Tag Archives: dream

What Pain Are You Willing to Sustain?

We often ask, “What do I want,” but we rarely ask “What sacrifice am I willing to make,” or worse, “What pain do I want in my life?”

This last question posed by Mark Manson in his article in Quartz, really got me thinking.  We all sustain pain of various types when we have an important goal at stake. These can range from bodily aches as we train for a marathon, restraining our spending to save money to start a business, to emotional pain as we struggle to make a marriage work.

Mark’s question is important because you probably often say you want something, but are not committed to the struggle that is often required to get it. I know my list of wants will be whittled down using this question.

You can sift the chaff from the wheat pretty quickly if you stop agonizing over wishing for things you really aren’t willing to suffer to get.

Does this mean everything you want requires pain and suffering? Yes and no. Everything worth having will inspire you to heights you otherwise would not climb for other goals; yet, good things often come merely by believing you deserve them and being open to receiving.

There is another aspect of this question equally important to uncover–especially for women. Are there areas of your life in which you are repeatedly suffering, not for the good you hope to gain, but because you have grown numb to your suffering?

When I start a new business I never know if it will succeed–whether my efforts will result in the end goal I am aiming. Yet, I believe it is possible and also probable which is why I continue. When my children were young I agreed to emotional pain in my marriage because I believed our family was worth the struggle; I believed my then husband and I would work through our challenges and our relationship would be stronger for it.

At some point in my marriage I no longer believed things would ever be any different; but I stayed anyway. This is when my willingness to suffer became habitual, not something helping me achieve my goal but a pattern that actually held me from the happiness I desired.

You, too, might be suffering from a lack of discernment in your life between sacrifice that spawns fulfillment and the kind that thwarts your ability to succeed.

When you are stuck in the latter, less dynamic form of pain, you will actually be diminishing your success in all aspects of your life–not just the one where the suffering occurs.

Where and why do we suffer uselessly?

You might find this pattern of prolonged, fruitless suffering in a career that has long past made you enthusiastic to go to work, a relationship that holds on without bringing you joy, or even a home that does not feel rejuvenating. It could show up in endless dieting without ever feeling good in your body or endless budgeting that never improves your finances.

What causes us to maintain these states of pain beyond their usefulness? Primarily the fear of change. The problems we know are often more desirable the the unknown because at least we have a level of comfort in predictability. Yet those are the types of thoughts that make your life feel like the you are part of the walking dead.

Moving forward…

Once you identify any people, places, or circumstances in your life where you have allowed yourself to become numb to your suffering, then it is time to take action. Any action to challenge your deep seated patterns will inevitably bring up fear.  Yes, when you make the needed change it will create pain–the type of sacrifice required to create a life worth living!

You will feel the difference because this suffering will be in your face–not a dull ache you can ignore. It will be scary and exhilarating maybe all at the same time or you might experience massive  pendulum swings occurring every few days or even swinging wildly back and forth minute to minute. You may have to take risks and temporarily sacrifice things you enjoy to make the change.

Will you make the move?

That depends on your answer to the first question I started with, “What pain do you want in your life?” Do you want to live with the deadening pain you now know? Or, do you have a dream of something bigger, better and more fulfilling that allows you to actually want the pain you might encounter if its necessary to achieve your dream?

 

Superwoman not to the Rescue

Does your success come at too high a price?

Or have you forsaken achieving success because you were unwilling to pay the price?

Bonnie Marcus wrote a great blog about this awhile back, that I still relate to a little more than I would like to admit.  She talks about breaking through any obstacles with strong intention, passion and energy to power through.  Does that sound a bit familiar?

Each of us has our own way of countering burnout that comes from this over-achiever mindset; whether it is meditation, yoga, running, journalling, or a night out with friends.  But in some ways these positive habits just keep us stuck in this pendulum pattern similar to enabling an addict.

Maybe the trick is not in pacifying our tired, stressed out soul with a quick fix; nor is it giving up achieving altogether.  

Perhaps we need to stop pushing through and start listening to our inner voice that tells us something is not right.  What if the struggle is more about not following the question that would help us achieve our goal with ease?

Somewhere, you and I were taught that to get anywhere,  we had to work hard ( in fact harder than everyone else if you want to be on top).  But have you ever noticed how many truly successful people are actually enjoying what they are doing, and work does not appear to be a struggle?

It is time to start asking if the struggle is because what we are doing is not what we really want to do, or is it a struggle over what we think we should be doing.  Maybe you spent a lot of time in this industry and think it is where your strength is even though it does not inspire you?  Or do you feel tied to what you do because of all the bills, debt or maybe your children’s college expense?

Bob Proctor recently gave me two incredibly simple, yet life changing, questions that I will now give you.

1.  How does this make you feel?

2.  Do you want to feel more of this?

If it makes you feel good and you want to feel more of it, then you are on the right track and there won’t be a need to be superwoman because you will be enjoying what you do.  If it does not, then listen to that voice and take action.  No more ploughing through because you are tough enough to do so.  You will be amazed at the energy burst you get when you start to listen to this voice.  I know I was.

And did you know there is a bonus gift to doing so?  Prosperity will find you much easier when you are pursuing your dreams. It will also find you happier than when you are struggling, pushing through, and being superwoman.

So relax and start to enjoy the journey.  Ask yourself these two simple questions regularly, about little and big things.  And see what magic starts to happen.

Dealing With Doubt

The biggest obstacle between you and your BIG dream is self doubt.  Remember: you are not alone though.  It is what we do with this sneaky demon that determines whether we move on to success or recede backwards into our den.

One of the big differences between successful people and the masses isn’t what they know, who they know, or how talented they are.  It is often how willing (or unwilling) they are to let doubt sabotage their plans.  What do you do when other people scoff at your dream?  Or even more important, how much time on the microphone of your inner theater do you allow your own doubting voice to have?

Lupita Nyong’o, Oscar winner for her role as Patsey in 12 Years as a Slave, gave this great example to the women at Texas Women’s Conference last month of fighting her demons as she launched from drama school at Yale in a major motion picture–with no actual experience.  I love her story, especially because it speaks to each of us when we get big ideas in an area we are not the “expert” — yet. Here is an excerpt from the Texas Women’s Conference website:

As an example, she points to her experience of being cast in 12 Years a Slave when she was still at the Yale School of Drama: “I was panicking a lot about it, certain that I would fail miserably at the role because I had no experience working on such a big film with such big people. It was bound to be the biggest challenge of my life.” She expressed her fears to her counselor, who had her imagine the worst that could happen—“I imagined forgetting my lines, being the weak link of the cast, getting fired and replaced, being blacklisted in Hollywood even before I could be on a list,” recalls Nyong’o, who says that she then “basically cried a river of all the woes that lay ahead of me” before her advisor asked, “And then what happens next?”

“I paused and gave it some serious thought,” Nyong’o says. “And then I burst out laughing and said, ‘I guess life goes on.’” The exercise taught Nyong’o the importance of good mental habits. “I felt such a relief in that moment and free enough from the demon that was my self-doubt, that I could actually go away and do the work that I needed to do to prepare for the role,” she says.

I am going to hold on to that story whenever I start doubting my certification, training, or experience at something I want to do.  She tackled her doubt and won an Oscar!  What a loss if she had let the doubt win.  What are you letting doubt keep you from doing?  What will the rest of us miss out on if you continue to hold back?

Stay-At-Home-Mom vs Career Woman

Choosing to work or stay at home can be a tough decision for women.  The original thoughts of feminism that we could do both and have it all, have become worn thin by the many women who tried the super mom/career woman track and ended up feeling burned out in both arenas.

Yet, most women still want to add value to the world outside of the tremendous value they are contributing by raising amazing children.  How do we find the answer?

I love how Sara Gottfried, M.D. puts it,”When we give birth, the bonding hormone oxytocin starts flowing. Maybe that makes women more discerning about the type of work we’re willing to perform, given the competition for our time when kids come into the picture.”

Rather than an either or decision of career verses motherhood, or the over-achieving attempt at both — perhaps our answer lies in this discernment Dr. Sara speaks of.  If the last 50 years were spent proving we could “make the grade” and were capable of many of the jobs previously denied women; perhaps the next movement will be in women designing the work life that feeds our soul AND gives us the flexibility to be truly present with our children and family.  Imagine the role model we’d become for our children when they see their mothers pursuing things that are adding value to our world, while at the same time we are happy and engaged in their lives.

Imagine what your life would look like if you created a job you truly loved and had time to deeply enjoy your family.  How would you create it?  What things might you do if your goal was to add value to the world and not earn a paycheck?  Play with it for a bit; you might be surprised that there is a way to do it and earn good money.

What things would you do with your family if you had more freedom? Fantasize yourself doing them.  Maybe there are ways of rethinking your schedule that will allow for more of this joy in your daily life –not by working later when the kids go to bed and waking exhausted each day!

Unless you are willing to take the time to visualize how you would genuinely enjoy your life, you will continue to create what you are creating today.  So even if my questions seem absurd in light of the bills you have to pay, the commitment you have to your job, the requirements you have to your children’s school and extra-curricular activities and even your relationship with your mate — the future will never arrive unless you start to envision your ideal situation and take little steps towards it.

So just let yourself start to daydream all the possibilities; no matter how impossible they appear.  Find a paper and pen right now and begin to write down any and all ideas.  Let your ideas flow.  Don’t ask how you could get there; simply write down anything about your life you would love to see.

Some people find it easier to see what is wrong than to visualize what they want.  If you feel blocked, first write down what frustrates you about your current life.  Then take another piece of paper and write the exact opposite of that.  How would it look, what would be different if this specific problem did not exist?  Be as creative and detailed as you can about what it would look like if it was as good as it could get.  Burn the one you don’t like and read the one you do like each day.  You will be pleasantly surprised at how ideas and opportunities begin to flow naturally into your life to help make this new dream a reality if you put your attention on it.