Tag Archives: change

Do You Raise Boys Differently than Girls?

Women become empowered (or disempowered) long before they become women. I was appalled the first time I realized, that even I, an accomplished business women and Harvard MBA, had different “rules” for my son than my daughters.

As a mother, I also learned that being a girl verses being a boy came with more DNA differences than genitals–a fact my beliefs prior to having children did not take into consideration.

So as parents, it is critical we treat each child as an individual not a gender AND that we actually become aware of our own unconscious biases before we instill them in our girls and boys.

In a recent NY Times article, Caroline Paul asks, “Why do we teach our girls it is cute to be scared?” It is a great question and similar to one that every mother, if she is honest, probably asks herself at one time or another.

“Why am I treating my girl different from my boy?”

There are so many unconscious beliefs we have about life, especially in regards to genders. Sometimes it is important to celebrate our differences and at other times it is important to not create differences that are solely the result of biases.

Many of your own biases you may not suspect even exist, until you are faced with a situation that tests them. It is in times like these that we can be humble and realize we may be making a mistake and most importantly be willing to change.

Change only comes when we are aware of what we are doing.

I appreciate articles like Caroline’s that put in my face questions like, “Do I expect my son to conquer is fears while I suggest to my daughter to avoid risk?” Only when we ask ourselves these questions against a backdrop of real life situations of our own lives or like those she describes as a firefighter in San Francisco, can we really become clear about our own biases.

Where else might you be holding your daughter back that you would not do with your son?

  • Do you accept her telling you she is not good at math or science? One of my daughters told me that for years and I continued to tell her it just wasn’t true. This year she graduates Phi Beta Kappa as a Bio-Chem major and getting A’s at advanced calculus classes.
  • Do you accept that she is klutzy and get her interested in things that don’t challenge her physically; while you might push your son to push through?
  • Do you expect (or insist) your son help with construction projects, yard work, or car maintenance while never inviting your daughter to do the same?

These are just a few of the areas we might be holding our girls back; while never intending to. Listen closely to your messages with your children; you might be surprised what you hear.

I love the distinct things my daughters bring to my life that are different from my son, and also the things he brings that are uniquely masculine. I no longer expect them to be the same as I did before having children.

Yet, I also am painfully aware of many biases I inflicted upon their beliefs and inner dialog without intending to do so. And I appreciate friends, family, articles like Caroline’s, and my children themselves for pointing out when I had an unconscious gender bias.

The only way to change something is to become aware there is a need for change!

 

Happiness 101

Do you long to be happier?  Maybe you are content with your life; yet, feel your day to day mood rarely swings into full gear on the happiness throttle.  What can you do?

I recently saw a social media post about neuroscience research on happiness that intrigued me so much I followed it all the way to the various source articles that it referenced to learn more. The Business Insider article by Eric Barker that summed it all up offered four keys to becoming more happy.

Although you may have heard it all before, it is important to understand that neuroscientists are studying human brains and finding confirmation that these steps truly change the chemical make up in your body and the activity in your brain.  If you are not actively doing all four regularly, you might want to ask yourself, “Why not?”

The four things you can start doing today and feel real results do not take a lot of time, are fairly simple to do, and are in your control.

  1. Find what you are grateful for.

    There are lots of reasons to look on the bright side of life; and we often feel shame when we don’t. But now the research shows that even looking for something to be grateful for on the days when it feels like your whole world is upside down can increase your levels of dopamine and seratonin–both of which help you feel better. Researchers even found that gratitude and searching for things to be grateful for increased you neuron density creating greater emotional intelligence, which makes finding things to be grateful for easier. So the more often you do it the easier gratitude becomes. I use a gratitude journal as one of the key antidotes for feeling stressed and unhappy. 

  2. Give your negative feelings a label.

    This is an interesting tactic you might remember from parenting classes. Parenting classes always include the advice to help your child identify their feelings and put a name to them. The mere act of labeling your feelings disipates their power over you. This is not going into the story and justifying how terrible things are; it is simply a word or phrase that describes how you feel. Researchers have now studied people’s brains using MRI technology while they are upset and find that labeling how you feel reduces the activity in your amygdala–you know the place in your brain that makes you overreact and go into fight or flight. How simple, yet powerful!

  3. Make decisions.

    Decision making is often stressful and you might think putting this on a list of ways to become happier is non-sense. But don’t rule this gem out so quickly because making decisions reestablishes your feeling of being in control, and we all know that is a whole lot less stressful than feeling out-of-control. Apparently our friends in neuroscience have found that making decisions engages the pre-frontal cortex and reduces anxiety and worry. But not all choices are easy and you can read more about ways to help you make even the toughest choices in my blog.

  4. Hug someone.

    Scientists have confirmed that human touch is good for us.  Whether you hug everyone you see today, shake people’s hands, or go get a massage, you will be releasing oxytocin–the feel good hormone. Here is a challenge.  Apparently, research shows that 5 hugs a day for four weeks increases your happiness quotient big time. Want to try it with me?

I love the idea that things we intrinsicly know about life are starting to be proven with science. Hopefully, knowing the science behind the advice will encourage you to take action and live happier, starting today!

For more ideas about increasing your feeling happiness each day read 5 Easy Steps to Increase Your Happiness.

Do You Resist Change?

I do not easily embrace change.  Do you?

I clung to my marraige long past its healthy life.  I have remained in my family home–with all its memories of another time–probably longer than was good for me starting a new life. I love creating warm, cuddly environments and then I rarely want to move from them. I am very flexible and “go with the flow” in most situations; so I deceive myself about how hard it is for me to really move willingly into big changes.

Some people are definitely more inclined to jump with both feet into change whenever the opportunity arises, and others, like me, are slow to put our toes in the water. What is your nature?

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

– Charles Darwin – 1809-1882, Naturalist and Geologist

Ironically, in business I understand completely that the companies who are able to change and adjust to their environment are the ones that succeed.  I actually am good at it in a business arena, just not my personal life.  So it is time to bring my innate knowledge of adaptability in business to my own personal life.

I will be making many changes in the coming months.  It is both exciting and terrifying!  I will keep you posted on my progress at jumping in the water.

Betraying Ourselves

You may think the worst thing that has ever happened to you was when your husband left for another woman, or your best friend undermined your vulnerable plans by sharing them with someone behind your back, or … fill in the blank with the time you felt emotionally sucker punched.  Just thinking about it brings back that sick feeling in your solar plexus area, doesn’t it?

In her Huffington post article, Dr. Deborah Caldwell says these betrayals pail in comparison to the ones we do to ourselves, sometimes daily.  I agree with Deborah.  I would not keep someone as a friend if they treated me the way I sometimes treat me.  I certainly would never let someone talk to me the way I sometimes find my inner talk going.

These inner dialogues sabotage our ability to attain any worthy goal. Tell that inner voice goodbye.

How can you expect to release that extra 20 pounds if you keep telling yourself you are fat? Your subconscious mind does the only thing it is programed to do.  It makes sure your outer circumstances verify your inner talk. The same is true for your bank statement.  It will not grow fuller than that which agrees with your inner image.  If you find yourself frequently saying: “I am broke,”  “I cannot afford that” or other similar stories, you will be right.

Rather than keep setting New Year’s resolutions you do not keep or goals you won’t fulfill, why not become increasingly aware of your inner self talk!  First, stop the negative chatter.  Literally when you notice you have started a rant, on you, just say “stop it.”  Then stop. Second, add some affirming voices in place of the worn out record of beating yourself up.  Find the things you do well and keep pointing them out to yourself.  Make a list.  Read it daily and add to it often.

This year, your number one goal could be to become your own best friend.  Everything else, I bet, will fall into place when you start to really like and care for you.

Quiet Revolution

Change the game, not who you are!

Sometimes the best strategy is not to fight for a change to the problem or to expect those in control to change their mind.  

When Gandhi wanted the British out of India he did not try to go to war with the strongest empire in the world at the time.

How many slaves were freed through the Underground Railroad well before law freed the rest?

How many small acts of faith did Mandela use to overrule apartheid?  

So maybe the answer to women only getting 7% of Venture Capital money or less of Investment Banking money is to change the game—rather than fight the status quo.   Maybe the answer to so few women Heads of State, CEO’s, Board of Directors, and other positions of influence is NOT to change who we are and be more like men!  If in the last 50 years this is all the progress we have made despite the numbers of women MBA’s, the number of women entrepreneurs, or the number of women Investment Bankers, and the number of women graduating college—than becoming more assertive or confident is not the solution.  Looking at the world through new lenses is.

Rather than try harder, work longer, and change more to be like men—lets look at the inherent strengths of being feminine and use these things to make a difference.

What are these feminine strengths?

  • The art of collaboration
  • Community building
  • Large results with many hands contributing small efforts
  • Rallying large numbers of supporters
  • Finding solutions
  • Mentoring and encouraging

The Internet and social media have given rise to many new ways of business—changing forever traditional marketing, sales, order fulfillment and raising capital.  These changes provide a remarkable platform for women to make a difference in the funding of new ideas, new businesses, new non-profit organizations, and to market directly to each other.  Women comprise over 80% of the purchasing power in the United States even though we represent less than 15% of the heads of corporations making the products and services we buy.

The time is ripe for change.  Women are more educated, have more resources, and have more time than ever before in human existence.  We can be the change we are seeking in the world by starting a new paradigm.

Think big.  Think bold.  Think of what you would like your community, your country, and your world to be like.  Let’s cease putting another moment of energy into what is wrong and what we do not like.  Let’s create the world we desire.  Let’s create a balance of power shift so subtle, so substantial, so sweet that once it is obvious what happened even those who would fight us today will be happy we did!

Join the conversation.  What does your utopia look like?  What small change can you initiate?  What would you do if you felt you could, if you felt no glass ceiling, if you had all doors open wide?