her son’s overnight things since he was coming home with me after school. With a concerned look on her face she explained her son might be overly emotional because his dad and her had just told the family they were getting divorced! I was shocked. We talked for awhile and I offered any help I could give.

Driving away from the school I was overwhelmed with the feeling of how little we really know about the shoes in which anyone else walks. How can we compare ourselves to others when we actually have such inadequate data for our comparisons?

On the flip side of these comparisons, I often have women tell me they could never succeed the way I have because they aren’t as ….. as me. Have you thought that about someone? Most of the ways you fill in the blanks on that statement are full of inadequate data, being pumped up with illusions that someone else always knows more, has more, is more, and can do more than you. They are not filled with truth and facts.

What can you do to fill the space where you normally compare yourself and break this way of looking at yourself and the world?

  1. Rather than find someone who can do it better than you; look for someone who you excel past!
  2. Every time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone; stop right then. Find five people who you can pay a complement to or congratulate on something. Make them feel good about themselves. (You will be amazed at this simple act and I will discuss it in more detail in another blog.)
  3. Go look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself five things you like about you. Look yourself in the eye when you say it.

Commit to doing this and you will find a mound of benefits flow into your life.  Without changing your education, looks, or position you will find:

  • A greater network of resources as people become less risky as competition and more likely friends.
  • Increased confidence to tackle the tough stuff.
  • Greater ability to ask the people you think do it better for help.
  • Clarity on your true strengths and weaknesses so you can focus on what you do well.
  • More energy, vitality and enthusiasm–all of which are magic bullets to having, doing and being who you want to be!