Category Archives: Success

Afraid of Starting Over?

Do you sometimes think that if you completely change the direction of your life that everything you have done thus far has been a waste of energy? Maybe you spent many years studying to do what you do, or building your resume for the trajectory you’re on. The internal chatter can be overwhelming when you consider big change.

Yet, is there still a nagging voice that you are not living to your potential? Do you know in the pit of your stomach that you have so much more to give than what you are doing?

You are not alone. This is exactly where many women today are—discouraged or even numb at where they are; yet, paralyzed by the idea of starting over.

What if it wasn’t about starting over? Because it isn’t. You actually can’t start over—there is no rewind button in life. And thank God, because everything thus far has made you the perfect person to do whatever it is that your heart is longing for you to manifest!

Your job now is to take all you have accomplished, everything you failed at, each of the varied experiences you lived, anything you have dreamed, your intuition, each relationship, and your unique skills to create what comes next. The key is you have to push the start button and begin. If you don’t, you will be having these same conversations in your head next month, next year, maybe even ten years from now.

Let go of the “what if only” stories about what you could have or should have done, and release the thoughts that any of the past will be wasted if you change directions. Instead of letting the chatter in your brain rule, trust your heart and listen to what would make you really happy doing.

Rumi said,

“What you seek is seeking you!”

And Napoleon Hill said that all, not some but all, of the successful people he studied had a BURNING DESIRE for something and that desire is what made them successful—not their resume, credentials, intelligence, contacts or any other factor! They took action on their dreams and you can, too!

So go ahead. Take a leap of faith in yourself and create the life you desire!

 

 

Why Are More Women Unhappy; While We Have More Economic Power?

While we have a long way to gender equality worldwide, we have changed the playing field significantly in many areas of modern western culture. Women are stepping into power financially, politically, academically and every other way in big and bold ways. Opportunity for the western woman to make a difference in her own life, that of her family, and her community are real and available–although not without encountering obstacles still.

With all this opportunity, western women are actually some of the most unhappy of modern times.

Claire Zammit calls it a power paradox–having more opportunity and achievement, yet feeling anxious, depressed and about how to step into the opportunity.

She quotes these U.S. statistics which may actually be pervasive globally:

  • 1 in 5 women are on anti-depressants.
  • 6 out of 10 women are experiencing financial stress that disrupts their ability to sleep at night.
  • More women than ever are starting new businesses; however 95% never break $1million in revenue.
  • 50% of women live alone without a life partner.

Do you experience this sense of potential in yourself but feel somehow an inability to manifest it?

Claire teaches in her Feminine Power course something I have been talking about for years. Only when we actually embody our feminine and create strength from there–not in spite of it or overcoming being a woman–will we create the type of success that is fulfilling.

My early success in business was more about being a good man than bringing my unique strengths to my job. At that time, it was assumed women had no place in that world–other than in support roles. The only way I saw to break into that masculine world of power required proving I could hold my own with “the boys.” I even wore pinstripe suits and little bow ties that matched the pattern of men’s ties.

Although I climbed the corporate ladder and then became a highly successful entrepreneur, I always felt empty soon after the latest accolade faded. My power, too, felt empty because it wasn’t directed at anything that mattered to me personally.

Today, I have changed what I do to embody more of me, and there is a worldwide trend creating opportunity for every woman. It is this potential to cultivate your feminine strength and create power and influence by pursuing things that matter to you, you as a woman. You can create businesses that not only make money but also help those who work for you, your community, and the planet.

Women and young people are placing a priority on buying from companies who are making a difference and a profit–together they represent over 85% of consumer purchases. Impact investing is becoming a buzz word in the investment world and companies like take care of their employees like Google are the envy of Wall Street.

Your task is to:

  • No longer fear showing your feminine side while discussing money or business, and
  • More importantly to become reacquainted with yourself–your hopes, dreams, fears, and strengths.
  • Start to show up more authentically as your full self.
  • Understand that relationship matters–not just at home but in all your spheres of life.
  • Find your own unique calling; what makes you happy when you do it.

Rather than play small to keep others comfortable or show force bravado to avoid appearing weak, find your own internal feminine strength–whatever that means to you.

Ask yourself, “At the end of your life, what difference will you like to have made on the world?” Then start moving in that direction. You will never know the lives you will touch, until you try!

 

 

No. It’s a Complete Sentence!

I learned that “No” is a complete sentence from Ann Moore past CEO and Chairwoman of Time, Inc. It is a brilliant piece of advice that I suggest you use as a mantra.

This is an important lesson, especially for women, as we tend to say yes to everyone and everything–except ourselves or justify and apologize for not doing more. You probably do many things each week that you really don’t want to do, rather than saying no.

A recent article in Fast Company, by Stephanie Vozza, has a few good ideas to help you build your ability to say no when you mean it, rather than say yes because it’s easier. However, many of her suggestions start to justify your no; and in the long run it is more powerful if you can learn to “just say no!”

Why justifying your answer disempowers you.

Years ago in a teenage-parenting class I learned that by giving my teenagers reasons for my decisions–something I thought helped my children learn–I was actually giving my kids something to argue with. Although it seemed counterintuitive to my parenting style, I started to see that the more I justified my decisions the more we argued about them; eventually I stopped giving reasons.

Once you open the door to someone evaluating your choice you have changed the dynamics of the conversation. Every sales rep knows that no does not mean NO–as long as they can learn why. Early in my career I trained new sales reps to patiently wait after someone said no for their reasons. Most people feel bad saying no and will quickly give you their reason why. This always gives a sales rep the ability to “overcome the objection.’ It is the same reason you probably dislike used car sales people–they know this tactic all too well.

Respectfully declining is an art.

One thing I loved about Stephanie’s article was her emphasis on finding ways to demonstrate respect for the person asking, even while declining their request. When people feel dismissed it creates resentment. When they feel their needs are heard they are more likely to respect your “no.” Some easy phrases include:

  • Thank you for thinking of me, …
  • I am honored you are including me…
  • That sounds like an amazing opportunity, but….
  • I would enjoy that at a different time…
  • That sounds really important to you but it conflicts with things I already am committed to.

Don’t leave the door open if you really don’t want to be asked again.

You may find it easier to say things like, “Maybe next time,” or “I would really like to but..,” or even “Let me think about it.” These phrases may soften the blow of your ‘no’ today; but overtime they will cause discord between you and the other person if you really have no intention of saying ‘yes’ later. Putting off the inevitable actually leaves the other party hanging and repeated hearing ‘no’ starts to create resentment.

Having four children meant the limits of time alone meant I couldn’t say yes to everything they all asked for–even when the requests were for things I thought were fun or “good”–but I wanted desperately to do as much as I could so I often said maybe. And when the requests were for things my children felt passionate about even if I didn’t like the idea I always attempted to see their point of view, rather than quickly say no. Later in life, one of my children told me it would have been easier on her if I had just said no and stuck with it. My lack of decisiveness actually was harder for her than if she knew she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I think the same is true for adults. People want to know where they stand and saying no when you mean it is actually the kinder thing to do.

Try making, “No is a complete sentence,” your mantra or affirmation for a month.

You will be amazed at how much it simplifies your life and actually allows you to experience more joy when your days and weeks are no longer full of things you really did not want to do!

 

 

 

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

How many times were you asked this as a young child? As an adult you may have actually wondered if you would every really grow up and know what you really wanted to be?

While no one really cared how you answered this question when you were little, as you got older you were given an idea from subtle and no so subtle suggestions that you must choose one goal or “purpose.”

The irony of this cultural pressure is that I have yet to meet anyone who truly has had one destiny or purpose. In fact, what makes people interesting is their multifaceted past. What creates genius is your ability to see things from various perspectives to find the keys to a new solution–something that comes with a varied experience.

How many people can you name who are still doing what they studied in college?

Sometimes doing what you love changes. You change. Circumstances change. Technology inserts new ways of doing things. Opportunities arise that if you are wise you capture–not because it was your goal since you were five and people asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up or it was your college major–but because the opportunity ignites your imagination and enthusiasm.

We have traveled down the road of specializing to such a degree that it is hard to change paths once you have invested so much energy in one direction. We have forgotten how important it is to be able to have a general perspective before you can drill deep. Henry Ford is often quoted as saying he did not need to know everything because he could hire people who specialized in those areas. Similarly, Andrew Carnegie, at one time the richest man in the world, surrounded himself by people who understood the steel industry much better than he did–even though he made his fortune in steel.

The people at the top of any field are not experts in everything needed for their success.

  • The orchestra conductor cannot play every instrument in the symphony.
  • The CEO is not an expert at marketing, manufacturing and finance.
  • The school principal is not an expert in each subject taught at her school.
  • The heart surgeon does not administer the anesthesia.

Maybe when our life expectancy was around 30 years of age it made sense to do one thing and do it well. But you will most likely live three times that age, so why limit yourself to doing the same thing your whole life through?

If you are a person who has many interests, rather than let culture pressure make you feel flighty and ungrounded, remind yourself that you are actually ahead of the rest of society who painfully try to find things that will inspire them. Many people in life have dulled their curiosity and ability to explore new things. If you have changed courses multiple times than you have probably honed and cultivated a spirit of learning that will serve you throughout life. Other skills you have gained are:

  • Comfort in uncertainty.
  • Skills that transfer across sectors like being able to inspire others, organization, or others.
  • Seeing multiple perspectives, creating solutions otherwise missed.
  • Ability to learn new things.
  • Adaptability which is key in our rapidly changing world.

The next time someone belittles your changing careers or ending one passion for another, remember…

By feeding your curiosity and willingness to change you are building your genius and becoming the person you were meant to be–when you grow up!

 

How Can You Become More Lucky?

Do you look at people who are lucky and wonder what they do or have that you do not?

According to James Austin, chance combined with creativity is the equation you need in order to fill your life with more serendipitous events. This equation does not necessarily give you enough information on how to create more serendipitous events in your life.

Chance or luck definitely plays a part in creating these moments of pure genius. However, luck alone would leave your to very minimal odds of getting that stroke of luck you desire. And because serendipity requires a bit of trust in life and going with what is presented, it can make you feel a little out of control–which few of us like to feel.

Are there specific things you can do to increase the serendipity and luck in your life?

The good news is, yes, you can influence how “lucky” you are. Here are some of the key things I have found impact your ability to create a charmed life.

  • Listen! Everyone gets those nudges, hunches, and ideas; but do you follow them? Instead, you probably let your rational mind convince you the idea is silly or unrealistic. The people who tend to be lucky more of the time, listen to these crazy nudges.
  • Connect, connect, connect! The more people you meet the more opportunities you will find. It is really a matter of numbers. Put yourself in situations more often where you might meet the right person or learn something that puts your dreams in motion.
  • Share and be vulnerable! If you are like most people, you hold your ideas close to your heart and rarely let others know what you are dreaming. This can be useful to avoid ridicule from friends or family who might belittle your aspirations; but if you do not share your passion with others you cannot find the people who will help you turn your dreams into reality. Take a risk!
  • Keep learning! The more you invest in learning about your interest the more likely you will learn about the key people and things that can move you forward.
  • Believe your idea will take flight! The last, but perhaps most important element of creating serendipity in you life is believing what you desire to happen will in fact happen. Imagine it is like knowing a certain show is on TV but you do not know which station, or a specific movie is in theaters but you don’t know which one. You would never question the existence of the television show or the movie; you would just search until you found it. Having that kind of belief in your own dreams allows you to be open to the flow of magic called serendipity. When you are trying to force things or doubting they will happen you will miss the cues from life that tell you which channel to tune into.

Your Oscar Winning Performance

You might wonder what the Oscars and your success have in common?

Oscar night always generates so much excitement–even for people like me who don’t see most of the movies nominated, it is still fun to watch the show or read the headlines of who won. Whether it is the glamour, the fantasy, or the fame, acting and those who do it well seem to grab our attention.

The skill of the best actresses (or actors) and their directors is to make us believe something is real, even when it isn’t, and–believe it or not–it is the same skill that determines whether affirmations work for you. Yep, the thing missing from your happiness is probably your inability to pretend things that haven’t come to fruition yet–are real!

You may have tried affirmations and given up on them because they didn’t work–writing them off as one more failed technique. But the harsh reality is affirmation do work, if you can convince yourself to believe they are true.

You probably deliver affirmations with an internal critic adding, “Yeah, right!” or “Here are all the facts that show this isn’t true.” The inner voice is more believable than the affirmation, and so it wins the Oscar award for your life.

A few years ago one of my mentors, Bob Proctor, gave me a book called The Art of Acting by Stella Adler. It seemed a strange book to give a businesswoman and spiritual seeker who had no interest in acting. Yet, a short way into the book I recognized it was my missing ingredient in making affirmations work for me. Stella taught her acting students, like Marlon Brando, how to make their characters come to life by having them study the intricate details that make up a scene and rarely focused on delivering lines. These are the same details that help you convince yourself that your affirmations are real, which is the key to affirmations working.

Based on Stella’s teachings, here are a four ways you can become the Best Actress in your own life and start to create the movie you choose to live rather than the one you don’t.

  1. Acting is doing. Stella never let actors rely on the lines, she told them their actions should come before the lines and make the lines believable. What would someone do if your affirmation were true? How would they walk? Sit? What would they be carrying? Fill your imagination with action that would arise from your affirmation being real.
  2. Imagine your affirmed circumstance in detail. Stella told students they couldn’t have dinner on a stage. They had to transform the stage into the circumstance of having dinner in their mind even if the props and circumstances were not on the stage. She would have her students first imagine the details of the dinner. Is it in a home or a restaurant? Notice the placement and type of silverware, plates, and water glasses. Is wine served? Are there candles? What food is being served? Be very specific. Only when you have filled in all the details of this dinner or anything else in your mind, including whom else is there, can you affirm it with conviction.
  3. Study others who do or have what you want. Actors do not always have the life experience of the people they are portraying, so they study people who do to learn the nuances that make up that type of person. If you want to affirm you are wealthy, go where wealthy people are and watch them. Shop at stores they shop at and observe them while there. If you want to be in love, remember times you were in love and how it affected your body, your walk, your tone of voice and go watch couples interact. Then when you affirm these things you will be affirming them with the energy and details that make them feel real to your subconscious rather than as an idle wish. Stella said actors are undercover agents who must constantly spy on others!
  4. Know your justification for what you are affirming. An interesting exercise Stella made students do was to justify their actions. If they were drinking a glass of water on stage they needed an internal reason for it, even if it is not stated outright to the audience–reasons like taking vitamins, getting a bad taste out of their mouth, or gargling. But she would not accept the justification of “I’m thirsty.” Why? Because it was too obvious. If you want to affirm being wealthy your justification needs to extend well beyond because you want to be able to buy things–what kind of things, what will wealth change in your life, specifically.

The best way to become an amazing actress is to practice and study and the same is true for your affirmations to become believable so that they manifest.

Many people who teach affirmations tell you to aim big, and I agree.

But to learn the technique of belief and faith you need to practice from where you are to quiet the internal critic. Stella told her students they could not play a part bigger than them and their experiences. She sent them out to increase their experiences so they could increase the size of the parts they could play.

That is what I recommend you do. Affirm something small and study the intricacies of what it would look like to realize it. Then affirm it to yourself, looking in the mirror, while driving, before bed. Pick small things until you grow you muscle of imagination and detailed observation.

If you are depressed, affirming you are joyful may be beyond your ability to imagine.

But you could imagine and affirm that today is going to be better than yesterday. And then start to create how that scene would look. What small improvements could you believe? Once you get these bit parts right, you will be on your way to the Oscars!

Amy

Over 50 & Fabulous?

Are you over 50 (or heading towards it) and maybe fallen prey to our culture’s infatuation with youth? Do you believe the best of your life is behind you? Are you looking for and buying more and more “anti-aging” products–hoping for a miracle that will help you feel youthful again?

If any of that rings true then seeing what 60-year old Cindy Joseph is doing may surprise you!

Cindy just recently became a high paid fashion model. In fact, the surprise offer came the day she cut the last of her dyed hair off and became her natural silver-haired self! Her message is inspiring and I encourage you to read what she is doing and watch this video of her.  Even though the video is ultimately aimed at selling you her new makeup line, it is worth the watch as she discusses an attitude that can change your view of aging.

What’s her secrets?

  • Use less makeup, not more.
  • Let your hair go natural.
  • See yourself as beautiful, because you are.
  • Recreate yourself, rather than accept the cultural stereotype of getting old.

 

What Pain Are You Willing to Sustain?

We often ask, “What do I want,” but we rarely ask “What sacrifice am I willing to make,” or worse, “What pain do I want in my life?”

This last question posed by Mark Manson in his article in Quartz, really got me thinking.  We all sustain pain of various types when we have an important goal at stake. These can range from bodily aches as we train for a marathon, restraining our spending to save money to start a business, to emotional pain as we struggle to make a marriage work.

Mark’s question is important because you probably often say you want something, but are not committed to the struggle that is often required to get it. I know my list of wants will be whittled down using this question.

You can sift the chaff from the wheat pretty quickly if you stop agonizing over wishing for things you really aren’t willing to suffer to get.

Does this mean everything you want requires pain and suffering? Yes and no. Everything worth having will inspire you to heights you otherwise would not climb for other goals; yet, good things often come merely by believing you deserve them and being open to receiving.

There is another aspect of this question equally important to uncover–especially for women. Are there areas of your life in which you are repeatedly suffering, not for the good you hope to gain, but because you have grown numb to your suffering?

When I start a new business I never know if it will succeed–whether my efforts will result in the end goal I am aiming. Yet, I believe it is possible and also probable which is why I continue. When my children were young I agreed to emotional pain in my marriage because I believed our family was worth the struggle; I believed my then husband and I would work through our challenges and our relationship would be stronger for it.

At some point in my marriage I no longer believed things would ever be any different; but I stayed anyway. This is when my willingness to suffer became habitual, not something helping me achieve my goal but a pattern that actually held me from the happiness I desired.

You, too, might be suffering from a lack of discernment in your life between sacrifice that spawns fulfillment and the kind that thwarts your ability to succeed.

When you are stuck in the latter, less dynamic form of pain, you will actually be diminishing your success in all aspects of your life–not just the one where the suffering occurs.

Where and why do we suffer uselessly?

You might find this pattern of prolonged, fruitless suffering in a career that has long past made you enthusiastic to go to work, a relationship that holds on without bringing you joy, or even a home that does not feel rejuvenating. It could show up in endless dieting without ever feeling good in your body or endless budgeting that never improves your finances.

What causes us to maintain these states of pain beyond their usefulness? Primarily the fear of change. The problems we know are often more desirable the the unknown because at least we have a level of comfort in predictability. Yet those are the types of thoughts that make your life feel like the you are part of the walking dead.

Moving forward…

Once you identify any people, places, or circumstances in your life where you have allowed yourself to become numb to your suffering, then it is time to take action. Any action to challenge your deep seated patterns will inevitably bring up fear.  Yes, when you make the needed change it will create pain–the type of sacrifice required to create a life worth living!

You will feel the difference because this suffering will be in your face–not a dull ache you can ignore. It will be scary and exhilarating maybe all at the same time or you might experience massive  pendulum swings occurring every few days or even swinging wildly back and forth minute to minute. You may have to take risks and temporarily sacrifice things you enjoy to make the change.

Will you make the move?

That depends on your answer to the first question I started with, “What pain do you want in your life?” Do you want to live with the deadening pain you now know? Or, do you have a dream of something bigger, better and more fulfilling that allows you to actually want the pain you might encounter if its necessary to achieve your dream?

 

Regrets Keep You at the Train Wreck

Sometimes I find myself wishing I made other decisions or took other paths along the way to now. Do you have regrets, too?

Invariably this type of thinking strikes me when something has not gone as I had hoped–my marriage of 29 years falls apart, my mom gets diagnosed with cancer, I get sick from too much stress. And even the not so big moments of disappointment can hurl me into the endless loop of “What should I have done differently?” if I let them.

Although I know it is essential to evaluate our choices so we make better ones in the future, I usually am much more likely on a spiral of regret and discouragement when I find these voices taking the stage of my mind.

The question is not whether you will have thoughts of regret, you will. The solution is not to avoid disappointment, it comes–bidden or not. The answer lies in the path forward.

How do you navigate away from falling into an abyss of despair and personal condemnation when big things go wrong?

Common advice like “You have to recognize that it is all for the better,” or “You created it, so you can now create something better” all lack the needed understanding for how I feel in that moment. I may be able to see the truth in these attitudes later, but in the moment they dig me deeper into my dungeon of self-loathing for mistakes made.

What does work for me is making plans and taking action. Even when looking forward to the future seemed dismal because my family was “broken apart,” making plans that moved me out of limbo did help me stop the emotional bleeding. Sometimes that is the most important thing in a crisis; stop the hemorrhaging.

It’s better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.

~ Jacki Joyner-Kersee – Athlete

It’s a bit like being on a train going someplace when the conductor stops the train and tells you the train is no longer going to your destination. It really does not matter if the engine failed or it was a full on train wreck. You are in the station, your bags all around you, trying to make sense of your plans which have been irrevocably changed. That train is not moving, you are not getting a refund and there is no way to magically start over back at the beginning.

You can sit down and lament the situation. But until you get up and assess your options, buy another form of transportation, and start moving–you’re stuck. As soon as you start making plans your focus changes from the plans no longer happening to something new. It may not completely remove the sting of not getting to your original destination; however, it starts the process of healing.

This past December I moved across the country to start a new chapter of my life. I have been divorced for 5 years and it took me that long to get out of the train station with my bags all around me. Maybe I could not have done it sooner, maybe I could. But the movement has opened my energy and my possibilities.

If you have found yourself talking too often–to others or yourself–about what didn’t turn out the way you planned I recommend you change your focus to what steps you can take, make plans, and start moving.

You don’t have to make plans for what to do with the rest of your life. That may have been what kept me from moving forward–I thought I needed an answer for the long-term. You just need plans for what to do next. Then begin your new journey with that first step.

You will be glad you did.

 

Einstein’s Goal Setting Advice!

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.

Albert Einstein – 1879-1955, Theoretical Physicist

It is the time of year where most of us set goals, make promises to ourselves and others, and often feel guilty over unmet past resolutions.

This year I hope to encourage you to set BIG goals and help you achieve them! Einstein’s wisdom might hold the clue to move from idle wishing to your success.

One of the reasons we often feel unfulfilled is because we tie our happiness to our external world–people and things, rather than the achievement of worthy goals. Even a goal to loose weight, although seemingly about you, is often tied to how others will perceive you or treat you rather than how you will feel.

When our happiness is driven by our inner desires life becomes magical, work is rewarding and relationships are fulfilling.

Do you remember how great you felt when you accomplished something that felt really worthwhile?  How did it make you feel? When I achieve things that were a stretch, I feel strong, fulfilled and ready for more. That feeling is the real objective of setting goals; not the typical guilt ridden feeling New Years resolutions often create.

It isn’t that the people in our lives or things we want are not important; it’s that only when we are living our life from the inside-out can outside events and things actually be satisfying. Setting goals must start from your inner metric of happiness, not an outer objective. To set these types of objectives you’ll need to know what you really care about.

Answering the question, “What do I really want?” is one of the hardest things you may ever do.

You have probably not been conditioned to look inside and discover the answer to that question. More likely you were subtly, and not so subtly, taught that thinking of yourself is selfish and something to be avoided. Finding your answer may be the single most important thing you do this year. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you find your own answer to “What do I really want?”:

  • What brings joy to your heart?
  • What will get you up in the morning excited for the coming day?
  • Why do you want to do (fill in the blank)?
  • How do you want to contribute to the world?
  • What would you be willing to risk everything for?
  • What would be so important that the why for doing it is more important than all the obstacles and reasons to quit that you might encounter?
  • How will doing this make you feel? What will be the consequences of achieving this goal that are your deep “Why do I want this?” Sometimes your why is buried, don’t settle for your first answer. What will be different? Who will it help?

Knowing what you really want will be your grounding rod, your compass, your rudder. Answers to all other questions revolve around the answer to your inner most desire. If you leave this unknown to you, how will you craft your days, weeks, and years into a meaningful and fulfilled life?

Rather than rush into resolutions and goal setting, take some time early in the year to investigate what would really make you happy. I have some great techniques to creating goals that revolve around your inner passions in a FREE chapter from my upcoming book, Be A Female Millionaire.  Download it to help you delve into setting goals that make your life sing. Or if you really want to create a life of thriving, invest in yourself at the beginning of the year with my Wealth Development Program where I will help you identify great ideas and ways to make money doing what you love.