Category Archives: mindset

What Holds You Back?

Do you sometimes feel if you just had this degree, that contact, or some achievement you could stand stronger? Maybe if you felt more secure you would start that business idea, ask for that raise, or take that leap of faith in yourself?

Do you find yourself thinking, “If only…then I ….”?

I hear, “If only…” more times than I can count, weekly from women just like you–women who actually have amazing ideas, great strengths, and yet somehow still feel they are not ready for whatever it is that is calling them. Lack of self-confidence holds more women back than any other factor.

You will often hear me joke with people in my trainings about my education, saying:

The main thing I received from Harvard Business School was a healthy, yet, cocky confidence. 

Although that may seem ridiculous and a joke, in many ways it’s true. You see, just like Henry Ford when accused of being ignorant said he could find any facts by calling on the people who worked for him,  I, too, know that much of what I learned can be found in any library or internet search.  But the ability to believe in my competence and no longer think other people knew more or were better than me., now that was invaluable.

Building confidence starts with little things.

The funny thing is, your confidence is controlled by you, not external people or events. I read a short Forbes article by LaRae Quy that is worth the quick read. She was an FBI investigator and her no-nonsense way of describing what it takes to have confidence can help remind you of the little things that you can do without earning more degrees or positions before you feel good about who you are.

Another tool you can use to feel more confident is tied to how you walk, stand and face other people.  In her 2-minute exercise, Amy Cuddy explains in her Ted Talk how to do this. If you haven’t watched it–it is a must for any woman, man, and especially entrepreneurs who regularly have to solicit support from investors, employees, suppliers, customers and even family.

Be the person you were meant to be. Believe in you. And start showing up in the most vibrant authentic self you are–today!

 

 

What Advice Would You Give?

If you could go back in time and give advice to your younger self, perhaps just as you graduated—what would you say?

Last week one of my daughters graduated college. It was a wonderful moment–perhaps as much for me as her. She is smart, inspiring and poised to do great things.

Her graduation reminded me that I am proud of all my children and so excited for where they each are heading. Yet, even as they are becoming adults I want so much to guide them, give them words of wisdom, offer the perfect thought that helps them navigate the years ahead.

While I reflected upon what I could say to her that might be meaningful, I began to ponder what I wish someone had told me. What advice might have helped me traverse life, especially those early pivotal years when I first set sail?

  • Be bold?
  • Believe in yourself?
  • Take risks?
  • Follow your heart?

These, and others, are important. Yet, today the advice I wish I had heard and followed is:

Don’t settle!

Don’t settle for “good enough”—not in your career, not in love, not in yourself.

At one time or another, you may have realized you missed pursuing something that made you joyful for something safe. It was probably the fear that you would never find something better than what you had—so why risk losing it—that drove these choices.

If you are honest, you might find that your own choices have often made your life stagnant with this type of thinking.  My advice today to my daughter (and to myself) is simply don’t settle. What does that mean?

Pursue jobs and careers that you would do even if they weren’t paying you.

 Stay with someone ONLY if they bring out the best in you and make you feel connected, happy and inspired. If not, leave and don’t worry about whether you will ever find someone else as good. (You can be sure you won’t if you stay with this person.)

 Whatever you do, give it your best effort. This is true in romance, friendship, parenting, work, volunteering, everything. Don’t do it if you aren’t willing to go the extra mile.  If you limit what you invest yourself in only to things that matter you will have more time for everything you care about and everything you do will be much more effective.

No matter what our age, each day we graduate to the next. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

Are you settling? If so, stop. I challenge you to find the places you have allowed “good enough” to be the standard, then raise the bar, risk change, expect more.

Afraid of Starting Over?

Do you sometimes think that if you completely change the direction of your life that everything you have done thus far has been a waste of energy? Maybe you spent many years studying to do what you do, or building your resume for the trajectory you’re on. The internal chatter can be overwhelming when you consider big change.

Yet, is there still a nagging voice that you are not living to your potential? Do you know in the pit of your stomach that you have so much more to give than what you are doing?

You are not alone. This is exactly where many women today are—discouraged or even numb at where they are; yet, paralyzed by the idea of starting over.

What if it wasn’t about starting over? Because it isn’t. You actually can’t start over—there is no rewind button in life. And thank God, because everything thus far has made you the perfect person to do whatever it is that your heart is longing for you to manifest!

Your job now is to take all you have accomplished, everything you failed at, each of the varied experiences you lived, anything you have dreamed, your intuition, each relationship, and your unique skills to create what comes next. The key is you have to push the start button and begin. If you don’t, you will be having these same conversations in your head next month, next year, maybe even ten years from now.

Let go of the “what if only” stories about what you could have or should have done, and release the thoughts that any of the past will be wasted if you change directions. Instead of letting the chatter in your brain rule, trust your heart and listen to what would make you really happy doing.

Rumi said,

“What you seek is seeking you!”

And Napoleon Hill said that all, not some but all, of the successful people he studied had a BURNING DESIRE for something and that desire is what made them successful—not their resume, credentials, intelligence, contacts or any other factor! They took action on their dreams and you can, too!

So go ahead. Take a leap of faith in yourself and create the life you desire!

 

 

No ~ I Don’t Want THAT!

Occasionally I get hit with something I really don’t want. You know the days–unwanted news, unexpected losses, or really, really inconvenient changes to your life plans.

On those days, don’t you wish you could just rid your life of all the things you don’t like? I mean, really, wouldn’t it be sweet to experience fun and laughter, peace and serenity every day? And aren’t you so much nicer when life is going your way?

The thing I am learning is that everything–yep, everything–can be for my highest good when I am open to it.

It is like life is a great big smorgasbord serving up all sorts of options for me to select.

At a buffet I often try things I’ve never had; and occasionally I have to spit the morsel out into my napkin. Nope not to my taste! I don’t get angry at the chef; nor do I feel cheated in any way. Until I try certain delicacies I actually don’t know I don’t like them. And once I do, I can be really clear not to pick it up again.

However, in life, until recently, I seemed to believe the universe should only offer me that which pleases me and felt upset when things didn’t go as I desired–especially if I felt I had worked hard for a different outcome. Now I am starting to see that life does not care which things I choose from her smorgasbord, she is just offering me options. I am the one who has chosen to pick up this experience for some reason and it is me that needs to put it down if I don’t like it.

When you know what you don’t want, you will know what you do.

The more discerning I become about what I do and don’t want, the better I am getting at creating experiences that match my desires. I realize my discernment has come from experiencing many things I did not enjoy, so I am beginning to see these negative experiences as part of my training to be a 5-star chef of my own life. If I hadn’t experienced both the really great times and the horribly low ones I could only create a mediocre life.

So what about the times you feel like someone else must have put this disgusting tasting thing on your plate because you didn’t order it?

I have had a lot of experiences that did not feel like I ordered them from life–my father dying when I was a teen, a bitter divorce, a wildfire burning my land and business. Because I tend to be the type of person who thinks everything is my fault, I have to be careful with the spiritual teachings that encourage me to take responsibility for my life, no matter what. You know the jargon, “You drew this to you…”

Overtime, I have learned to change my perspective on these and other unwanted things I felt “happened to me.”

  • From my father’s death I became compassionate to people’s inner sufferings, have helped countless friends through life crises, and became a grief coach helping many people navigate the tender journey of grieving a major loss. Would I choose loosing my father at that young age? No. Did good come from it? Absolutely, yes.
  • From a divorce that was not wanted and bitter on both sides in it’s early years, I have learned deep forgiveness for myself and another human being–way beyond what I thought possible. I also now recognize how unhappy I was and how he gifted me in leaving, because I never would have left. Maybe I did unconsciously put this morsel on my plate by asking life for a relationship he was unable to provide.
  • From the fire I found surrender in many things–not everything being under my control, having to work with my ex-husband after our divorce and forge new bonds, learning that starting over is not the end of the world but an opportunity for a fresh beginning. I am someone who perseveres at all costs, perhaps longer than is healthy. The fire and its long-term consequences on my life were the universe’s kick in the a** to move on.

The next time you don’t like what is on your plate of life just say, “No, thank you. I would prefer …..” Then quickly put your attention on what you do want and keep it there.

One of my past spiritual teachers often spoke of the day he learned to ride his motorcycle on mountain roads in Colorado. His friend finally pulled over to a rest stop and told him, “Look where you want to go, not where you don’t want to be, or you will end up off these cliffs!” My daughters’ horseback riding instructors always told them the same thing.

It is a great lesson for motorcycles, horses, and life!

Look where you want to go, or end up where you don’t want to be!

The net of all this is:

  • Appreciate life’s buffet. She is offering you a cornucopia of options.

  • Learn from experiences you don’t like so you don’t have to taste them a second time.

  • Say no quickly and use life’s less than tasty treats to help you know what you do like and create what you love.

  • Move quickly from focusing on the thing you don’t want that you are experiencing to what you would prefer.

 

Do You Raise Boys Differently than Girls?

Women become empowered (or disempowered) long before they become women. I was appalled the first time I realized, that even I, an accomplished business women and Harvard MBA, had different “rules” for my son than my daughters.

As a mother, I also learned that being a girl verses being a boy came with more DNA differences than genitals–a fact my beliefs prior to having children did not take into consideration.

So as parents, it is critical we treat each child as an individual not a gender AND that we actually become aware of our own unconscious biases before we instill them in our girls and boys.

In a recent NY Times article, Caroline Paul asks, “Why do we teach our girls it is cute to be scared?” It is a great question and similar to one that every mother, if she is honest, probably asks herself at one time or another.

“Why am I treating my girl different from my boy?”

There are so many unconscious beliefs we have about life, especially in regards to genders. Sometimes it is important to celebrate our differences and at other times it is important to not create differences that are solely the result of biases.

Many of your own biases you may not suspect even exist, until you are faced with a situation that tests them. It is in times like these that we can be humble and realize we may be making a mistake and most importantly be willing to change.

Change only comes when we are aware of what we are doing.

I appreciate articles like Caroline’s that put in my face questions like, “Do I expect my son to conquer is fears while I suggest to my daughter to avoid risk?” Only when we ask ourselves these questions against a backdrop of real life situations of our own lives or like those she describes as a firefighter in San Francisco, can we really become clear about our own biases.

Where else might you be holding your daughter back that you would not do with your son?

  • Do you accept her telling you she is not good at math or science? One of my daughters told me that for years and I continued to tell her it just wasn’t true. This year she graduates Phi Beta Kappa as a Bio-Chem major and getting A’s at advanced calculus classes.
  • Do you accept that she is klutzy and get her interested in things that don’t challenge her physically; while you might push your son to push through?
  • Do you expect (or insist) your son help with construction projects, yard work, or car maintenance while never inviting your daughter to do the same?

These are just a few of the areas we might be holding our girls back; while never intending to. Listen closely to your messages with your children; you might be surprised what you hear.

I love the distinct things my daughters bring to my life that are different from my son, and also the things he brings that are uniquely masculine. I no longer expect them to be the same as I did before having children.

Yet, I also am painfully aware of many biases I inflicted upon their beliefs and inner dialog without intending to do so. And I appreciate friends, family, articles like Caroline’s, and my children themselves for pointing out when I had an unconscious gender bias.

The only way to change something is to become aware there is a need for change!

 

The Road to Hell …

My mom frequently told me actions speak louder than words.

In fact, one night a college friend and I were visiting my home town and promised to clean up the bathroom before leaving to go out for the night. Of course, in our laughter and excitement for the evening we left the bathroom cluttered with makeup, blow dryers and other assorted things we used to get ready for our event. I have long since forgotten where we were going, who we were meeting, or anything about the evening except for one thing.

When we arrived home in the wee hours of the morning we found written in lipstick on the mirror in bold letters:

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

We looked around the bathroom and saw our unkept promise in bold relief. Oops! We laughed at her tactic as we cleaned up and the lesson was imprinted on my mind from that point forward.

What you may not realize when you intend to do things but never act is the multiple negative things you are actually doing to yourself–regardless of whether you are also letting someone else down. By not following through on your intentions you:

  1. Learn to distrust yourself which sets you up for all sorts of other problems.
  2. Store residual guilt in your psyche that is a heavy weight around your ability to feel good and enjoy life.
  3. Create an ever increasing sense of things left undone, adding to your feeling of overwhelm.

You might intend to do more than you do because you feel you should, or want to think of yourself as a good person who would do these things. But the bottom line is that intending without doing helps no one and eventually harms you.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.

Oscar Wilde – 1854-1900, Playwright

The best way around this subtle trap is to consciously choose what things you will actually commit to doing and make the list a small one. Then take action on anything and everything you commit to. Even if they are small commitments you will actually be building up your ability to follow through and the confidence others have in you.

The next time you find yourself adding to your invisible list of intentions ask yourself if you are really committed to doing this thing, or just wish you would/could. If it is more of a wish then give yourself permission to say no–to others or yourself–and let it go.

No. It’s a Complete Sentence!

I learned that “No” is a complete sentence from Ann Moore past CEO and Chairwoman of Time, Inc. It is a brilliant piece of advice that I suggest you use as a mantra.

This is an important lesson, especially for women, as we tend to say yes to everyone and everything–except ourselves or justify and apologize for not doing more. You probably do many things each week that you really don’t want to do, rather than saying no.

A recent article in Fast Company, by Stephanie Vozza, has a few good ideas to help you build your ability to say no when you mean it, rather than say yes because it’s easier. However, many of her suggestions start to justify your no; and in the long run it is more powerful if you can learn to “just say no!”

Why justifying your answer disempowers you.

Years ago in a teenage-parenting class I learned that by giving my teenagers reasons for my decisions–something I thought helped my children learn–I was actually giving my kids something to argue with. Although it seemed counterintuitive to my parenting style, I started to see that the more I justified my decisions the more we argued about them; eventually I stopped giving reasons.

Once you open the door to someone evaluating your choice you have changed the dynamics of the conversation. Every sales rep knows that no does not mean NO–as long as they can learn why. Early in my career I trained new sales reps to patiently wait after someone said no for their reasons. Most people feel bad saying no and will quickly give you their reason why. This always gives a sales rep the ability to “overcome the objection.’ It is the same reason you probably dislike used car sales people–they know this tactic all too well.

Respectfully declining is an art.

One thing I loved about Stephanie’s article was her emphasis on finding ways to demonstrate respect for the person asking, even while declining their request. When people feel dismissed it creates resentment. When they feel their needs are heard they are more likely to respect your “no.” Some easy phrases include:

  • Thank you for thinking of me, …
  • I am honored you are including me…
  • That sounds like an amazing opportunity, but….
  • I would enjoy that at a different time…
  • That sounds really important to you but it conflicts with things I already am committed to.

Don’t leave the door open if you really don’t want to be asked again.

You may find it easier to say things like, “Maybe next time,” or “I would really like to but..,” or even “Let me think about it.” These phrases may soften the blow of your ‘no’ today; but overtime they will cause discord between you and the other person if you really have no intention of saying ‘yes’ later. Putting off the inevitable actually leaves the other party hanging and repeated hearing ‘no’ starts to create resentment.

Having four children meant the limits of time alone meant I couldn’t say yes to everything they all asked for–even when the requests were for things I thought were fun or “good”–but I wanted desperately to do as much as I could so I often said maybe. And when the requests were for things my children felt passionate about even if I didn’t like the idea I always attempted to see their point of view, rather than quickly say no. Later in life, one of my children told me it would have been easier on her if I had just said no and stuck with it. My lack of decisiveness actually was harder for her than if she knew she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I think the same is true for adults. People want to know where they stand and saying no when you mean it is actually the kinder thing to do.

Try making, “No is a complete sentence,” your mantra or affirmation for a month.

You will be amazed at how much it simplifies your life and actually allows you to experience more joy when your days and weeks are no longer full of things you really did not want to do!

 

 

 

3 Signs You Are Holding Yourself Back

Today I mistakenly went to a yoga class way above my level of practice. After everyone was seated on their mat the instructor said something that included the level of the class and my whole body tensed.

Immediately my inner voice started screaming, “Oh no! I am in the wrong class. I can’t do this one. How did I make this mistake?”

I considered my options.

I could run for the door quickly before she started, but picking up my mat, bolster, block, and strap seemed so disruptive as everyone was on their mat and ready. Plus, what would she think? I felt I would need to explain my departure. Although, “Oh, I came for a different class,” seems easy enough, my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t commit to saying it before the instructor started.

As I was still considering exiting the room, another voice started complaining that I was traveling all week and this was my only opportunity to do a yoga class. I should stay and modify to my own capability. About the time I began warming to the idea of staying she started asking the class if they wanted to do this posture or that–all above my skill level–confirming my belief I should leave.

I opted to surrender to the fact that for some reason I was here; I wanted to do yoga, and I could monitor my body and do only what was right for me. As the class progressed I surprised myself at how much I was able to do without strain.

Coming to tears

Near the end of class we were experimenting with some difficult poses–poses most of this advanced class were learning–and I found myself frozen with fear again. I could even feel tears welling up in my eyes as I realized how much I did not want to try what was being asked. The instructor helped me get in and out of the pose correctly and I was able to learn more about my body.

But the real learning was in my mind.

How many situations do I avoid outside of yoga because I am afraid? Where do I hold myself back fearing I am not capable of “doing it right?” After class I started looking deep at my own fear of failure–something I teach my clients around the world to break-through in business every day! What I realized was that in those places I feel strong in–like business–I am willing to risk and push the envelop. However, when I am in areas where I feel insecure–I always play it safe!

Today’s yoga class showed me something my unconscious mind had not considered.

When I play it safe I am missing out on things I am actually capable of doing!

How do you know when you are holding back? Here are three tell tale signs:

  1. Try to remember the last time you did something you were afraid of doing. If it was awhile ago; or worse, you don’t remember the last time, then you are definitely not exploring your world and experiencing the joy you get when you accomplish something difficult and one your not sure you can achieve.
  2. Identify what new things you have learned in the last two years? Have you taken up a new sport, hobby, or instrument? Unless you are learning new things regularly, you are allowing your mind and your brain neurons to atrophy. But new brain science proves that our brains have the ability to renew themselves with use. Building your neuroplasticity is like going to the gym for your mind and it requires learning new things.
  3. Notice if you envy your friends and colleagues who seem live more spontaneously, travel to more unusual places (even if they are not expensive and exotic locations), pick up new hobbies, or put themselves in situations you would find embarrassing. As a kid I often watched other kids play sports, wishing to be part of the fun; but I held back because I didn’t know how to do whatever they were doing and did not want feel embarrassed. It was a painful place to be stuck. Notice if you have brought that type of thinking into your adult life.

The great thing about becoming aware of your tendency to hold yourself back is that it takes almost no effort to begin to change it; just a willingness to put your toes in the water. Find something new to do this week. Here are a few ideas:

  • Go to a dance class. There are places in every city that have dance classes early in the evening for salsa, country western, or hip hop before the “real” dancing begins. Grab a friend and try one out.
  • Go someplace alone–a movie, out to dinner, wine tasting, the museum, or anything you want to do and don’t unless with friends or a partner. This was hard for me, but I have found I actually enjoy picking what I want to do and then doing it.
  • Join a meet up group and do something you enjoy but don’t normally do.
  • Sign up for a community college class in something you would like to know–a foreign language, a business class, or oil painting.

The key isn’t necessarily to go way outside your comfort zone to prove you can; but to start to do something new and enjoy the positive feelings you get by growing your world. Do something this week, then pick another next week until finally you will have created a habit of living life fully.

Building this willingness to explore and grow will improve every aspect of your life. You will find yourself saying yes in business and in your personal life to experiences that make your life much more rich and fulfilling.

At the end of the day it isn’t that we are alive that matters; what matters is that we are creating a life worth living–every day.

 

How Do You Feel About How You Spend Your Time Each Day?

The last few days I have squandered my time answering emails, doing small tasks, and basically avoiding some hard work that I don’t enjoy. How do I feel tonight? Tired, uninspired, and not much further along on those tasks I was avoiding.

Most days when I am working on things I love, my days end with a sense of purpose, accomplishment and enthusiasm.

This difference is important. You probably overlook it as you trudge through your obligations and to-to lists. Yet, what I realized tonight, is that how I feel about how I spend my time matters. Because I didn’t want to do what I was aimed at doing, I made the project take longer, depleted my energy available for other things, and wasted much of my day. Yet, when I am excited about what I am doing I get ten or even a hundred times more done than I did the last few days.

Do you experience this same time warp when you are doing things you love verses doing what you loath?

I think we all do. And if this is universally true, than how we feel about how we spend our days matters more than we realize. Maybe you should be placing a great deal more attention on ensuring you spend your days in ways that energize you. With energy, you can accomplish much and without it you accomplish almost nothing.

Am I saying just don’t do things you don’t like? Well, as appealing as that might be—no that is not what I am saying. What I do suggest is that you start your day in ways that invigorate you and keep the things that pull you down to a minimum or at least scheduled for later in the day. That way you keep your day at high energy and can tackle the thing you don’t like with the vitality you created, rather than letting the action you dislike diminish your energy so you cannot complete most of the simplest tasks you had planned.

How do you feel about how you spend your time most days?

If your answer is not positive, then take time this weekend to create a new plan for how you spend each day this coming week. Add in more of what inspires you. Find creative ways to accomplish the things needed that you don’t enjoy.

  • Is there someone you know who does enjoy those things you can get to help you?
  • Maybe you can use the money you currently spend on vanilla lattes to pay someone once a week to do it?
  • Can you hire a neighbor’s teenager to help?
  • Maybe you could create a learning experience for a local college intern and get the job done for free?

Think outside the box, rather than stay boxed in a life of drudgery. 

3 Easy Steps to Move From Powerless to Empowered

So many of us are frustrated with the status quo, yet feel powerless to change things—whether about our personal work life, or more global issues of politics, gender equality, or climate change.

That is what makes March’s Interview with Influential Women and Amy Cross so powerful—she is actually giving us tools to directly influence how companies act on women’s issues. Her company, BuyUp, tracks and indexes consumer companies based on how they stack up on topics that removes gender bias from the work place, and then BuyUp provides you and I this data in an easy to use app.

In fact, if I could find a quality that has been universal in my Influential Women guests it has been this unwillingness to accept things as they are and a dogged determination to find creative ways to make a change. None of these women had life handed to them on a silver spoon; and every one of them is making a difference in their own lives and those of others.

When you are faced with a situation that you do not like, what is your normal reaction?

Most people mainly become irritated, complain to the source, or tell others about what is wrong. I do it, too, sometimes. What I am continually reminded of though when I do these is how little affect they have on making the situation better.

I have decided to challenge myself over the next month whenever I catch myself complaining to do one of three things.

  1. Widen back and try to see the situation in a new light that will change my perspective of it as a problem.
  2. Recognize this is not a situation I cannot change and either accept it or remove myself from it.
  3. Write down at least three things I can do to improve the situation; then do them.

By doing these three things you will be taking back the power over frustrating situations rather than allowing yourself to feel at the affect of the outer world. Let’s face it, we all encounter things in our daily life that are not worth the energy we give them when we get upset.

For those few things in your life that need your attention you will now be taking concrete actions to improve them, opening the door to new possibilities.

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.

Eckhart Tolle – Author

Once you are in the habit of seeing life through this type of lens you will be more likely to create your own BuyUp idea and not only make the world a better place, but possibly find your own million dollar idea in the process.

Look for solutions. Be creative. Think BIG!