Sometimes I find myself wishing I made other decisions or took other paths along the way to now. Do you have regrets, too?

Invariably this type of thinking strikes me when something has not gone as I had hoped–my marriage of 29 years falls apart, my mom gets diagnosed with cancer, I get sick from too much stress. And even the not so big moments of disappointment can hurl me into the endless loop of “What should I have done differently?” if I let them.

Although I know it is essential to evaluate our choices so we make better ones in the future, I usually am much more likely on a spiral of regret and discouragement when I find these voices taking the stage of my mind.

The question is not whether you will have thoughts of regret, you will. The solution is not to avoid disappointment, it comes–bidden or not. The answer lies in the path forward.

How do you navigate away from falling into an abyss of despair and personal condemnation when big things go wrong?

Common advice like “You have to recognize that it is all for the better,” or “You created it, so you can now create something better” all lack the needed understanding for how I feel in that moment. I may be able to see the truth in these attitudes later, but in the moment they dig me deeper into my dungeon of self-loathing for mistakes made.

What does work for me is making plans and taking action. Even when looking forward to the future seemed dismal because my family was “broken apart,” making plans that moved me out of limbo did help me stop the emotional bleeding. Sometimes that is the most important thing in a crisis; stop the hemorrhaging.

It’s better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret.

~ Jacki Joyner-Kersee – Athlete

It’s a bit like being on a train going someplace when the conductor stops the train and tells you the train is no longer going to your destination. It really does not matter if the engine failed or it was a full on train wreck. You are in the station, your bags all around you, trying to make sense of your plans which have been irrevocably changed. That train is not moving, you are not getting a refund and there is no way to magically start over back at the beginning.

You can sit down and lament the situation. But until you get up and assess your options, buy another form of transportation, and start moving–you’re stuck. As soon as you start making plans your focus changes from the plans no longer happening to something new. It may not completely remove the sting of not getting to your original destination; however, it starts the process of healing.

This past December I moved across the country to start a new chapter of my life. I have been divorced for 5 years and it took me that long to get out of the train station with my bags all around me. Maybe I could not have done it sooner, maybe I could. But the movement has opened my energy and my possibilities.

If you have found yourself talking too often–to others or yourself–about what didn’t turn out the way you planned I recommend you change your focus to what steps you can take, make plans, and start moving.

You don’t have to make plans for what to do with the rest of your life. That may have been what kept me from moving forward–I thought I needed an answer for the long-term. You just need plans for what to do next. Then begin your new journey with that first step.

You will be glad you did.