Category Archives: Success

A little help from my friends

Sometimes staying positive and upbeat gets difficult and there are days it can feel downright impossible. That’s when you turn to inspiration. You can boost your seratonin, your mood, and your energy by feeding your brain and your environment with things that make you feel good. Maybe for you it is:

Talking with good friends
A long, bubble bath
Going for a hike, or
Reading a good book

Three things that are scientifically proven to help our state of being are:

Getting out into nature; especially long walks with your gaze far in the distance.
Hugs and human contact.
Reading or listening to inspiring books or talks.

The latter can be found in your bookstore, on podcasts, or books on tape, as well as recordings of great seminars. Find a few favorites to use over and over again, as well as look for new information. Repition can ingrain the important ideas into your way of thinking that a fast, once-over reading can never do. And let’s face it, all of us have plenty of negative self-talk rattling around in our brain that can use replacing.

This fall the Texas Women’s Conference was again a powerhouse of ideas and inspiration. All the sessions are available by podcast, and there are still some free trainings that some of the speakers are providing.

Have fun listening to these and exploring the things that inspire you.

Taming Your Inner Critic

Have you noticed how often your inner critic sabatoges your relationships, your confidence, and your life?

Becoming aware of the subtle whispers she is putting in your thought process, not to mention the down right abusive yelling, all takes a willingness to listen. All too often you try to ignore and push these voices down in order to overcome them. However, like almost everything in life the more we ignore or deny it, the worse it gets.

Your inner critic causes you to react, rather than respond, to your environment more than you can imagine. She makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and incompetant. She compares you to others, points out your flaws and makes your entry into an important event much more difficult than necessary.

My inner critic not only criticizes me, she also starts to attack someone outside when their look on their face or tone of voice makes her feel criticized. Although the queen of criticizing me, she cannot stand to feel criticized and will put me on the defensive faster than I can blink, unless I am listening for her.

Stop and listen when you notice this inner dialogue, rather than allowing it to egg you into reactions you will later regret the affects of. Just pausing rather than reacting will give you the space you need to make conscious choices of how to handle a situation.

I love the advice of Dorie Clark and Susan Brady around the inner critic. They say to listen with compassion and curiosity because awareness is the first step to changing a behavor. They also state that studies show people who practice self-compassion are happier, more optimistic, less anxious and less depressed.

For those types of gains, I am going to start practicing more self-compassion starting now. How about you?

The first step in self-compassion is listening to your inner critic with curiosity for what she might really be trying to tell you. Learn from it and thank her for trying to help. Like most of us, when she feels heard her need to increase the volume goes down. And a decrease of inner criticism will go a long way to improving how you feel, how you relate to others, and how well you perform at what you do.

Are You Addicted to Accomplishments?

Are you driven by checking off your accomplishments? Or do you find pleasure on the road to completion as well?

I recently learned that Dopamine, one of the key hormones we produce, gets triggered each time we have a sense of accomplishment, which can actually make us addicted to checking things off our lists because it makes us feel good physiologically!

I am a little releived to know my weird habit of adding things to my list that weren’t originally on it just so I can check it off is actually not that uncommon. The sense of accomplishment you get when you check something off your list gives your body a little zap of dopamine.

But the benefits from oxytocin–the hormone released at childbirth, nursing and every time we hug someone– actually last longer and has the ability to reduce addictive behaviors like overworking, shopping, or any other pattern used to get a shot of dopamine.

Isn’t that interesting? If on your path to check off your next big accomplishment you spend more time connecting with co-workers, shaking hands, hugging, and being in relationship you will actually get the benefit of the dopamine at the end of the journey AND a wonderful happy feeling along the way from oxytocin.

“Don’t worry your life away waiting for the elusive prize at journey’s end. The journey is the prize.”

– Marsha Mercant – Actor, Singer, and Writer

The road to financial empowerment

Alexa von Tobel dropped out of business school to start LearnVest. Her mission is to make financial planning affordable to everyone, not just the elite!

Financial empowerment is a tall goal since so many people in our world think nothing more about financial planning than how to make this week’s paycheck stretch to the next!

I don’t know how this looks in the rest of the world, but according to the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System’s 2014 Report on the Economic Well-Being of U.S. Households:

34% of Americans feel under financial stress
59% spend all or more money than they earn.
47% cannot handle an unexpected expense greater than $400.

Because women often let finances become a black hole they avoid, I think Alexa’s company can be the entry point you need to get off the starting point in this area of your life.

And let’s face it, when you do not feel empowered financially everything else starts to become weaker, too.

LearnVest is structured with a minimum start up fee and then small monthly fees for tools, structure, and on-going online guidance. I haven’t used it and am not selling it; but I have to say the concept is brilliant. Every get rich book you read or seminar you attend will always advise you to start finding ways to put 10% of every pay check away. I like to call it “paying myself.”

But once you do that if you have never invested in the stock market, don’t know the difference between the Dow Jones Industrials and Fortune 500, and are pretty clear earning less than 1% at your local bank is not going to get you rich — where do you turn?

I recommend you check out LearnVest as they have free online budget programs and other free tools. Their blogs I read have some spot on financial advice and once you explore it if you decide to invest in the program you will probably find even more there.

Whether you choose this or any other forum for becoming more educated about your finances and controling them–rather than running from them–you will be a more empowered woman. It will give you choices and help you create a life you enjoy.

Start somewhere. Each step moves you closer to feeling good about you.

8 Tips for a More Balanced Life

Recently, I was asked what my best advice was for women maintaining a work-life balance. My answer was I don’t believe in work-life balance — and that’s the truth.

The only people worried about it are those who are uninspired by their work. The rest of us are engaged and enjoying what we do, so forcing some balance seems arbitrary and unnecessary.

For example, it is Sunday while I am writing this blog and most people might think if I were leading a balanced life I would not be working.

However, I have spent most of my day reading interesting articles about new business ideas, learning about what some amazing women are doing and bringing it to you in the way of upcoming blogs. I have enjoyed myself thoroughly, while pursing my deep desire to empower women. I did not need to look for balance.

At the same time, people pursuing their passion successfully are also usually good at taking care of themselves to ensure they have the energy, focus and creativity to be successful.

So let’s look at some of the most important ways you can keep yourself well-positioned for success by taking care of yourself — this is how I keep myself healthy and happy.

I work on my important big tasks early in the day before meetings, email or other daily trivia can overwhelm my time. This always includes activity that is moving my BIG goal forward, since I know from experience that I become enthusiastic when I am working on something I feel passionate about. That enthusiasm seeps into everything else I do all day long.
I plan my important tasks ahead of time for the week and usually end my work day with a list of what is important for the next day, rather than just take what comes. By planning ahead, I have more control over my time and am less at the effect of all the minor emergencies of life. And when real emergencies do take me away, I know what my priorities are when I resume, so I spend less time reconstructing my day.
I avoid multi-tasking, so that my focus is on the task at hand. That way, I complete things faster, leaving me free to be present for my family and friends when I elect to.
Eat healthy, home-cooked meals often using real ingredients that are as close to the way mother-nature provided them as possible. We are what we eat–it affects our moods, energy, focus and mental capacity. Although many busy people feel they cannot afford to take time to cook from scratch, my opinion is you cannot afford not to. This is one of the multi-tasking areas I indulge because cooking often becomes a social event for me–time to catch up with a child or friend while cooking together. With such a large household (4 kids plus a nephew who lived with us and often friends for dinner), I always cook large quantities that allow me to have home cooked leftovers eliminating the need to cook at every meal.
Exercise regularly. I like to mix my exercise between long walks to clear my head, gardening to feed my soul and going to yoga or Pilates classes to build my strength.
Lastly, something I am learning to do better — take “real” breaks, not pretend breaks from work. My fake breaks include looking at social media sites (which although are entertaining and a great way to learn about friends) usually end up including me posting on my business page or linking to articles that become research for a book or program. I get much greater rejuvenation from a phone call or dinner with a friend, or cooking a meal with one of my children completely away from anything work related.
Enjoy life. Although I am working on a Sunday, I left my work behind yesterday to spend the morning with my daughter who will leave soon for her gap year travels. Then, a friend unexpectedly came to visit in the afternoon, and I went out to a movie and dinner with friends in the evening. Was there work that needed to be done? Yes, when isn’t there? But having fun is one of the ingredients to success.

I know the title of this blog is 8 tips for a more balanced life and I just gave you seven. The first and most important tip was in the intro. Do what you love, follow your passion and balance will happen because you will feel more alive!

Role models for young girls

Statistics show that young girls who excel at science and math start to shy away from S.T.E.M. subjects (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) by the time they reach college — usually long before, as early as middle school.

Three major experiences affect whether your daughter will follow this trend or pursue these fields if she loves them:

Does she have adults who encourage her to continue excelling in these areas…
Is she ridiculed by friends and especially boys for being “too smart”…
Does she see older female role models excelling in S.T.E.M…

The first one you can directly affect by your own influence and belief in her skills. Your choice of schools where teachers are known for encouraging girls to continue in S.T.E.M subjects can greatly add to your personal efforts. And the school you select also affects the amount of support or ostracizing your daughter will experience from peers.

Today, more than ever before, there are many amazing role models for your daughter to see as successful in S.T.E.M.

It is up to you she gets exposed to articles, Ted Talks, conferences and other avenues that give her the courage believe in herself — whatever that might be.

Stay-tuned. I will curate a list of successful women in these fields for you to follow and explore with your daughter soon.

Lessons from Independence Celebrations

Last week, Canada and the United States celebrated their independence. Soon, the French will celebrate Bastille Day. Is there anything to be learned (not just celebrated) from the French and American revolutions or Canada’s move to independence without war that we can apply in our individual lives today?

I found something incredibly important this year that can change your life, just like the French and American Revolutions changed history.

I have always loved the fireworks, barbecues, and gatherings of family and friends on the 4th of July. If I am honest, I have spent very little time thinking about American history since leaving high school (Independence Day being one of the few reminders of my privileges of wise people from times past). So I was surprised on July 4th when I picked up my copy of Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich only to be reading a passage about the founding of the United States. If I had remembered this passage was in the book from prior readings, I still would not have been able to find it easily. Yet, here on Independence Day this was the spot in the book I was at.

Hill points out the the real point in history to celebrate was not the winning of the war, or even the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776. He points out the many prior decisions that allowed independence to be won. The keys Hill claims are moments that go unnoticed. Each small, seemingly insignificant decision leading up to July 4th were the real factors in winning independence — like Henry Lee, Samuel Adams and John Hancock starting a Correspondence Committee with the other colonies. Does anyone remember that?

It is our DECISIONS, not the actions that follow them, that determine our fate.

Every time I make a decision in my own life, I know things start to move much more quickly, and the actions I need to take seem easier. But in those times when I vacillate and wait, it only gets harder and harder to act. Do you find that true, too?

By nature, I don’t like to be wrong — no one does, but I take failure as an indicator of my worth. So making decisions has been something I have had to struggle with and grow in my capacity to do; not something that came easy. Ironically, I can make business decisions easy because I feel confident in that arena; but personal decisions affect my relationships, which I have always held sacred and unconsciously feared losing.

Take a moment to reflect on your own decision making muscle — how strong or weak is it? Are you better at making some decisions than others? Are there recurring issues in your life you have been unable to take action on?

Taking this back to Independence Day, you can see that NOTHING important can happen without a decision. If your life feels somewhat numb, or your dreams remain wishes year after year — I suggest you determine if it is your lack of making a decision that is the true culprit, not circumstances, holding you back.

Making decisions can be the scariest thing we do. What if something goes wrong? What if it doesn’t go the way I hope? What if others don’t like my decision? What if I make the wrong choice and miss out on something wonderful? What if…

Decisions can be the scariest thing we do — until we make the decision. Then, decisions become the most liberating thing we can do.

Each decision frees us to start taking action on a determined path, rather than remaining dis-empowered and waiting for something outside to happen. Decisions start to open doors and serendipitously bring people and events into our life to make things happen; but only after we decide.

Is there a decision you have been avoiding? Maybe this July as multiple countries of people are celebrating freedom it is time to use that energy to support you making a decision and experiencing the freedom that comes from definite decisions.

Your Solution Resides Outside the Box

Every once in awhile I find something that reminds me that there are solutions to problems all around — once we think outside the box.

PBS did an article on a nursing home in Netherlands that allows college students free apartments in exchange for 30 hours a month volunteering. The students do things like watch sports with the seniors, visit them if they are ill, and generally be good citizens.

How remarkable is that?

There are so many ways we could improve our lives by integrating needs this way! Seems like all colleges should be looking into offering this. The students will get as much or more out of it than the seniors, and the seniors lives will be immeasurably enhanced by young people in their midst. Heck, you could even do this in reverse and locate day care centers near senior citizen homes and have those still mentally and physically agile be playground monitors and nap time story readers! Imagine the spark of life the seniors would gain and the increase in adult to child ratio the children would have!

What problems do you have in your life? Are there opportunities for you to think outside the box to find a solution?

Do Affirmations Frustrate You?

For many years I was extremely frustrated by all the buzz about the Law of Attraction and doing affirmations. All these people were raving it worked, but I was not seeing results in my life or in those around me also trying to use positive thinking to change their circumstances.

Then someone suggested I start to say, “What would it take for….?” Rather than, “I am…” You might want to try it. It was just the solution I needed.

My cynical truth meter does not go into high gear when I say, “What would it take for me to be healthy, strong and flexible?” It does goes into overdrive when I try to affirm, “I am healthy, strong and flexible,” when I’m recovering from a serious illness and have lost my strength. I would experience streams of doubts in my head that negated any benefit from the affirmation.

But now, when I ask “what would it take”, I have opened my mind to find solutions rather than argue with me.

Noah St. John recently wrote an article about this very thing. He uses, “Why am I healthy, flexible and strong?” The key is asking a question.

These are two very powerful ways to make affirmations work for you and remove the frustration you might be feeling if they haven’t worked.

What will it take ……?
Why am I…?

Maybe you have some variations of your own. I would love to hear them!

To the Graduating Women of 2015

Graduating women of 2015, congratulations! You have achieved your goal and are about to embark upon the next journey of your life.

You may receive advice from parents, friends, and other well meaning people on what job to take, where to live, or any other significant decision you are making as you leave the container of college. Yet, no matter what path you choose there are some things that can help you on your way.

Believe in your capacity to do great things. Maybe you are naive, idealistic, and impractical. Good. Stay that way as long as you can. Thinking outside the box is the only way new and wonderful things have come to humans, so let yourself believe — regardless of what others say. As a serial entrepreneur, I have found believing in myself the most important thing I have done to create opportunities and succeed.
Know you will probably encounter gender bias at work and in life. It is still an unfortunate reality. However, more important is to remove any internal gender bias you might have that will hold you back from shining. Two ways young women do this are either to retract into sweet, non-assertive mannerisms to avoid offending the men in power over them, or to over masculate their mannerisms–hiding their feminine nature. Neither work and both will leave you in a one down position. Be yourself. Bring your feminine and masculine strengths to your life. And speak up for yourself with the expectation you will be heard, not with the expectation you will have to fight for your rights. Stay alert to your own subconscious gender bias lest it sabotage your success before you even start or creep in slowly without warning. Other people cannot hold you back if you are enthusiastic and believe in yourself.
Find women you admire and connect with them. Having strong women in your circle will help you in ways you cannot imagine, until it happens.
Take a leap of faith and do what your heart is calling you to do. You are not commiting for a lifetime, so let go of the fear this has to be “the right” choice. When you follow your heart, and not your head, you will avoid spending decades in dead end jobs that seemed responsible. Plus, you will have spent your energy pursuing what excites you and there is no telling today what great things will come out of that tomorrow. To bring your innate gifts to the world, you have to pursue what you are passionate about. The world needs your passion and creativity, not some mindless motion of another cog in the wheel.

PART OF INFLUENTIAL WOMEN, INC.

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