Category Archives: Personal Leadership

No. It’s a Complete Sentence!

I learned that “No” is a complete sentence from Ann Moore past CEO and Chairwoman of Time, Inc. It is a brilliant piece of advice that I suggest you use as a mantra.

This is an important lesson, especially for women, as we tend to say yes to everyone and everything–except ourselves or justify and apologize for not doing more. You probably do many things each week that you really don’t want to do, rather than saying no.

A recent article in Fast Company, by Stephanie Vozza, has a few good ideas to help you build your ability to say no when you mean it, rather than say yes because it’s easier. However, many of her suggestions start to justify your no; and in the long run it is more powerful if you can learn to “just say no!”

Why justifying your answer disempowers you.

Years ago in a teenage-parenting class I learned that by giving my teenagers reasons for my decisions–something I thought helped my children learn–I was actually giving my kids something to argue with. Although it seemed counterintuitive to my parenting style, I started to see that the more I justified my decisions the more we argued about them; eventually I stopped giving reasons.

Once you open the door to someone evaluating your choice you have changed the dynamics of the conversation. Every sales rep knows that no does not mean NO–as long as they can learn why. Early in my career I trained new sales reps to patiently wait after someone said no for their reasons. Most people feel bad saying no and will quickly give you their reason why. This always gives a sales rep the ability to “overcome the objection.’ It is the same reason you probably dislike used car sales people–they know this tactic all too well.

Respectfully declining is an art.

One thing I loved about Stephanie’s article was her emphasis on finding ways to demonstrate respect for the person asking, even while declining their request. When people feel dismissed it creates resentment. When they feel their needs are heard they are more likely to respect your “no.” Some easy phrases include:

Thank you for thinking of me, …
I am honored you are including me…
That sounds like an amazing opportunity, but….
I would enjoy that at a different time…
That sounds really important to you but it conflicts with things I already am committed to.

Don’t leave the door open if you really don’t want to be asked again.

You may find it easier to say things like, “Maybe next time,” or “I would really like to but..,” or even “Let me think about it.” These phrases may soften the blow of your ‘no’ today; but overtime they will cause discord between you and the other person if you really have no intention of saying ‘yes’ later. Putting off the inevitable actually leaves the other party hanging and repeated hearing ‘no’ starts to create resentment.

Having four children meant the limits of time alone meant I couldn’t say yes to everything they all asked for–even when the requests were for things I thought were fun or “good”–but I wanted desperately to do as much as I could so I often said maybe. And when the requests were for things my children felt passionate about even if I didn’t like the idea I always attempted to see their point of view, rather than quickly say no. Later in life, one of my children told me it would have been easier on her if I had just said no and stuck with it. My lack of decisiveness actually was harder for her than if she knew she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I think the same is true for adults. People want to know where they stand and saying no when you mean it is actually the kinder thing to do.

Try making, “No is a complete sentence,” your mantra or affirmation for a month.

You will be amazed at how much it simplifies your life and actually allows you to experience more joy when your days and weeks are no longer full of things you really did not want to do!

Lessons from Independence Celebrations

Last week, Canada and the United States celebrated their independence. Soon, the French will celebrate Bastille Day. Is there anything to be learned (not just celebrated) from the French and American revolutions or Canada’s move to independence without war that we can apply in our individual lives today?

I found something incredibly important this year that can change your life, just like the French and American Revolutions changed history.

I have always loved the fireworks, barbecues, and gatherings of family and friends on the 4th of July. If I am honest, I have spent very little time thinking about American history since leaving high school (Independence Day being one of the few reminders of my privileges of wise people from times past). So I was surprised on July 4th when I picked up my copy of Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich only to be reading a passage about the founding of the United States. If I had remembered this passage was in the book from prior readings, I still would not have been able to find it easily. Yet, here on Independence Day this was the spot in the book I was at.

Hill points out the the real point in history to celebrate was not the winning of the war, or even the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776. He points out the many prior decisions that allowed independence to be won. The keys Hill claims are moments that go unnoticed. Each small, seemingly insignificant decision leading up to July 4th were the real factors in winning independence — like Henry Lee, Samuel Adams and John Hancock starting a Correspondence Committee with the other colonies. Does anyone remember that?

It is our DECISIONS, not the actions that follow them, that determine our fate.

Every time I make a decision in my own life, I know things start to move much more quickly, and the actions I need to take seem easier. But in those times when I vacillate and wait, it only gets harder and harder to act. Do you find that true, too?

By nature, I don’t like to be wrong — no one does, but I take failure as an indicator of my worth. So making decisions has been something I have had to struggle with and grow in my capacity to do; not something that came easy. Ironically, I can make business decisions easy because I feel confident in that arena; but personal decisions affect my relationships, which I have always held sacred and unconsciously feared losing.

Take a moment to reflect on your own decision making muscle — how strong or weak is it? Are you better at making some decisions than others? Are there recurring issues in your life you have been unable to take action on?

Taking this back to Independence Day, you can see that NOTHING important can happen without a decision. If your life feels somewhat numb, or your dreams remain wishes year after year — I suggest you determine if it is your lack of making a decision that is the true culprit, not circumstances, holding you back.

Making decisions can be the scariest thing we do. What if something goes wrong? What if it doesn’t go the way I hope? What if others don’t like my decision? What if I make the wrong choice and miss out on something wonderful? What if…

Decisions can be the scariest thing we do — until we make the decision. Then, decisions become the most liberating thing we can do.

Each decision frees us to start taking action on a determined path, rather than remaining dis-empowered and waiting for something outside to happen. Decisions start to open doors and serendipitously bring people and events into our life to make things happen; but only after we decide.

Is there a decision you have been avoiding? Maybe this July as multiple countries of people are celebrating freedom it is time to use that energy to support you making a decision and experiencing the freedom that comes from definite decisions.

How do you know what brands to choose?

You want to buy from companies that support your values, right? But, have you wondered HOW you can investigate these companies, and the brands you buy from — without spending your entire day researching them?

Gender social activism meets consumerism!

Now there is an app for that! Buy Up Index rates consumer brands on key areas of interest to women (and probably many men, too).

They do the research, you direct your dollars to companies that score high on qualities like these:

Dedication to women’s leadership (exceeding current benchmarks in C-suite, boards, and management)
Working environment (factors like maternity/paternity leave, childcare and flextime)
Corporate citizenship (supporting women based causes)
Marketing tactics (things like the portrayal of gender roles and use of women’s bodies to sell products unrelated to women or their bodies)

Buy Up Index looks ranks corporations based on a concrete set of metrics and only those companies that make an “A” ranking are allowed to promote to those of us using the app. You can read more about their methodology on their website.

I have been pestering you for a while now to use your purchasing muscle to change the game. Buy Up Index has just made my admonition a whole lot easier. I love this quote by Anita Roddick, Founder of The Body Shop:

“Consumers have not been told effectively enough that they have huge power and that purchasing and shopping involves a moral choice.”

What moral choices can you make today that will make tomorrow better, for our daughters and for everyone?

Got Stress?

Do you feel stressed? Frequently?

I often walk a tight-rope between enthusiasm for something that keeps me working until late at night and feeling stressed and overloaded. Do you? We all know stress is not good for us, yet as a culture we seem almost addicted to it.

Here are some reasons you should care, and take action to reduce the stress levels in your life:

Regardless of the type or size of the stress, each time you experience it (for most of us this is multiple times per day) your body has some 1,400 biochemical events. Unchecked, this causes premature aging, impairs of cognitive function, drains our energy — basically it reduces our effectiveness and clarity.
Stress causes “cortical inhibition” which is the term brain researchers used to say it makes smart people do dumb things!
People become numb to stress and then it becomes the new normal. Unfortunately, just because you are not noticing it, stress is still wreaking havoc in your brain and body. Even small stresses accumulate stress hormones in the body unless we take active steps to remove them. Unobserved stress can show up as over-reacting to life events, which if you continue to ignore can end up in really poor decisions and even an unwanted health issue.
The American Medical Association notes that over 60% of ALL human illness and disease are caused by stress!

Notice: I did not start this list saying you should remove things in your life that cause stress, but that it is important to reduce your stress level?

That means our reaction to events is more important than the events. Your goal is to increase your ability to handle stressful events and quickly return to a state of calm.

At the Voice and Exit conference I went to recently, there were a number of talks about stress, it’s opposite – flow, and how we can become more effective. I also tested some fun products that help you relax.

Here is what I learned:

Breathing is top of every list.

Even the gadgets you can buy end up teaching you to breath deeper and more rhythmically. Try this every morning before getting out of bed and each evening before sleep. Then, use it during the day to reduce your stress levels and increase your brain power. Breathe in for five or more counts and then out for the same. Do this for at least two minutes while counting your breaths.

Real and imagined threats both create the same biochemical chain of events in your body.

I know we have all heard this, but it warrants repeating.

Our thoughts influence our level of stress as much or more than our outer circumstances.

If we are ruminating over what happened yesterday, last week, or last year again and again, we are triggering our body to go into fight or flight each time. This means noticing what goes on between our ears and taking control of it.

Deal with each stressful event when it arises; don’t hold on to it.

Easier said than done, but the amount of time wasted thinking about problems rather than acting on them could be as much as 25 to 50% of your day. Think of all the time you could free up — which would also decrease your stress levels — if you were not taking up so much space in your life this way.

Support yourself reducing stress with activities and tools that work for you.

Here are a few of my favorite stress busters I use:

Exercise, exercise, exercise. We hear it and yet so many of us still do not do it regularly. I know I often let this go faster than anything in times of pressure. My favorite ways to keep it in my routine are to take a 30 minute walk between projects or at the end of my day. Gardening. I love having my hands in the dirt, being around plants AND true confession — it fulfills my need to get something done, rather than just “take care of myself.” The issue is not what you do; but that you do it. Five minutes on a trampoline, or downward dog yoga position, or jumping jacks will help reset your hormone meter.
Sing out loud. You can do it when you are alone. Put the music on high and sing your heart out. Or do it in the shower. There is something cathartic about connecting our emotions with our voice in song.
Dance. Although this could be in the exercise list, dancing has an emotional component for me that takes it to a whole new level. I can dance by myself to my playlist, dance with my kids around the living room or go out dancing — and each time I feel something move in me. If you haven’t danced since you were a young adult or teenager, then I highly recommend you find some private time to reconnect with your body. It is great!
Joy. Dancing brings me joy which is why it is high on my list. But really all things that bring you into a state of joy work to lower cortisol and other stress hormones. Playing with your puppy, wrestling with your child, painting can all do the trick…what brings you joy?
Meditation. For those of you who meditate, you know how blessed this can be. For those of you who haven’t tried it, this is your invitation. Most people avoid meditation because they believe they cannot quiet their mind. But that is not your objective. Your goal is to notice when your mind has hijacked you into some story and gently return to your objective of calmness. Over time, your mind becomes the servant it is meant to be, and you become the master. Right now, it may be driving you around, instead of the other way around.
Get more sleep. This is hard for me because I think of myself as a night-owl and enjoy the work I get done when the house goes silent. However, the more I play with earlier sleep routines the more I am realizing what a great impact it has on my attitude and my effectiveness. I am converted!

I will follow up with a review of the products I tested at Voice and Exit soon and let you know what works.

Until then, notice how stressed you are — become observant, and then start to take action.

6 Ways to Answer “What can I do to make a difference?”

It’s easy to look around and feel that there is little you can do to make a difference, and affect real change. There are so many BIG issues I am passionate about; but it’s easy to wonder what I can possibly do to make a difference. Do you feel that way too?

Yet, every day in small, unobservable ways we are making a difference — either in support of our beliefs or often in direct opposition to the things we care about.

How we spend money, where we spend money, and what we invest in are all ways of voting for the causes we hold dear. Sometimes they actually are even more powerful than our votes during election time.

Here are just a few ways you could make a difference in your daily choices:

Buy local food where possible from farmer’s markets and CSA’s (Community Supported Agriculture). It will improve the lives of real people growing our food rather than factory farms that not only have poor practices that may be hurting your health but also often unfair treatment of the people doing the work at these farms and factories.
Buy clothing and accessories from companies that ethically source their products and commit to not using abusive practices or child labor to create your fashion. More and more options abound for these choices through companies like Etsy who creates a market for independent artisans and Raven & Lily who create stellar designs for women in 3rd world countries to produce and then bring these women’s efforts to our market for us to buy.
Look for and support emerging entrepreneurial companies in your community or online at places like The Grommet where new consumer ideas have a chance to be seen and supported by average people, rather than letting large retailers decide what you have to choose from.
Move your investments from companies and funds that have money in things you do not approve of to things you are passionate about — healthy food supply, energy resources, child labor, environmental issues, education, or anything you deem critical to future generations.
Ask about and investigate the companies that you do the most business with, rather than assume they value the same things you do.
Look for ways to find solutions that improve your contribution to the world that do not break your bank or your back by thinking outside the box. When my first child was born, I was appalled by the amount of diapers going into our landfills. But I was a corporate executive with no time and no inclination to wash cloth diapers. Then, a friend gave me a present of one month of diaper service. I did not even know something like that existed. But once I started using them, I was hooked. It was clean, easy and no more expensive than the mountains of paper diapers I might have thrown in my trash over his baby years. When my third child was a baby we lived in the Dominican Republic. A box of 5 paper diapers cost about the same as a box of 100 stateside and the local women actually showed me that cleaning diapers was really not as hard as I had come to believe in my modern western civilized life. When I returned home, I returned to my diaper service – -but no longer out of fear that cleaning diapers was as bad as I imagined. It was a choice, and it was available.

What things might you be unaware of that could change your actions to be more aligned with your beliefs? Western women spend 85% of the purchasing dollars. What message are you sending with the dollars you spend?

Professional Obligations Don’t Have to Damper Summer Fun

Hello again! The tones of summer are alive in my life. Graduations. Picnics. The great outdoors. And invites to poolside parties.

Does summer change your schedule? Your mood? Your focus?

Summer can be a time of fun and frolic with family and friends. It can also just put more pressure on your professional obligations as you try to juggle kids out of school, family vacations, and other activities.

A quick way to help you enjoy the splashing spontaneity of summer while not feeling stressed is to make sure YOU decide what things you really want to participate in and what things are less important to you.

Take a few minutes and remember what types of activities really make you happy. Choose to say “yes” to those and “no” to others. Get ahead of the game and create the types of activities you love, rather than be bounced around by what comes your way.

The other thing you might consider is to commit some of your summer to investing in yourself. Use those long daylight hours to spend time studying something that will move your life forward in the direction you desire.

Each season brings with it wonderful ways to experience life. I hope you find things that enliven you this summer.

Your Solution Resides Outside the Box

Every once in awhile I find something that reminds me that there are solutions to problems all around — once we think outside the box.

PBS did an article on a nursing home in Netherlands that allows college students free apartments in exchange for 30 hours a month volunteering. The students do things like watch sports with the seniors, visit them if they are ill, and generally be good citizens.

How remarkable is that?

There are so many ways we could improve our lives by integrating needs this way! Seems like all colleges should be looking into offering this. The students will get as much or more out of it than the seniors, and the seniors lives will be immeasurably enhanced by young people in their midst. Heck, you could even do this in reverse and locate day care centers near senior citizen homes and have those still mentally and physically agile be playground monitors and nap time story readers! Imagine the spark of life the seniors would gain and the increase in adult to child ratio the children would have!

What problems do you have in your life? Are there opportunities for you to think outside the box to find a solution?

Patience is my Challenge

I am not by nature a patient person.

After my second child was born, I remember visiting my high school best friend with my five- and one-year old. As we were saying goodbye after a fun day together for the first time in years, she leaned over and said, “You have really changed. I do not remember you being this patient!”

Having children taught me many things; patience one of them. It’s always a choice: I could be rushed & frustrated or patient & happy. I choose patience with my kids.

Yet, I still feel impatient in many facets of my life. I want my big ideas to take flight immediately. I want my employees to take on new tasks with speed and enthusiasm. I want each goal in my life to manifest as soon as I set it.

Bob Proctor sends out daily quotes, and I enjoy reading them in my inbox each day. They give me pause to ponder ideas from great minds. This one really got me agitated.

“Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience”. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

After reading this quote, I recognize my impatience may be one of my biggest stumbling blocks to realizing my dreams to their fullest. Even though my commitment and enthusiasm around my goals are important, my impatience is actually blocking the good I desire, and I never quite saw it before.

Although I coach women on business, much of what sets the groundwork for anyone’s success is a sizzling goal and belief you can achieve it — even if you do not know how.

Without that in place all my help with the how is like chasing your tail — lots of energy spent and motion happening but little to show for it.

Today, I got the ah-ha that when I set my goals, yet am impatient for their achievement. I am actually putting out energy that I don’t really believe they will happen — at least not as fast as I desire. That is inadvertently sabotaging my affirmations just like a lack of belief in myself or in my goal would do. It is a subtle sabotage but a sabotage just the same.

In fact, most of the ways we derail our dreams are not obvious. If they were, it would be so much easier for us to correct our mistakes. But they disguise themselves in things like enthusiasm and commitment, when they are actually impatience.

Are you patient like nature? It’s what grows towering redwoods and magestic cypress trees over hundreds of years. I choose to develop patience to a new level of calm, enthusiastic belief. I will let you know how I do.

Do Affirmations Frustrate You?

For many years I was extremely frustrated by all the buzz about the Law of Attraction and doing affirmations. All these people were raving it worked, but I was not seeing results in my life or in those around me also trying to use positive thinking to change their circumstances.

Then someone suggested I start to say, “What would it take for….?” Rather than, “I am…” You might want to try it. It was just the solution I needed.

My cynical truth meter does not go into high gear when I say, “What would it take for me to be healthy, strong and flexible?” It does goes into overdrive when I try to affirm, “I am healthy, strong and flexible,” when I’m recovering from a serious illness and have lost my strength. I would experience streams of doubts in my head that negated any benefit from the affirmation.

But now, when I ask “what would it take”, I have opened my mind to find solutions rather than argue with me.

Noah St. John recently wrote an article about this very thing. He uses, “Why am I healthy, flexible and strong?” The key is asking a question.

These are two very powerful ways to make affirmations work for you and remove the frustration you might be feeling if they haven’t worked.

What will it take ……?
Why am I…?

Maybe you have some variations of your own. I would love to hear them!

To the Graduating Women of 2015

Graduating women of 2015, congratulations! You have achieved your goal and are about to embark upon the next journey of your life.

You may receive advice from parents, friends, and other well meaning people on what job to take, where to live, or any other significant decision you are making as you leave the container of college. Yet, no matter what path you choose there are some things that can help you on your way.

Believe in your capacity to do great things. Maybe you are naive, idealistic, and impractical. Good. Stay that way as long as you can. Thinking outside the box is the only way new and wonderful things have come to humans, so let yourself believe — regardless of what others say. As a serial entrepreneur, I have found believing in myself the most important thing I have done to create opportunities and succeed.
Know you will probably encounter gender bias at work and in life. It is still an unfortunate reality. However, more important is to remove any internal gender bias you might have that will hold you back from shining. Two ways young women do this are either to retract into sweet, non-assertive mannerisms to avoid offending the men in power over them, or to over masculate their mannerisms–hiding their feminine nature. Neither work and both will leave you in a one down position. Be yourself. Bring your feminine and masculine strengths to your life. And speak up for yourself with the expectation you will be heard, not with the expectation you will have to fight for your rights. Stay alert to your own subconscious gender bias lest it sabotage your success before you even start or creep in slowly without warning. Other people cannot hold you back if you are enthusiastic and believe in yourself.
Find women you admire and connect with them. Having strong women in your circle will help you in ways you cannot imagine, until it happens.
Take a leap of faith and do what your heart is calling you to do. You are not commiting for a lifetime, so let go of the fear this has to be “the right” choice. When you follow your heart, and not your head, you will avoid spending decades in dead end jobs that seemed responsible. Plus, you will have spent your energy pursuing what excites you and there is no telling today what great things will come out of that tomorrow. To bring your innate gifts to the world, you have to pursue what you are passionate about. The world needs your passion and creativity, not some mindless motion of another cog in the wheel.

PART OF INFLUENTIAL WOMEN, INC.

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