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What Are You Feeling?

Most people try to hide their feelings and the result is that the emotions come out sideways in their relationships and work.

Matt Lieberman, a neuroscientist from UCLA, says that by labeling our emotions we diffuse their power over us and they can become informative instead. Labeling works because it gets us out of our reptilian brain and back to the reasoning part of our brain.

You might have learned this in a parenting class–instead of trying to appease an upset child your best strategy is to help them identify (label) what they are feeling. This allows them to process it and rise above the feeling, rather than be engulfed by the feeling.

Well, the same is true for you and I. Although you may have been taught that you are too emotional and should get a handle on your emotions, that type of conditioning only makes you more likely to explode or react from an emotional space. It does not actually make you more rationale.

Emotions are indicators that can help us navigate our environment and make choices that will lead to our happiness.

They should not be stifled. Neither do we want to become victims of our own emotions to the point they have shut down parts of our brain and put us into ‘fight or flight’ mode.

When you feel angry and acknowledge it then you can look at the circumstance and make choices to ask for changes or remove yourself from situations that aren’t in your best interest. If you try to hold in your anger you are likely to stop listening to the mild messages until they become an explosion.

My experience with my own pent up anger is it always comes out destructive and it never gets me what I actually want.

Cultivate Curiosity

So in order to make sure I hear my anger, or any other emotion, while remaining in the driver’s seat of my life–I am learning to label how I feel and start to become a curious investigator of my emotions.

The more I listen to and ask questions about how I am feeling the more I am starting to make choices I like. By labeling how I am feeling it keeps me from diving deep into the feeling. On those deep dives I rarely learn anything that helps me react to my world in a productive way.

Labeling your emotions is a great tool. Try it next time life sends you spinning. Cultivate curiosity for how you are feeling and it can become a wonderful guide. Life is too short to spend it pretending we are happy when we are not.  The easiest way to make a life where you are happy is to notice what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. Then do more of what does.

 

 

 

Regrets Keep You at the Train Wreck

Sometimes I find myself wishing I made other decisions or took other paths along the way to now. Do you have regrets, too?

Invariably this type of thinking strikes me when something has not gone as I had hoped–my marriage of 29 years falls apart, my mom gets diagnosed with cancer, I get sick from too much stress. And even the not so big moments of disappointment can hurl me into the endless loop of “What should I have done differently?” if I let them.

Although I know it is essential to evaluate our choices so we make better ones in the future, I usually am much more likely on a spiral of regret and discouragement when I find these voices taking the stage of my mind.

The question is not whether you will have thoughts of regret, you will. The solution is not to avoid disappointment, it comes–bidden or not. The answer lies in the path forward.

How do you navigate away from falling into an abyss of despair and personal condemnation when big things go wrong?

Common advice like “You have to recognize that it is all for the better,” or “You created it, so you can now create something better” all lack the needed understanding for how I feel in that moment. I may be able to see the truth in these attitudes later, but in the moment they dig me deeper into my dungeon of self-loathing for mistakes made.

What does work for me is making plans and taking action. Even when looking forward to the future seemed dismal because my family was “broken apart,” making plans that moved me out of limbo did help me stop the emotional bleeding. Sometimes that is the most important thing in a crisis; stop the hemorrhaging.

It’s better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.

~ Jacki Joyner-Kersee – Athlete

It’s a bit like being on a train going someplace when the conductor stops the train and tells you the train is no longer going to your destination. It really does not matter if the engine failed or it was a full on train wreck. You are in the station, your bags all around you, trying to make sense of your plans which have been irrevocably changed. That train is not moving, you are not getting a refund and there is no way to magically start over back at the beginning.

You can sit down and lament the situation. But until you get up and assess your options, buy another form of transportation, and start moving–you’re stuck. As soon as you start making plans your focus changes from the plans no longer happening to something new. It may not completely remove the sting of not getting to your original destination; however, it starts the process of healing.

This past December I moved across the country to start a new chapter of my life. I have been divorced for 5 years and it took me that long to get out of the train station with my bags all around me. Maybe I could not have done it sooner, maybe I could. But the movement has opened my energy and my possibilities.

If you have found yourself talking too often–to others or yourself–about what didn’t turn out the way you planned I recommend you change your focus to what steps you can take, make plans, and start moving.

You don’t have to make plans for what to do with the rest of your life. That may have been what kept me from moving forward–I thought I needed an answer for the long-term. You just need plans for what to do next. Then begin your new journey with that first step.

You will be glad you did.

 

Architects of Change

I like to consider myself an architect of change.

I hope to dramatically increase the number of women in positions of influence around the world–which will change the face of government, business, communities, and capital formation. Through my work with entrepreneurs, I am also changing the role of business in the world from one solely dedicated to profits to businesses that create value well beyond just the product or service they sell through their collaboration, partnerships, and stewardship. The next generation of successful businesses will succeed based on managing a quadruple bottom line: profits, people, planet and purpose!

Recently, I found an interesting interview series I want to share with you by Maria Shriver called Architects of Change.

She has interviewed some interesting and influential women who you will enjoy hearing from.

  • Katherine Woodward Thomas
  • Shonda Rhimes
  • Melanne Verveer and Kim Azzarelli
  • Ann Romney
  • Anne-Marie Slaughter
  • Elizabeth Holmes
  • Sister Joan Chitister
  • Lisa Genvoa
  • Diane von Furstenberg

After listening to these and reading my Interviews with Influential Women, you might want to ask yourself, “How can you be an architect of change in your world?”

Ruminating Again?

Have you ever noticed how often you ruminate over something that did not go well? You probably look at it from every angle trying to find your error so you won’t have it happen again. Ruminating is basically the mental activity of replaying something over and over again increasing your distress over the situation and looking at all the ways you are to blame, or are the victim of someone else’s poor choices. Most of ruminating centers around thoughts that highlight your mistakes and flaws or how embarrassed or sad you are. I certainly am guilty of this, are you? Research says women as a group actually tend to ruminate during distress far more often than men.

Why is this important?

Because further research at Yale showed that rumination over unwanted situations actually is a predictor of depression.  When they studied men and women who did not ruminate, the percentage of depressed people showed no gender bias, even though decades of studies show women to be depressed at far higher rates than men. Their findings led them to believe that not ruminating can actually mediate depression!

A few other benefits to “just letting things go” are:

  • Your self-confidence will grow when you are no longer hammering yourself over mistakes repeatedly.
  • You will have more mental capacity to find solutions or make new choices that prevent the same things from repeating themselves. (Studies actually show ruminating interferes with problem solving!)
  • You will be in a better mood if you are not thinking of what went wrong so often. (Again, research shows a strong correlation between ruminating and bad moods; but you did not need a researcher to tell you that, did you?)

Researchers believe that this tendency to rumination is hard wired in our female brain based on thousands of years of domination. Rumination happens less frequently the more someone perceived they have control over their own circumstances.

The trick is to rewire your brain (and those of your children’s) to let this pattern go. How?

  • Take time every day to notice what is going well:
    • Start a gratitude journal.
    • Tell one person each day what you notice about them that is great (make it someone new each day.)
  • Stop mid-thought when you catch yourself ruminating and start something that requires your attention. Be committed to being in control of your thoughts.
  • Regularly take time to write down and think about what you have done well:
    • List the top 10 things you have ever done.
    • List the top 10 things you do well.
    • List the top 10 things that have gone well this past year.
  • Tell yourself, looking into one eye and then the other, that you love yourself, that you are amazing, that you can do….(fill in the blank).

There is no time like the beginning of a new year to start this type of habit. Once you do this for 30-60 days your life will never be the same.

Wise Women Often Speak in Whispers

Two questions I get asked most often are, “How do I get in touch with my inner guidance?” and “How do I tell the difference between my inner guide and my anxieties and doubts?”

 These are important questions. Each of us has our own compass to know what is true for us. Unfortunately most people rarely look inside for answers to their most pressing questions. There are some universal truths to help you hear more clearly your wise inner soul and discern her from the other inner voices.

 Of course, the first and foremost step to cultivating your inner wisdom is beginning to listen.

Most of us are so busy “doing life” that we rarely slow down long enough to hear the small, quiet whisper of our inner guide. I have learned to notice that when I finally have time with nothing planned if I am quick to call a friend, or make a date, I am probably avoiding hearing what she has to say.

An easy way to make sure you’ve opened the door and invited your wise woman to speak is to cultivate quiet time in your life–time when you are not trying to figure something out, get anything done, or interact with someone else–just time for you. This can take many forms, and some of my favorite ways are to:

  • Journal
  • Meditate
  • Exercise
  • Unplug my phone and computer for an afternoon
  • Walk in the woods
  • Take a long bath
  • Practice yoga

What you do to cultivate your inner guide is not as important as that you do it, and do it regularly enough that a deep conversation can emerge.

The reason most of us feel so disconnected to our inner wise woman is because she speaks softly, almost in whispers. She does not push or pull at us like doubt and anxiety; nor does she turn up the volume to get our attention. She waits patiently until we turn our attention inward.

 In today’s tech culture with our fast paced lives where we multitask everything, it takes an active decision to cultivate wisdom. Usually we turn outside for advice–friends, co-workers, books, and authority figures. We ask for more information.

 Yet, wisdom is an inner knowing rather than factual intelligence. I have been meditating for 25 years and although I don’t hear loud voices talking to me; my regular practice of going inside keeps me calm under pressure and helps me feel the difference between my myriad of negative stories and my true inner guide.

 When your inner wise woman gives you advice it usually causes a release in the tension in your shoulders, your jaw, or might even bring out a sigh of relief. She does not shame or make you feel guilty. She helps you move towards more joy. Her wisdom can open doors that you did not even know were there; once you begin to listen.

 In some traditions, when you meditate you incline your head slightly towards your heart as if preparing to listen. I like that visual. My mind is a great tool and when it is in service to my heart my life works well, people appear in time to help just when I need them, and circumstances arise that I could not force into existence–all as if by magic.

 Make time each day to quiet your mind and soon your heart will be guiding you regularly.

 

How Serendipitous Is Your Life?

Don’t you love when things just fall into place, as if by magic? I do.

I have found that most of what I have pushed and pulled to make happen rarely was as sweet as the things that have enchanted, serendipitous beginnings. Yet, I also have suspected that I co-create these moments of serendipity since they seem to happen frequently when I am curious and looking for treasures in the mundane moments of life; and they seem to disappear when I am anxious and stressed.

In a New York Times article I recently read, Pagan Kennedy says the word serendipity originally did connote action on our part, not some good fortune or luck. It originated from a Persian fairy tale about three princess from the Isle of Serendip who had keen skills of observation allowing them to discover things they were not looking for but were present on their travels.

Isn’t that exactly how serendipity works? You are looking for something in your wallet when you see a card from someone you intended to call but forgot. If you pick up on the clue and make the call right then you find some enchanted outcome you did not expect but nevertheless are now overjoyed by.

The keys to cultivating serendipity is in your observing the small cues and then acting on them!

It is a two part process–observe and act. If you are stressed about other things you are not likely to notice the card at all and just push it aside in pursuit of your original quest. If you are in a hurry you might notice, but maybe only make a mental note to make the call later rather than do it now. Either way, the moment will be lost.

According to the NYT article Dr. Erdelez studied 100 people in the 1990’s “to find out how they created their own serendipity, or failed to do so.”

She categorized her subjects into three groups: 1) those that stayed focused on tasks and to-do lists when searching for something, 2) those that occasionally “wandered off into the margins” and had infrequent moments of serendipity, and 3) those she called “super-encounterers.” These were people who expected magic and found it because they looked for “happy surprises” in odd places.

If serendipity is a skill we can cultivate, I want to become a student of it today and increase the enchanted encounters in my life. How about you? Three things seem necessary.

Curiosity

Observation

Action

I am going to bring more curiosity to my life, looking in the oddest places for “happy surprises” and expecting to find them. And when I do, I will act. Sounds like a great adventure!

Meaningfully Busy or Harried Busyness?

Its a new year, with new goals, and so many possibilities. Whether you achieve your dreams will depend on your relationship with being busy.

Most women have so many things on their to do list–running errands, taking kids to activities, attending events in support of others, volunteering on a committee, paying bills, just keeping work and home afloat–that they rarely invest in either themselves or the dreams that matter most to them. Is that you, too? Are your days filled with busyness that prevents you from doing what you really choose?

If so, now at the beginning of the year is a great time to change your relationship with being busy.

Busyness implies you are meeting other people’s needs and helping them fulfill their dreams. Busyness means you are checking off errands on a list at the expense of pursuing your inner calling. Busyness keeps everyone’s life in your world streamlined, clutter-free, and humming.

However, to do something meaningful–something meaningful to YOU–you will have to change from busyness to being busy doing what matters. This is such a critical element of achieving success in any realm that I spend considerable time teaching techniques for achieving it in my Wealth Development Program. People with influence or those making significant contributions all do this, consciously or unconsciously.

Here are a few tips that will help you make the transition from busyness to busy.

  • Start your day with a commitment to work on your most important goal. If you want to write a book, write for a specified amount of time; if you are starting a business, take action solely for your new venture at the beginning of the day; whatever your goal is, do it first.
  • Know the areas that sabotage you and hold off doing things that are time-hogs until late in your day–things like answering emails, paying bills, or returning phone calls. These require less energy and creativity and can easily be done then; while your most important work deserves your best energy.
  • Start saying no to things that you do out of guilt, obligation, or because you have always done them. This is hard for most women; however, once you practice doing it, you will start to realize how valuable your time is and saying no will become easier and easier.
  • Keep fortifying your vision and dream regularly. You can have a mission statement you read to yourself daily or a journal where you continue to develop your idea and how it will look and feel once you have achieved it. Whatever form it takes, visualize your end goal often.

 

 

Annual Ritual to Ensure Failure?

Most of you will create New Years resolutions in the coming days; but, have you reviewed those you made last year? How did you do? Both women and men continue this annual ritual throughout the world; however, very few people do it in a way that help them succeed.

In fact, I will bet the way you create these resolutions may be contributing to your failure!

That may sound harsh, but unrealized dreams is a harsher reality. There are common traits of people who do not achieve their dreams. Are any of these familiar?

  1. Wishing for, instead of believing in, your goals.
  2. Making goals without ever reviewing your progress.
  3. Creating goals that make you feel bad about yourself by focusing on
    1. what you do not have,
    2. what about yourself you dislike, or
    3. how you feel you “should be” which is externally driven instead of coming from deep desire.
  4. Plus, the amount of guilt you carry for all the unkept resolutions adds to the problem and keeps you stuck.

I want you to find ways to succeed so let’s look at a few tips to move your resolutions to real goals that become your reality.

  • Avoid making a laundry list of promises to stop doing x,y, or z.

    (Trying to NOT do something just keeps that something front and center of your mind, making it harder to achieve your goal.)

  • Go beyond the initial goal and find what is driving it.

    Once you delve deeper you’ll create a much better goal and one you will be more inspired to achieve. Here are some examples of how goals can be worded to describe the why, the way you will feel when they are your reality:

    • Change I want to loose 15 pounds to I feel great in my body, clothes fit well, and I enjoy my vitality.
    • Replace I need to be debt free to I feel empowered to make the choices I want because I have financial resources to do so.
    • Modify I found a better job to My work is fulfilling and I am inspired by the people I work with.

  • Limit your resolutions to three things (one or two is even better).

    I like to have one personal goal and one professional goal. Anything more than three becomes a wish list with no meaningful attention kept on any one goal.

  • Write down your resolutions and put them where you can read them daily, even multiple times a day.

    Say them out loud. This may sound silly, but do it anyway. You need to say them until you believe it is so, even if you do not yet have the material results to show for it. When you say your goal aloud visualize how you will feel and what you will be doing when it is reality.

  • Tell somebody else what your goal(s) are for this coming year and then keep them posted regularly on your success.

    I belong to a mastermind, but sharing with your best friend is equally helpful in this step.

Belief in yourself, your goals, your ability to achieve them and your worthiness to have them is the most important step in manifesting your dream. Try to think of one famous musician, olympic athlete, or other successful person who did not believe they would achieve their goal some way, some how.

Become an olympiad of your own life.

Being the Holder of Traditions

Woman are often the ones making holidays special—whether Hanukkah, Ramadan, Christmas, or another tradition—by carrying on customs, making space for rituals, creating gatherings for friends and family, and producing feasts for all to enjoy. This can either be a blessing or a burden.

You may love to entertain and find holidays to be your favorite time of year, or if you dislike entertaining you may enter the season with the goal to endure it. Yet, if you embody fully the role of custodian of traditions you can take the reins and create customs for your family that support your particular likes and dislikes, while honoring your heritage.

I love to cook and entertain; yet, I never felt happy when I was working before, during and after a family festivity while everyone else enjoyed himself or herself. My family tradition has evolved to everyone cooking large family feasts on holidays. Because I made cooking a festive joint endeavor over the years, the meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking have all become shared tasks for holidays and I never feel placed in the role of worker while everyone else is relaxing and socializing. It has become something we all look forward to and everyone adds his or her own flair to the mix.

With a little creativity, you can turn every holiday into rich traditions that serve and honor your soul. What do you love to do and how might you incorporate it into your holiday routine?

Instilling new traditions takes a little time; and there is no time but today to start one!