We often ask, “What do I want,” but we rarely ask “What sacrifice am I willing to make,” or worse, “What pain do I want in my life?”

This last question posed by Mark Manson in his article in Quartz, really got me thinking.  We all sustain pain of various types when we have an important goal at stake. These can range from bodily aches as we train for a marathon, restraining our spending to save money to start a business, to emotional pain as we struggle to make a marriage work.

Mark’s question is important because you probably often say you want something, but are not committed to the struggle that is often required to get it. I know my list of wants will be whittled down using this question.

You can sift the chaff from the wheat pretty quickly if you stop agonizing over wishing for things you really aren’t willing to suffer to get.

Does this mean everything you want requires pain and suffering? Yes and no. Everything worth having will inspire you to heights you otherwise would not climb for other goals; yet, good things often come merely by believing you deserve them and being open to receiving.

There is another aspect of this question equally important to uncover–especially for women. Are there areas of your life in which you are repeatedly suffering, not for the good you hope to gain, but because you have grown numb to your suffering?

When I start a new business I never know if it will succeed–whether my efforts will result in the end goal I am aiming. Yet, I believe it is possible and also probable which is why I continue. When my children were young I agreed to emotional pain in my marriage because I believed our family was worth the struggle; I believed my then husband and I would work through our challenges and our relationship would be stronger for it.

At some point in my marriage I no longer believed things would ever be any different; but I stayed anyway. This is when my willingness to suffer became habitual, not something helping me achieve my goal but a pattern that actually held me from the happiness I desired.

You, too, might be suffering from a lack of discernment in your life between sacrifice that spawns fulfillment and the kind that thwarts your ability to succeed.

When you are stuck in the latter, less dynamic form of pain, you will actually be diminishing your success in all aspects of your life–not just the one where the suffering occurs.

Where and why do we suffer uselessly?

You might find this pattern of prolonged, fruitless suffering in a career that has long past made you enthusiastic to go to work, a relationship that holds on without bringing you joy, or even a home that does not feel rejuvenating. It could show up in endless dieting without ever feeling good in your body or endless budgeting that never improves your finances.

What causes us to maintain these states of pain beyond their usefulness? Primarily the fear of change. The problems we know are often more desirable the the unknown because at least we have a level of comfort in predictability. Yet those are the types of thoughts that make your life feel like the you are part of the walking dead.

Moving forward…

Once you identify any people, places, or circumstances in your life where you have allowed yourself to become numb to your suffering, then it is time to take action. Any action to challenge your deep seated patterns will inevitably bring up fear.  Yes, when you make the needed change it will create pain–the type of sacrifice required to create a life worth living!

You will feel the difference because this suffering will be in your face–not a dull ache you can ignore. It will be scary and exhilarating maybe all at the same time or you might experience massive  pendulum swings occurring every few days or even swinging wildly back and forth minute to minute. You may have to take risks and temporarily sacrifice things you enjoy to make the change.

Will you make the move?

That depends on your answer to the first question I started with, “What pain do you want in your life?” Do you want to live with the deadening pain you now know? Or, do you have a dream of something bigger, better and more fulfilling that allows you to actually want the pain you might encounter if its necessary to achieve your dream?