Tag Archives: no

No ~ I Don’t Want THAT!

Occasionally I get hit with something I really don’t want. You know the days–unwanted news, unexpected losses, or really, really inconvenient changes to your life plans.

On those days, don’t you wish you could just rid your life of all the things you don’t like? I mean, really, wouldn’t it be sweet to experience fun and laughter, peace and serenity every day? And aren’t you so much nicer when life is going your way?

The thing I am learning is that everything–yep, everything–can be for my highest good when I am open to it.

It is like life is a great big smorgasbord serving up all sorts of options for me to select.

At a buffet I often try things I’ve never had; and occasionally I have to spit the morsel out into my napkin. Nope not to my taste! I don’t get angry at the chef; nor do I feel cheated in any way. Until I try certain delicacies I actually don’t know I don’t like them. And once I do, I can be really clear not to pick it up again.

However, in life, until recently, I seemed to believe the universe should only offer me that which pleases me and felt upset when things didn’t go as I desired–especially if I felt I had worked hard for a different outcome. Now I am starting to see that life does not care which things I choose from her smorgasbord, she is just offering me options. I am the one who has chosen to pick up this experience for some reason and it is me that needs to put it down if I don’t like it.

When you know what you don’t want, you will know what you do.

The more discerning I become about what I do and don’t want, the better I am getting at creating experiences that match my desires. I realize my discernment has come from experiencing many things I did not enjoy, so I am beginning to see these negative experiences as part of my training to be a 5-star chef of my own life. If I hadn’t experienced both the really great times and the horribly low ones I could only create a mediocre life.

So what about the times you feel like someone else must have put this disgusting tasting thing on your plate because you didn’t order it?

I have had a lot of experiences that did not feel like I ordered them from life–my father dying when I was a teen, a bitter divorce, a wildfire burning my land and business. Because I tend to be the type of person who thinks everything is my fault, I have to be careful with the spiritual teachings that encourage me to take responsibility for my life, no matter what. You know the jargon, “You drew this to you…”

Overtime, I have learned to change my perspective on these and other unwanted things I felt “happened to me.”

  • From my father’s death I became compassionate to people’s inner sufferings, have helped countless friends through life crises, and became a grief coach helping many people navigate the tender journey of grieving a major loss. Would I choose loosing my father at that young age? No. Did good come from it? Absolutely, yes.
  • From a divorce that was not wanted and bitter on both sides in it’s early years, I have learned deep forgiveness for myself and another human being–way beyond what I thought possible. I also now recognize how unhappy I was and how he gifted me in leaving, because I never would have left. Maybe I did unconsciously put this morsel on my plate by asking life for a relationship he was unable to provide.
  • From the fire I found surrender in many things–not everything being under my control, having to work with my ex-husband after our divorce and forge new bonds, learning that starting over is not the end of the world but an opportunity for a fresh beginning. I am someone who perseveres at all costs, perhaps longer than is healthy. The fire and its long-term consequences on my life were the universe’s kick in the a** to move on.

The next time you don’t like what is on your plate of life just say, “No, thank you. I would prefer …..” Then quickly put your attention on what you do want and keep it there.

One of my past spiritual teachers often spoke of the day he learned to ride his motorcycle on mountain roads in Colorado. His friend finally pulled over to a rest stop and told him, “Look where you want to go, not where you don’t want to be, or you will end up off these cliffs!” My daughters’ horseback riding instructors always told them the same thing.

It is a great lesson for motorcycles, horses, and life!

Look where you want to go, or end up where you don’t want to be!

The net of all this is:

  • Appreciate life’s buffet. She is offering you a cornucopia of options.

  • Learn from experiences you don’t like so you don’t have to taste them a second time.

  • Say no quickly and use life’s less than tasty treats to help you know what you do like and create what you love.

  • Move quickly from focusing on the thing you don’t want that you are experiencing to what you would prefer.

 

No. It’s a Complete Sentence!

I learned that “No” is a complete sentence from Ann Moore past CEO and Chairwoman of Time, Inc. It is a brilliant piece of advice that I suggest you use as a mantra.

This is an important lesson, especially for women, as we tend to say yes to everyone and everything–except ourselves or justify and apologize for not doing more. You probably do many things each week that you really don’t want to do, rather than saying no.

A recent article in Fast Company, by Stephanie Vozza, has a few good ideas to help you build your ability to say no when you mean it, rather than say yes because it’s easier. However, many of her suggestions start to justify your no; and in the long run it is more powerful if you can learn to “just say no!”

Why justifying your answer disempowers you.

Years ago in a teenage-parenting class I learned that by giving my teenagers reasons for my decisions–something I thought helped my children learn–I was actually giving my kids something to argue with. Although it seemed counterintuitive to my parenting style, I started to see that the more I justified my decisions the more we argued about them; eventually I stopped giving reasons.

Once you open the door to someone evaluating your choice you have changed the dynamics of the conversation. Every sales rep knows that no does not mean NO–as long as they can learn why. Early in my career I trained new sales reps to patiently wait after someone said no for their reasons. Most people feel bad saying no and will quickly give you their reason why. This always gives a sales rep the ability to “overcome the objection.’ It is the same reason you probably dislike used car sales people–they know this tactic all too well.

Respectfully declining is an art.

One thing I loved about Stephanie’s article was her emphasis on finding ways to demonstrate respect for the person asking, even while declining their request. When people feel dismissed it creates resentment. When they feel their needs are heard they are more likely to respect your “no.” Some easy phrases include:

  • Thank you for thinking of me, …
  • I am honored you are including me…
  • That sounds like an amazing opportunity, but….
  • I would enjoy that at a different time…
  • That sounds really important to you but it conflicts with things I already am committed to.

Don’t leave the door open if you really don’t want to be asked again.

You may find it easier to say things like, “Maybe next time,” or “I would really like to but..,” or even “Let me think about it.” These phrases may soften the blow of your ‘no’ today; but overtime they will cause discord between you and the other person if you really have no intention of saying ‘yes’ later. Putting off the inevitable actually leaves the other party hanging and repeated hearing ‘no’ starts to create resentment.

Having four children meant the limits of time alone meant I couldn’t say yes to everything they all asked for–even when the requests were for things I thought were fun or “good”–but I wanted desperately to do as much as I could so I often said maybe. And when the requests were for things my children felt passionate about even if I didn’t like the idea I always attempted to see their point of view, rather than quickly say no. Later in life, one of my children told me it would have been easier on her if I had just said no and stuck with it. My lack of decisiveness actually was harder for her than if she knew she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I think the same is true for adults. People want to know where they stand and saying no when you mean it is actually the kinder thing to do.

Try making, “No is a complete sentence,” your mantra or affirmation for a month.

You will be amazed at how much it simplifies your life and actually allows you to experience more joy when your days and weeks are no longer full of things you really did not want to do!