Category Archives: Uncategorized

Do You Raise Boys Differently than Girls?

Women become empowered (or disempowered) long before they become women. I was appalled the first time I realized, that even I, an accomplished business women and Harvard MBA, had different “rules” for my son than my daughters.

As a mother, I also learned that being a girl verses being a boy came with more DNA differences than genitals–a fact my beliefs prior to having children did not take into consideration.

So as parents, it is critical we treat each child as an individual not a gender AND that we actually become aware of our own unconscious biases before we instill them in our girls and boys.

In a recent NY Times article, Caroline Paul asks, “Why do we teach our girls it is cute to be scared?” It is a great question and similar to one that every mother, if she is honest, probably asks herself at one time or another.

“Why am I treating my girl different from my boy?”

There are so many unconscious beliefs we have about life, especially in regards to genders. Sometimes it is important to celebrate our differences and at other times it is important to not create differences that are solely the result of biases.

Many of your own biases you may not suspect even exist, until you are faced with a situation that tests them. It is in times like these that we can be humble and realize we may be making a mistake and most importantly be willing to change.

Change only comes when we are aware of what we are doing.

I appreciate articles like Caroline’s that put in my face questions like, “Do I expect my son to conquer is fears while I suggest to my daughter to avoid risk?” Only when we ask ourselves these questions against a backdrop of real life situations of our own lives or like those she describes as a firefighter in San Francisco, can we really become clear about our own biases.

Where else might you be holding your daughter back that you would not do with your son?

  • Do you accept her telling you she is not good at math or science? One of my daughters told me that for years and I continued to tell her it just wasn’t true. This year she graduates Phi Beta Kappa as a Bio-Chem major and getting A’s at advanced calculus classes.
  • Do you accept that she is klutzy and get her interested in things that don’t challenge her physically; while you might push your son to push through?
  • Do you expect (or insist) your son help with construction projects, yard work, or car maintenance while never inviting your daughter to do the same?

These are just a few of the areas we might be holding our girls back; while never intending to. Listen closely to your messages with your children; you might be surprised what you hear.

I love the distinct things my daughters bring to my life that are different from my son, and also the things he brings that are uniquely masculine. I no longer expect them to be the same as I did before having children.

Yet, I also am painfully aware of many biases I inflicted upon their beliefs and inner dialog without intending to do so. And I appreciate friends, family, articles like Caroline’s, and my children themselves for pointing out when I had an unconscious gender bias.

The only way to change something is to become aware there is a need for change!

 

Why Are More Women Unhappy; While We Have More Economic Power?

While we have a long way to gender equality worldwide, we have changed the playing field significantly in many areas of modern western culture. Women are stepping into power financially, politically, academically and every other way in big and bold ways. Opportunity for the western woman to make a difference in her own life, that of her family, and her community are real and available–although not without encountering obstacles still.

With all this opportunity, western women are actually some of the most unhappy of modern times.

Claire Zammit calls it a power paradox–having more opportunity and achievement, yet feeling anxious, depressed and about how to step into the opportunity.

She quotes these U.S. statistics which may actually be pervasive globally:

  • 1 in 5 women are on anti-depressants.
  • 6 out of 10 women are experiencing financial stress that disrupts their ability to sleep at night.
  • More women than ever are starting new businesses; however 95% never break $1million in revenue.
  • 50% of women live alone without a life partner.

Do you experience this sense of potential in yourself but feel somehow an inability to manifest it?

Claire teaches in her Feminine Power course something I have been talking about for years. Only when we actually embody our feminine and create strength from there–not in spite of it or overcoming being a woman–will we create the type of success that is fulfilling.

My early success in business was more about being a good man than bringing my unique strengths to my job. At that time, it was assumed women had no place in that world–other than in support roles. The only way I saw to break into that masculine world of power required proving I could hold my own with “the boys.” I even wore pinstripe suits and little bow ties that matched the pattern of men’s ties.

Although I climbed the corporate ladder and then became a highly successful entrepreneur, I always felt empty soon after the latest accolade faded. My power, too, felt empty because it wasn’t directed at anything that mattered to me personally.

Today, I have changed what I do to embody more of me, and there is a worldwide trend creating opportunity for every woman. It is this potential to cultivate your feminine strength and create power and influence by pursuing things that matter to you, you as a woman. You can create businesses that not only make money but also help those who work for you, your community, and the planet.

Women and young people are placing a priority on buying from companies who are making a difference and a profit–together they represent over 85% of consumer purchases. Impact investing is becoming a buzz word in the investment world and companies like take care of their employees like Google are the envy of Wall Street.

Your task is to:

  • No longer fear showing your feminine side while discussing money or business, and
  • More importantly to become reacquainted with yourself–your hopes, dreams, fears, and strengths.
  • Start to show up more authentically as your full self.
  • Understand that relationship matters–not just at home but in all your spheres of life.
  • Find your own unique calling; what makes you happy when you do it.

Rather than play small to keep others comfortable or show force bravado to avoid appearing weak, find your own internal feminine strength–whatever that means to you.

Ask yourself, “At the end of your life, what difference will you like to have made on the world?” Then start moving in that direction. You will never know the lives you will touch, until you try!

 

 

For our ancestors…

A few weeks ago I joined with some friends to share poetry with each other for inspiration and to feed our souls. This one, sent by the daughter of its author, is so potent and rich I wanted to share it with you because sometimes we forget that every win, big and small, is also for those that came before us and made our journey possible.

Girl Gymnast for China

Exultant, poised on strong and supple feet,

I land with free-flung arms above my head.

But the surge of lithe well-being is bittersweet

When I think of you, restrained and limited.

Great-grandmother, China’s doll, with feet so bound

They never grew but tottered on unbending soles

Throughout your fettered years, the cheers resound

For you — as we together gain our goals.

With me you run and jump and spring through air,

Forgetting crippled feet, brocaded weight.

Of gown, impediment of high-piled hair.

Come, share this medal. Come, let’s celebrate!

For you in bindings, Chinese girl of old —

For you, my ancestor, I claim this gold.

~ Pauline Durrett Robertson

Laurel's Mom at Grey's wedding

3 Signs You Are Holding Yourself Back

Today I mistakenly went to a yoga class way above my level of practice. After everyone was seated on their mat the instructor said something that included the level of the class and my whole body tensed.

Immediately my inner voice started screaming, “Oh no! I am in the wrong class. I can’t do this one. How did I make this mistake?”

I considered my options.

I could run for the door quickly before she started, but picking up my mat, bolster, block, and strap seemed so disruptive as everyone was on their mat and ready. Plus, what would she think? I felt I would need to explain my departure. Although, “Oh, I came for a different class,” seems easy enough, my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t commit to saying it before the instructor started.

As I was still considering exiting the room, another voice started complaining that I was traveling all week and this was my only opportunity to do a yoga class. I should stay and modify to my own capability. About the time I began warming to the idea of staying she started asking the class if they wanted to do this posture or that–all above my skill level–confirming my belief I should leave.

I opted to surrender to the fact that for some reason I was here; I wanted to do yoga, and I could monitor my body and do only what was right for me. As the class progressed I surprised myself at how much I was able to do without strain.

Coming to tears

Near the end of class we were experimenting with some difficult poses–poses most of this advanced class were learning–and I found myself frozen with fear again. I could even feel tears welling up in my eyes as I realized how much I did not want to try what was being asked. The instructor helped me get in and out of the pose correctly and I was able to learn more about my body.

But the real learning was in my mind.

How many situations do I avoid outside of yoga because I am afraid? Where do I hold myself back fearing I am not capable of “doing it right?” After class I started looking deep at my own fear of failure–something I teach my clients around the world to break-through in business every day! What I realized was that in those places I feel strong in–like business–I am willing to risk and push the envelop. However, when I am in areas where I feel insecure–I always play it safe!

Today’s yoga class showed me something my unconscious mind had not considered.

When I play it safe I am missing out on things I am actually capable of doing!

How do you know when you are holding back? Here are three tell tale signs:

  1. Try to remember the last time you did something you were afraid of doing. If it was awhile ago; or worse, you don’t remember the last time, then you are definitely not exploring your world and experiencing the joy you get when you accomplish something difficult and one your not sure you can achieve.
  2. Identify what new things you have learned in the last two years? Have you taken up a new sport, hobby, or instrument? Unless you are learning new things regularly, you are allowing your mind and your brain neurons to atrophy. But new brain science proves that our brains have the ability to renew themselves with use. Building your neuroplasticity is like going to the gym for your mind and it requires learning new things.
  3. Notice if you envy your friends and colleagues who seem live more spontaneously, travel to more unusual places (even if they are not expensive and exotic locations), pick up new hobbies, or put themselves in situations you would find embarrassing. As a kid I often watched other kids play sports, wishing to be part of the fun; but I held back because I didn’t know how to do whatever they were doing and did not want feel embarrassed. It was a painful place to be stuck. Notice if you have brought that type of thinking into your adult life.

The great thing about becoming aware of your tendency to hold yourself back is that it takes almost no effort to begin to change it; just a willingness to put your toes in the water. Find something new to do this week. Here are a few ideas:

  • Go to a dance class. There are places in every city that have dance classes early in the evening for salsa, country western, or hip hop before the “real” dancing begins. Grab a friend and try one out.
  • Go someplace alone–a movie, out to dinner, wine tasting, the museum, or anything you want to do and don’t unless with friends or a partner. This was hard for me, but I have found I actually enjoy picking what I want to do and then doing it.
  • Join a meet up group and do something you enjoy but don’t normally do.
  • Sign up for a community college class in something you would like to know–a foreign language, a business class, or oil painting.

The key isn’t necessarily to go way outside your comfort zone to prove you can; but to start to do something new and enjoy the positive feelings you get by growing your world. Do something this week, then pick another next week until finally you will have created a habit of living life fully.

Building this willingness to explore and grow will improve every aspect of your life. You will find yourself saying yes in business and in your personal life to experiences that make your life much more rich and fulfilling.

At the end of the day it isn’t that we are alive that matters; what matters is that we are creating a life worth living–every day.

 

How Do You Feel About How You Spend Your Time Each Day?

The last few days I have squandered my time answering emails, doing small tasks, and basically avoiding some hard work that I don’t enjoy. How do I feel tonight? Tired, uninspired, and not much further along on those tasks I was avoiding.

Most days when I am working on things I love, my days end with a sense of purpose, accomplishment and enthusiasm.

This difference is important. You probably overlook it as you trudge through your obligations and to-to lists. Yet, what I realized tonight, is that how I feel about how I spend my time matters. Because I didn’t want to do what I was aimed at doing, I made the project take longer, depleted my energy available for other things, and wasted much of my day. Yet, when I am excited about what I am doing I get ten or even a hundred times more done than I did the last few days.

Do you experience this same time warp when you are doing things you love verses doing what you loath?

I think we all do. And if this is universally true, than how we feel about how we spend our days matters more than we realize. Maybe you should be placing a great deal more attention on ensuring you spend your days in ways that energize you. With energy, you can accomplish much and without it you accomplish almost nothing.

Am I saying just don’t do things you don’t like? Well, as appealing as that might be—no that is not what I am saying. What I do suggest is that you start your day in ways that invigorate you and keep the things that pull you down to a minimum or at least scheduled for later in the day. That way you keep your day at high energy and can tackle the thing you don’t like with the vitality you created, rather than letting the action you dislike diminish your energy so you cannot complete most of the simplest tasks you had planned.

How do you feel about how you spend your time most days?

If your answer is not positive, then take time this weekend to create a new plan for how you spend each day this coming week. Add in more of what inspires you. Find creative ways to accomplish the things needed that you don’t enjoy.

  • Is there someone you know who does enjoy those things you can get to help you?
  • Maybe you can use the money you currently spend on vanilla lattes to pay someone once a week to do it?
  • Can you hire a neighbor’s teenager to help?
  • Maybe you could create a learning experience for a local college intern and get the job done for free?

Think outside the box, rather than stay boxed in a life of drudgery. 

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

How many times were you asked this as a young child? As an adult you may have actually wondered if you would every really grow up and know what you really wanted to be?

While no one really cared how you answered this question when you were little, as you got older you were given an idea from subtle and no so subtle suggestions that you must choose one goal or “purpose.”

The irony of this cultural pressure is that I have yet to meet anyone who truly has had one destiny or purpose. In fact, what makes people interesting is their multifaceted past. What creates genius is your ability to see things from various perspectives to find the keys to a new solution–something that comes with a varied experience.

How many people can you name who are still doing what they studied in college?

Sometimes doing what you love changes. You change. Circumstances change. Technology inserts new ways of doing things. Opportunities arise that if you are wise you capture–not because it was your goal since you were five and people asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up or it was your college major–but because the opportunity ignites your imagination and enthusiasm.

We have traveled down the road of specializing to such a degree that it is hard to change paths once you have invested so much energy in one direction. We have forgotten how important it is to be able to have a general perspective before you can drill deep. Henry Ford is often quoted as saying he did not need to know everything because he could hire people who specialized in those areas. Similarly, Andrew Carnegie, at one time the richest man in the world, surrounded himself by people who understood the steel industry much better than he did–even though he made his fortune in steel.

The people at the top of any field are not experts in everything needed for their success.

  • The orchestra conductor cannot play every instrument in the symphony.
  • The CEO is not an expert at marketing, manufacturing and finance.
  • The school principal is not an expert in each subject taught at her school.
  • The heart surgeon does not administer the anesthesia.

Maybe when our life expectancy was around 30 years of age it made sense to do one thing and do it well. But you will most likely live three times that age, so why limit yourself to doing the same thing your whole life through?

If you are a person who has many interests, rather than let culture pressure make you feel flighty and ungrounded, remind yourself that you are actually ahead of the rest of society who painfully try to find things that will inspire them. Many people in life have dulled their curiosity and ability to explore new things. If you have changed courses multiple times than you have probably honed and cultivated a spirit of learning that will serve you throughout life. Other skills you have gained are:

  • Comfort in uncertainty.
  • Skills that transfer across sectors like being able to inspire others, organization, or others.
  • Seeing multiple perspectives, creating solutions otherwise missed.
  • Ability to learn new things.
  • Adaptability which is key in our rapidly changing world.

The next time someone belittles your changing careers or ending one passion for another, remember…

By feeding your curiosity and willingness to change you are building your genius and becoming the person you were meant to be–when you grow up!

 

How Can You Become More Lucky?

Do you look at people who are lucky and wonder what they do or have that you do not?

According to James Austin, chance combined with creativity is the equation you need in order to fill your life with more serendipitous events. This equation does not necessarily give you enough information on how to create more serendipitous events in your life.

Chance or luck definitely plays a part in creating these moments of pure genius. However, luck alone would leave your to very minimal odds of getting that stroke of luck you desire. And because serendipity requires a bit of trust in life and going with what is presented, it can make you feel a little out of control–which few of us like to feel.

Are there specific things you can do to increase the serendipity and luck in your life?

The good news is, yes, you can influence how “lucky” you are. Here are some of the key things I have found impact your ability to create a charmed life.

  • Listen! Everyone gets those nudges, hunches, and ideas; but do you follow them? Instead, you probably let your rational mind convince you the idea is silly or unrealistic. The people who tend to be lucky more of the time, listen to these crazy nudges.
  • Connect, connect, connect! The more people you meet the more opportunities you will find. It is really a matter of numbers. Put yourself in situations more often where you might meet the right person or learn something that puts your dreams in motion.
  • Share and be vulnerable! If you are like most people, you hold your ideas close to your heart and rarely let others know what you are dreaming. This can be useful to avoid ridicule from friends or family who might belittle your aspirations; but if you do not share your passion with others you cannot find the people who will help you turn your dreams into reality. Take a risk!
  • Keep learning! The more you invest in learning about your interest the more likely you will learn about the key people and things that can move you forward.
  • Believe your idea will take flight! The last, but perhaps most important element of creating serendipity in you life is believing what you desire to happen will in fact happen. Imagine it is like knowing a certain show is on TV but you do not know which station, or a specific movie is in theaters but you don’t know which one. You would never question the existence of the television show or the movie; you would just search until you found it. Having that kind of belief in your own dreams allows you to be open to the flow of magic called serendipity. When you are trying to force things or doubting they will happen you will miss the cues from life that tell you which channel to tune into.

Who Can You Be Today?

What is the greatest ideal expression of myself I can be today?

This simple question has the potential to move you from guilt and blame over the past or anxiety and doubt about the future.

Imagine waking each day without care about the mistakes you made yesterday or worry about your ability to reach your goals in the future–solely focused on what is the best you can bring to today!

I didn’t make this question up; some wise person I don’t recall gave it to me. The question gave me pause, made me consider, and helped me put things in perspective. Then, like so many of us, I let this wise teaching slip into the background. However, I was smart enough to send myself a note that would arrive months later to remind me of the question again today.

Now re-reading it with new eyes I am committed to asking myself this question every morning for the rest of my life. I posted it on my bathroom mirror to remind me each morning when I wake and each evening when I retire that the only think required of me is to bring my best to the day at hand.

And now I ask you. What is the greatest ideal expression of yourself you can bring to your life, today?

Auto-pilot or Authentic?

How much of your day do you go through on auto-pilot?

We live in such a fast-paced, action-driven culture that few of us actually review our days to see how much of them are by choice.

It is a daunting reality when you realize very little of your life is your current choice.

This is why we crave new experiences–restaurants, vacations, lovers–in an endless attempt to feel alive.

What if we started to create newness in our life as a daily choice?  It requires being wide-eyed awake in daily life to start choosing rather than being a robot. Tama Kieves, author of a great book —This Time I Dance, recently wrote in Huff Post, “The rat will always push the lever where the pellets are.” Have you become a well trained rat?

Ugh! No one wants to admit this. But most of us have.

Try for the next 24 hours to ask yourself, before you do anything, “Is this what I choose to do, or am I fulfilling a role, meeting someone else’s expectations, or maybe just doing what I always do?”

Then make a choice. You will be surprised how much of your day is filled with things you do on auto-pilot and how few people will care when you actually stop.

What will happen next?

You will start living a life on purpose and perhaps to your surprise, each day will start to feel more alive, unexpected things will flow into the space you have opened that make your days feel more magical, and you will again be living!

Over 50 & Fabulous?

Are you over 50 (or heading towards it) and maybe fallen prey to our culture’s infatuation with youth? Do you believe the best of your life is behind you? Are you looking for and buying more and more “anti-aging” products–hoping for a miracle that will help you feel youthful again?

If any of that rings true then seeing what 60-year old Cindy Joseph is doing may surprise you!

Cindy just recently became a high paid fashion model. In fact, the surprise offer came the day she cut the last of her dyed hair off and became her natural silver-haired self! Her message is inspiring and I encourage you to read what she is doing and watch this video of her.  Even though the video is ultimately aimed at selling you her new makeup line, it is worth the watch as she discusses an attitude that can change your view of aging.

What’s her secrets?

  • Use less makeup, not more.
  • Let your hair go natural.
  • See yourself as beautiful, because you are.
  • Recreate yourself, rather than accept the cultural stereotype of getting old.