This week I lost a dear companion, Chico, my horse of 13 years. I want desperately to stuff the deep feeling of sadness away and put my attention on something else. But, the weight in my heart remains. As I let myself feel my sorrow I realize it holds many other losses—losses that never were fully felt and so need attention, too. I feel the grief of loosing my Mom and brother in the same year as my business burned leaving me little time to really grieve either of them. Other losses come up as well, some with names others just shadows.

Grief work is deep work and we are not taught how to do it. In fact, if you have experienced significant loss you were probably given subtle (and perhaps not so subtle) cues that everyone around you hoped you’d get over it soon.

My previous efforts to “get over” my other losses prompted me to pretend I didn’t feel what I was feeling. It is a loosing game. Rather, when I have led grief groups in the past, I encourage people to recognize the wave of grief when it hits, feel it, and know that it will pass. Another wave will come, and another; but, sooner, or later, the waves get further apart and one day you realize they have even gotten smaller.

So today it is time to heed my own advice and feel what I feel and know that the wave—even if it knocks me over and I come up spitting sand—will pass.

I encourage you to look at any experiences you have not quite let go of and ask if you have avoided really feeling how you feel about what happened. If so, sometimes taking time to feel your feelings is the salve that helps you move forward to create a more joyful future. In order to fully experience joy you also must be open to experiencing sorrow. Your heart is open to the extent you are willing to feel; it does not open and close depending on the situation, but is expanded by these situations if you feel them.

Wishing you (and me) the courage to feel your feelings and live life fully. I hope the bumps and bruises you experience in life are small and may you be held in love when they are not.