Tag Archives: vision

Walking the Tightrope of Caring While Having No Attachments

Many spiritual teachings tell us to have no attachments in order to find happiness; while success guru’s teach us to have strong dreams, build vision boards, and think about our goals regularly. How do you navigate these seemingly conflicting instructions?

You don’t have to choose one or the other–happiness or success. In fact, following both the instruction to build a strong vision of where you are going AND remaining detached will help you achieve both.

How?

The key is to have a goal, but not be so attached to it in the form you have in mind that you are closed to other possibilities. You want to build a picture in your mind that becomes so real you can actually feel the emotions you would feel if it were real right now. And at the same time you hold a relaxed view that if this did not happen it would be to make way for something even better.

Without a dream or vision you have no direction; but with attachment you are trying to force things and are not in the state of allowing–where the real magic happens.

You have to care–but not that much.

To do this you have to cultivate a few beliefs:

  1. You must believe in your ability to achieve what you are after and be able to stay focused on your desired outcome, even when events and circumstances have not yet lined up.
  2. You need resilience; knowing if it does not work out you will recover and find something else.
  3. You want faith in the goodness of the universe that when things sometimes don’t go as you plan that something even better is on its way and this was not the best thing for you.

The live by these beliefs, not merely state them, is hard work but the strength and confidence required to do so can be cultivated. It requires more than anything else self-control–control of your thoughts. Each time doubt arises you have to actively say “No” to that thought and return to ones that reflect the three beliefs you want.

When you hear, “This isn’t meant to be; nothing is going right and it’s not happening fast enough,” you must quickly replace those thoughts with, “I don’t know how this is going to come together but I know it is.” Then ask yourself what is the one thing you can do or learn to help you achieve your goal–right now, today. By moving back into action, you not only prevent those negative thoughts from gaining momentum; you also move closer towards your goal.

Each time you find yourself anxious you have to toss it aside with unabashed confidence knowing this goal is not the only thing you can go after. Remind yourself how capable you are–no matter what happens–to create something you love.

Then when occasionally something happens that makes you decide to let go of a particular dream it is critical you keep your thoughts on the idea that somehow that vision wasn’t the right one to bring you your highest happiness. It is hard in the moment to believe that; but if you think back on other losses and times things did not work out, you almost always can see that you are better off now because of it. Use those memories to keep yourself positive when it is happening in the current moment.

Walking the tightrope of strong dreams and detachment takes practice. The results are the ability to create the life you desire easily and effortlessly!

Meaningfully Busy or Harried Busyness?

Its a new year, with new goals, and so many possibilities. Whether you achieve your dreams will depend on your relationship with being busy.

Most women have so many things on their to do list–running errands, taking kids to activities, attending events in support of others, volunteering on a committee, paying bills, just keeping work and home afloat–that they rarely invest in either themselves or the dreams that matter most to them. Is that you, too? Are your days filled with busyness that prevents you from doing what you really choose?

If so, now at the beginning of the year is a great time to change your relationship with being busy.

Busyness implies you are meeting other people’s needs and helping them fulfill their dreams. Busyness means you are checking off errands on a list at the expense of pursuing your inner calling. Busyness keeps everyone’s life in your world streamlined, clutter-free, and humming.

However, to do something meaningful–something meaningful to YOU–you will have to change from busyness to being busy doing what matters. This is such a critical element of achieving success in any realm that I spend considerable time teaching techniques for achieving it in my Wealth Development Program. People with influence or those making significant contributions all do this, consciously or unconsciously.

Here are a few tips that will help you make the transition from busyness to busy.

  • Start your day with a commitment to work on your most important goal. If you want to write a book, write for a specified amount of time; if you are starting a business, take action solely for your new venture at the beginning of the day; whatever your goal is, do it first.
  • Know the areas that sabotage you and hold off doing things that are time-hogs until late in your day–things like answering emails, paying bills, or returning phone calls. These require less energy and creativity and can easily be done then; while your most important work deserves your best energy.
  • Start saying no to things that you do out of guilt, obligation, or because you have always done them. This is hard for most women; however, once you practice doing it, you will start to realize how valuable your time is and saying no will become easier and easier.
  • Keep fortifying your vision and dream regularly. You can have a mission statement you read to yourself daily or a journal where you continue to develop your idea and how it will look and feel once you have achieved it. Whatever form it takes, visualize your end goal often.

 

 

Why do women have great friends and horrible networks?

I have been coaching women entrepreneurs for awhile and am dismayed by our gender’s general lack of networking when we are so good at creating social circles and deep friendships. Too many business women work hard to get ahead and fail to create the professional networking so vital to advancement.

Women are known as the sex that is better at relationships, communicate more and more effectively, and have stronger compassion genes. Yet, study after study show that women regularly fail at networking when it comes to their careers.

A recent article by one of my favorite Forbes contributors, Geri Stengel points to many of the pitfalls my clients have fallen into when they come see me about jumpstarting their stalled career or helping their start-up take flight.  Geri offers 6 tips for improving networking skills including “get over your inhibitions.”

However, I find most women are not shy, so this does not necessarily point to the real issue but is more of a symptom.  What I have learned coaching women is they are hard wired to supporting other people’s requests (their boss, co-worker, or family) but find it extremely difficult to ask others to help them, to ask for what they need. Period.  No amount of “getting over your inhibitions,” cracking the confidence code, or leaning in will unwire this because it is not about assertiveness.  Women can be plenty assertive at pitching their deal, rally for a cause, or going to bat for an employee.  Where they fail to speak up is asking for themselves.

To ask for something for yourself requires a few key things.  It is about knowing what you want, seeing how others could help you, and reversing genetic conditioning that stops you from recruiting others’ help. Let’s look at the first one, knowing what you want– since without that step the others are meaningless.

Many years ago I had a counselor send me home with the assignment of writing down everything I would ask for if I had the guts, and not ask.  She just wanted me to start to know what it was I would ask for if I felt I could.  Whoa!  Once I got going I realized there were a lot of things I was not asking for.  It was a great exercise and because she did not send me off to start asking for what I wanted, I was able to see more clearly all the areas that I was holding back.  If she had recommended I go start asking for what I want, I am sure I would not have been able to think of anything to ask for.

You, too can start this with just a pad a paper.  You don’t have to ask your boss for a raise or an investor for money.  At least not yet.  Start with a clean sheet and just think. If I could not loose–what is it I would ask for.  Start to really make long lists. List all the people you would ask.  It will help grow your muscle of seeing yourself as capable of asking.  You might surprise yourself and start asking sooner than you think.

After graduation what will she find?

If you have been following me for long you know I am passionate about empowering women around the world.  Empowering myself.  Empowering you.  Empowering your friends.

Yet, I believe the biggest change we can make will come through empowering our daughters, the next generation of women.  I have three daughters and I feel incredibly passionate about their experience being more authentic, strong, and celebratory of their feminine nature than mine.

I spent my adolescent, teen and early adult years trying to avoid the unwanted attention of male teachers, male friends of my parents and early bosses.  This made me feel ever so self conscious of my sexuality, any sensuality, and my affect on others.  The message was do not let your energy shine because it draws creepy and sometimes flat out assaulting behavior in people you are suppose to trust!  Unfortunately more women than not have similar stories of their youth.

As a young woman I also saw that power was solely in positions that men held– leading me  to develop my masculine side through becoming assertive, honing my decision making skills, and becoming highly competitive. As far as I was concerned, why would anyone want to live in a disempowered place–and this was what it took to not be powerless.  Many of you have had similar experiences in order to attain power and influence in the world.  I just did it to extreme–like most things I pursued in those years I was using my successes to validate my worth.

I suppressed anything that hinted I was feminine in my work life.  Upset and feel overwhelmed?  Whatever you do DON’T CRY.  Feel lonely and isolated?  Work harder to get ahead, getting attached to co-workers makes it harder to become their boss anyway.  Have a strong intuition that something is not right, stifle it because no one will take you seriously if you told them and worse they will stop listening to you in general.  Feel enthusiastic and have a spontaneous idea, find some market research or statistic to support your idea or keep your enthusiasm to yourself.

By the time I had my first child I had lost touch with so many parts of me that my new role as mother was like landing in alien territory.  Being spontaneous, unplanned, full of emotions, fully bonded with another human being was not natural to my ego and the role I had learned to play.  During the next chapter of my life I began to unravel this masculine mask and re-engage my feminine self.

What I realized was I had become a good man.  I never had role models of what it looked like to be a woman AND be powerful so I had traded my femininity for power.  And I am not alone.  Maybe you too gave up a piece of yourself to pursue something important.  I have been hearing from women every day, from all different walks of life that this same pattern has been played out in many ways.

The real terror of this situation is by working so hard to prove ourselves capable of the same things men can do we have been teaching our daughters the same thing we were so appalled by– that being feminine is not a position of strength.  You can be a woman these days, but certainly not a juicy, emotional, intuitive, creative, life giving female!

My new vision is to support young women becoming adults who believe in themselves–not just as a person, because that still denies their being feminine–but as the female person they are.  Let’s help them not only endure their volatility and sensitivity but relish their femininity.  Feminine strengths are missing in all aspects of our culture– education, health care, business, law and government.  If our young girls enter these areas with their femininity in tact maybe each of these areas could find new solutions to our current problems.  What are these feminine traits?  Intuitiveness.  Sensuality.  Multi-tasking. Tribe building.  Creativity.  Relationships.  Communications.  Power sharing.  Consensus building and many more!

I will explore ideas about how we can create an environment that helps our girls become women who celebrate their femininity, demonstrate their strength in our culture, contribute in big ways to our world and have a better chance at healthy relationships because they start with a heaping dose of loving themselves–just as they are!